Yada Yada Yada

I'm blinking too much. Which means my anxiety is high. Rubbing my eyes isn't helping, neither is the anxiety medication.

Maybe it's the extra work at work, or the second job, or the ex-asshole still calling, questioning and saying "tell me you haven't been with nobody else, do you SWEAR to God?". WTF. He can't seem to understand that it has nothing to do with anyone else. AND it's none of his busiwax.


Why is it, when you think you know what you want, and you get it, you don't really think you want it?

I meet a really sweet guy, who would probably do anything in the world for me. An attractive guy. And yet, I'm confused. I don't really know if I want to be with him. I'm pointing out all of his flaws and picking at little things to MYSELF. Like I am purposely trying NOT to like him. And then I'm asking myself WHY.

What is my problem?

I had a great Christmas, even though I didn't do much and I worked.

I decided to give the nice guy another chance. I explained to him what I didn't want. I also told him I need time. If he comes on too strong, that pushes me away. If he just relaxes, and goes with the flow, that will bring me closer.

He respects that.

We'll see...

Yep, met a nice guy and now it's over!

I'm already feeling smothered and he's already trying to move in! I told him I needed my space and that I have plans for the next few days. THEN he asked me what my problem was. He even asked me if I was bipolar.

That pretty much did it for me.

Maybe Santa will bring me peace for Christmas. If not, I'm going to punch him in his sack...

To make a long story short...

I think I may have met a really GOOD guy. I'm going out with him again on Saturday. AND he comes from a wealthy family. Not that I really care, but heh.

I'm sick with a cold. It sucks!

In case I don't blog again until after the holidays...

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS!

XOXO

Gobble This!

I can't believe it's the Holiday season. It's been a quick year. I'm working on Thanksgiving this year. Nobody is doing anything, I might as well work my second job and get Holiday pay. Somebody has to do it, right?

My life has become pretty much nothing, but work and tv. I'm too tired to do anything else. I'm such a homebody. I did go eat and get my nails done with my friend last night. THE friend, I don't really have many friends. It's a choice. I've been burned too many times. Especially when you had someone in your life, who you thought, and was told "you will always be a part of my life", to never hear from them again. To this day, I have no clue what I did wrong. I lost my faith in friendship, in good men, in being able to smoke in restaraunts (damn them) and let's face it...humanity. Okay, so I went a little far with the humanity thing, but you get what I'm saying!

It doesn't matter, most of my friends live inside of my computer. I love you guys. I wish you nothing, but the best, and a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Much turkey and much love!

:XO

Smoking Haters SUCK

No more smoking allowed on the premises at work due to non-smokers complaining. Non-smokers who work 40 minutes away in another location. Because of their complaints, it is effecting us all!

This means I will have to drive off of the premises. We are off of a highway!

Ok, smoking is bad for you, blah blah blah. We all know this. Excuse me for having the habit. I did not create tobacco, I fell to peer pressure, dammit! Seriously! I got addicted to it and now I'm paying for it in more ways than one. My health, financially, and now at work.

These people want me to go postal, don't they?

I guess it would be a good time to seriously QUIT. It's just the point.

THE POINT THAT EVERYONE SHOULD MIND THEIR OWN FREAKIN' BUSINESS!

It's been a while...

My grandfather passed away on 10/11. He was sick for years, so he's in a much better place now. My mom didn't handle it very well, but that's expected. He was a very good man. He will be missed.

I got my very own nice office at work. AND thanks to another bonus the company gave me, I was able to buy a new (to me) car! It's super nice. It's also black, which I love.

I'm thinking about moving at the end of the month. I need an apartment (or house) that doesn't have dangerous steps to walk up and down. I've been having a lot of back problems (bulging disc) since falling down my apartment steps last year. It's painful and annoying. My lease is up in December. Time to move!

Other than the back problems, still working two jobs, and missing you guys...

LIFE IS IMPROVING!

:XO

I've been hiding in my apartment for a while. Trying to get my thoughts and feelings back together. That's a hard thing to do sometimes. Then you have people who don't understand why you need to be alone. It's so frustrating. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I shouldn't have my own thoughts and feelings used against me. A "friend" shouldn't do that to you.

Maybe I opened up too soon. I felt comfortable..or so I thought. I'm not so comfortable anymore, so I think I will just keep my mouth shut.

Today is the best day I've had in a while. I'm beginning to feel at peace again, at least for today. I wish I could say that every day, but the truth is, I am a person who has to take it one day at a time.

Peace

I had a dream.

I was on a bicycle, peddling as fast as I could, and going nowhere.

Things came to an end. A-hole got trashed and made a complete ass out of himself, not only to me, but to my neighbors and the COPS. He went to jail (in his boxers). My landlord banned him from the property. And I had my number changed. It needed to be done. The great thing about it, I didn't have to do anything. He did it all himself. Everyone else took it from there.

Tomorrow I will be making an appointment for some counseling.

I need to know why. Why did I take his abuse for so long? Why do I get these type of men who show me no respect, who use me and abuse me?

I'm currently low as low can get. On a scale of 1-10, my self esteem is a 2. I'm sad. Not because he's gone, but because he was a wasted year of my life. I so much wanted him to be someone I could be with. Someone I could love, someone that would love me in return. He's "fucked up" in a bad way. He's beyond help. I knew it too. I knew it, and I still TRIED.


I'm angry about a lot of things today. I'm mostly angry about men who use women, and the women who let that happen. I'm especially angry at myself.

I could really use a friend right now.

Wingin' It

Since my last post, my dad's world has completely fallen apart. The cops contacted him concerning the child porn that was on his computer. After four months (go figure). They wanted him to take a polygraph. He spoke with a lawyer, the lawyer advised him against it. For lots of reasons. So basically, he's going to remain silent. He got a DUI a couple of weeks ago and went to jail. He was suspended from work, and today they fired him. They fired him for getting arrested. He could have LIED about it, but no, he chose to tell the truth. Well, actually, I told to tell the truth because I had to call in for him that day. I thought honesty was always the best policy? I guess not.

He's living with a friend now, so I don't see him often. When I do talk to him, he talks about how he just feels like giving up and "blowing his brains out". Thanks for the mental picture, dad. I appreciate it.

As for me? Well, I'm still dealing with psycho. Well, not really dealing with him, mostly ignoring him or pretending he doesn't exist.

I made friends with two of my neighbors. It only took me two years, but what can I say, I stay to myself. Especially when it comes to neighbors. They actually thought I was stuck up. If anyone knows me at all, that is NOT my character.

I just found out my 19 yr old step-niece is pregnant. That totally bummed me out! The "kids" are having kids...before me!

I'm still working my second job. Very tiring, but the extra money is awesome to have. I have to work tomorrow 12:30-9:30. It's going to be one long day...

here's to the F'n weekend!

My posts don't have to make any sense...

The most important person turns out to be nothing of the sort.

I put people on pedestals. I go out of my way. When I should be putting myself on a pedestal. I've learned. I know what I want, but I don't go for it. I avoid or pretend it doesn't need to be. I choose not to deal with things these days. Maybe it's because I've had to deal with so much in the past?

Either way, I'm sort of numb. I don't let things bother me like I used to. That is a very good thing.

I seem to fall for men who can't/won't/don't want to love me. And that is okay. Because they don't deserve me. I'm pretty awesome. I owe a lot of my awesomeness to you guys!

Have a fantastic weekend! And if you see a snake...

chop it's freakin head off!

It's sad when you spend a lot of years with someone and you find out they SUCK.

Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this, but it's on my mind. My Hooker is moving away. She's doing what's best for her and the kids. She's totally unhappy, and has been for a very long time. She doesn't have a supportive husband and most of the time he's as ASS. She can better herself with him out of the picture. He's holding her back. She's strong. One of the strongest women I know. She will do just fine. I know this, but I worry. I hope she can have the life she deserves. I also hope she finds the love that she deserves.

It makes me sad that she has to go through this. I wish there was something I could do for her. I don't feel like I've been a very good friend. She's always been there for me, but I don't feel like I've returned the favor. So I totally SUCK.

Life. It keeps changing. People come and go in my life. Important people. People who made an impact on my heart. It's easy for me to make friends, but hard for me to get close to people.

Maybe that's why I stick with the "dysfunctional"...

So I won't get hurt.

Good news. The catscan came back fine, they found no cat. It still doesn't explain my stomach issues, but whatever.

I got a good bonus from work. Yay me!

Bad news. My health insurance is going up. Damn it, man! Oh well, at least I have health insurance.

I'm trying to stay positive about life and crap.

Thinking about renting a house...

Update

I didn't exactly have the catscan on Friday. I overslept and didn't make it. I did have it today. And it sucked! That stuff they make you drink tastes like ASS. Not that I know what ass tastes like, but I can just imagine. Then they give you dye that makes you feel like you are peeing all over yourself.

I should get the results in a few days. I guess.

As soon as I know, you will know! I'm sure everything is fine, it's probably my lack of gallbladder and well, I did have sex with an alien once.

*muah*

Suck It

Have I learned anything? Am I even capable of learning? Is it my heart or my head that gets in the way of my learning? Or is it fear? And fear of what? I've been through worse and made it. I survived.

I'm ashamed to admit I let him come back after last time. But I did. And once again, I kicked his out. It was over a week ago. He went to jail for PI/disorderly conduct. And I got rid of his shit. He called me when he got out of jail (the next day). I ended up dropping him off at a bar, where he found someone to go home with. He moved in with her.

How did I react to that?

Well, I was hurt. Of course.

He gave me the story that I put his crap out, so basically it was my fault. And he couldn't sleep on the streets! He had a good girl now, don't you know. He found himself some good ole white trash. So I've heard. Then again, what do I expect from someone who lets a man move in with them after one night? What did I expect from him? Nothing. He's a drunken/user/abuser. She means nothing to him. She's just a place to live and a place to drink booze. Just as I was.

I ended it on good terms. I told him I would pray for him. That I was still a friend. I screwed up yesterday when I asked him if he missed me.

He called me today. Telling me how much he misses me and that he really wants to come "home". And you know, if it wasn't for the fact he's been up in someone else, I'd probably be stupid and take him back once again. Why? Because I'm that f'n lonely. Or desperate. However you want to see it.

I can't stomach the thought of him. To think that he went home with a complete stranger, surely slept with her, and moved on in like I hadn't even existed. He couldn't be a real man, no. He had to find another sucker to leach on to.

And I'm the biggest sucker of them all.

I'm holding back the tears at work and I feel like I could explode at any time.

I'm so tired. Working two jobs is wearing me out, but I need the money. Stress is taking a toll on me physically. I'm lonely. So very lonely. I miss having friends. I miss having "someone".

I have to have a catscan Friday. Pray for good results!

Love and miss you guys!

Happy Friday

I'm too tired to write about thoughts and feelings. Let's just stick with something simple, shall we?

Not much going on this weekend. Doing laundry in the morning, followed by church at 4:00, then working tomorrow night. I'm taking my nephew to see Wolverine on Sunday.

Other than that..

not a damn thing.

Well, except for maybe starting a cult...

He's called every day. Begging to come back. Giving me the same old story, he will change, things will be better, he won't drink anymore, he will respect me, he will treat me like a queen, blah blah lie blah.

I told him ten times...NO. He's treated me like crap for nine months. He had three chances that he didn't deserve. Am I really supposed to believe him THIS time? He can't change. That is who he is.

I will still be friends with him, but I do not want to date him, and I definitely don't want him living with me.

He had it good. It's his own damn fault.

As for my weekend...my best friend, who I very seldom see, is staying over. Most likely we will just hang out and watch movies, but I enjoy her company.

Oh..except for the laundry thing I have to do. And I have to work Sunday.

Crap!

I Can Breathe Again!

To make a long story short...

Asshole got drunk yesterday. We got into an argument. He put his arm around my neck and left red marks. I kicked his ass out. He left, he knew if he didn't leave he was going to jail. I told him to leave me alone and that the cops were looking for him.

I CAN take a lot. I DID take a lot. But this chick is NOT taking anymore!

I can finally breathe.

The Twenty Firsts MeMe

First Job: Babysitting. I made $30 a week. Now the kid is grown and married with kids!

First Real Job: Hooker. Nah, just kidding. I worked at a gas station. I was 15.

First Favorite Politician: Arnold Schwarzenegger. I have to agree with Mig on that one. Yes, I googled his name to know how to spell it.

First Car: A chevette. Hahahaha. I called it Bootsie. I think that car costs me $200, well, cost my boyfriend $200. He paid for it.

First Record/CD: Crystal Gayle. Omg, I know...GAY. Hey, I was a little girl who liked her long hair!

First Sport Played: Volleyball

First Concert: Tim Mcgraw. Yeah, figures. I'm not even a fan of country music!

First Foreign Country Visited: Europe. I went to Amsterdam for two weeks and didn't even get high. I did see the hookers though.

First Favorite TV Show: Punky Brewster

First Favorite Actor: The hot little bad boy from 90210..Luke Perry.

First Favorite Actress: Well, I used to like Angelina Jolie until Brad Pitt tripped and fell into...nevermind.

First Girlfriend/Boyfriend: A great guy named Jason. Man, I was so stupid for letting that guy go. Oh well, wasn't meant to be.

First Encounter with a Famous Person: I've never met a famous person, but I did have an encounter with an alien once. His name was Alf.

First Brush With Death: Um let's see...that time I got drunk and..or that time I almost...

First House/Condo Owned: Let's not even talk about that.

First Film Seen: I don't know. It was scary, I do know that!

First Favorite Recording Artist: I don't freakin know. Let's go with the Chipmunks. Gotta love that Alvin..

First Favorite Radio Station: 95.7 QMF

First Book I Remember Reading: Where the Wild Things Are

First Meme You Answered on Your Blog: I can't remember, because Mig is old.

The Whole World Needs a Daily Dose of Xanax

I would like to start out saying dealing with the public sucks! Even if it is on the phone. I've never heard from so many grouchy people in my life. Everyone seems to be impatient. They want it NOW. Xanax, people!

Let me tell you how my mornings go. I get up at 5:30 A.M. and take my dad to work because his car broke down. Then I come home, leave again at 6:30 A.M. and take Asshole to work. Then I come home, get ready and go to work myself. I skip lunch (I do eat) so I can pick up my dad at 2:30 from work and drop him off at my house. Then I go back to work until 5:00. Hopefully dad's car will be fixed today. Because I'm tired. I'm f'n tired of doing everything for everybody else.

Asshole seems to think he can tell me what to do. He demands me to do things. And expects it. I've put a stop to that. And I remind him every Friday that he needs to MOVE OUT. A couple of weekends ago, he was arrested for public intoxication. I thought for sure I'd get rid of him then, but no luck. Last weekend he stayed away all night. He was back before I could get the locks changed. He's been drunk all week. Like the kind of drunk where he's passed out in a chair drooling all over himself. Not to mention, he's been smoking weed with the weird lesbian next door. He's sickening. I'm to the point I can't stand him. He's bringing the evil out in me. I just want to bust him in his face! And that's not who I am.

I never thought I'd say this, but I want to be ALONE.

It's been a long week. I've worked six days this week...with a terrible cold! Luckily I'm feeling much better today. I've had this crap since Monday.

I've been letting my dad sleep on my couch. He goes to work, goes to friends, and then comes to my house to sleep and shower. I can't see him on the streets. It's temporary until he figures out what the hell he's going to do. Someone else is taking care of his dog.

I just found out my co-worker/good friend has skin cancer. Another thing to add to my list of worries.

Anyways, besides being completely worn out and in need of fun, I'm doing fine.

That's a good thing, right?

I Have My Reasons

I told my father he couldn't stay...

1. I DO NOT want to deal with this.
2. I'm risking losing my apartment.
3. His dog is pissing in my house! Last time, his dog ruined my NEW furniture that I barely used. I had to throw it out. Not to mention I had to take the dog to work with me yesterday. I know, it isn't the dog's fault! =(
4. There isn't enough room.
5. I CAN NOT live with him again.

The ASS that still lives with me has also been pressuring me. Not just pressuring me, but threatening me. He doesn't want my dad or the dog there, and he wants to secure his place in my home. He knows I don't want HIM there anymore, so he's been using all of this against ME.

My life is being controlled. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I wish I had someone to cry to. A hug doesn't sound bad either.

Is it possible to have a nervous breakdown and not realize it?

F'd Up Situation

To make a long story short...

My dad is possibly being charged with downloading child porn from the internet. It's a long story, but he may have been set up. However, he may be guilty. Nobody knows anyone to the fullest extent. There are many skeletons in a person's closet. I really can't say if he's guilty or not.

He's been at my house since this happened (Saturday), until he decided he just wanted to stay away drunk. So, I've been at home, taking care of his dog, and basically waiting for the cops to knock on my door. This whole thing has had me so upset, I haven't been at work all week, until today. And now...I'm starting to get angry.

I want to believe my dad is innocent. If he's not innocent, I don't know how to feel. No matter what, he's still my father, but how do I look at this? What the hell am I supposed to do? If he's charged, how will people look at ME? How am I supposed to look at him?


I'm to the point of taking his dog to him, and saying "you're on your own".

I'm so screwed up right now...

You don't even know.

I've been busy. All I seem to do is work. After work, I will go to my second job until 9:00 tonight. A 13 hour day. Yeah yeah yeah, but that is a lot of hours for me in one day! I will also be working on Easter. Ten hours. Eww. I figured my coworker should have the day off to spend with her three year old. Being the nice/childless person that I am, I'm going to work for her.

Maybe I can sleep. And work.

Sleepworking.

Yeah, that sounds good!

Happy Friday

I should be happy it's Friday. For the most part, I am. It means I don't have to work HERE tomorrow and I get to sleep in. I am working my second job, but I don't have to be there until noon. I'm sure my eyes will pop wide open at 8 am.

Ass was off work today due to rain. He called and LIED to me. I called him on his lie. He lied about who he was with. Where he was and where he was going. Gambling. That is where he was going. He left the money he owed me at the house. I had my sister go get the money for me. Why, you ask? So when he gambles all of his money away, he can't take back the money he gave me, before I get off work to get it. Yeah, I'm smart like that. But not too smart, or I would of dropped his ass off at a shelter a long time ago. Did I mention he was drunk? Yeah, you already knew that.

He promised me. He promised he wouldn't gamble this weekend. He promised he would be sober so we could go out to eat after work. No, I didn't believe him. Sociopaths can't keep promises. I'm serious when I say that. He fits the profile. I did some research! I am not making this up, people!

I'm not going home after work. I'm getting my nails done, going to the tanning bed, and then meeting my coworker for dinner.

I may not go home tonight.

A Bunch of Babble

Feeling bummed today.

For the past few weeks, church has been comparing the decades to the bible. People have really directed themselves away from love. There is so much violence in the world, it makes me sad.

Most people these days are about what they want. Then there are those who are just trying to get what they need. Love. Respect. Fun. Peace. Family. Happiness.

After church last Saturday, I actually walked out with tears in my eyes. It could have been lingering PMS, but whatever it was, it struck a cord in me.

Ass is drinking again. Working, but drinking. He gives me money. What he THINKS he should give me. Last week he gave me money and then blew the rest of his paycheck at the horse race track. His whole f'n paycheck! THEN asked to borrow $20 from me. Talk about irresponsible. I've got a big surprise for him, today I am giving him a bill. It is what is due...half of the what the bills are. If he doesn't like it, he can get the F out! It's pretty sad I have to work a second job because I can't depend on him. As I should. I shouldn't depend on anyone, but myself.

I'm so tired of being a good person. I let people take advantage of me way too often. Where is the line between a good person and a doormat?

I honestly don't know.

I started my second job. I enjoyed it. Nothing like working with a bunch of crazies. It's interesting and fun. I will learn a lot about people while working there.

A man came in for alcohol treatment. I could smell the alcohol on him a mile away. He couldn't fill out his paperwork because he couldn't see it very well. I went into the lobby and filled it out for him. When we got to the "your age" question, I looked at him and said "how old are you, 21?" He laughed and said "I wish I was 21 again". I tried to make him feel better about being there. I think it worked, I got a laugh out of him. THAT made me feel good. =)

I talked to my grandmother. She complained about my sister, and her kids. My sister doesn't talk to her, she doesn't call her, my niece doesn't have time for her, blah blah blah. Then she said "maybe I shouldn't have taken M away from your mom, if she would have had to grow up like YOU did, maybe she would know what it's like to have feelings".

I didn't respond. I'm not exactly sure how to take that. How would you take it?

Say What?!

For those of you who don't know, I have a bad habit. I smoke. I know all of the warnings, but once you become addicted to cigarettes, it's better than sex (and it lasts longer).

I've tried to quit. Ok, not really, but I did go a few days without. And let me tell ya, I wasn't happy. Now I'm forced to quit. Cigarettes are $5.35 a pack! They are going up again in April. Damn that Marlboro Man!

I refuse to pay that much money to kill myself.

Starting tomorrow (okay, probably MONDAY), I will stop smoking...

cold freakin turkey.

Man, I'm going to be bitchy.

The Bright Side

He's been sober for three weeks yesterday. He's a much better person sober. Which is expected. Yesterday, he wanted to drink. I told him he could go to AA, but he wasn't drinking in my home. He wouldn't go to AA, but he didn't drink either. I'm wondering what's going to happen when he starts getting paid.

I got a second job at a mental hospital. My family and friends say it's about time I go where I belong. I have to admit, I do find the mentally ill interesting. I will be working the switchboard and checking belongings that people drop off to their loved ones. The good thing, the pay is decent. It's after hours from my regular job and on weekends. The bad thing, they will only use me "as needed". They did tell me they would pull me in for other things as well, so I can get some hours. Whatever works. I have extra time to kill and I want MONEY!

Things are definitely better at home. I just hope it stays that way. I'm trying to think positive and better myself. I've even been going to church!

Bet ya didn't see that coming, did ya?

When in doubt, write about being horny.

WARNING: This post is personal and WEIRD

I'm horny. Like all the time! I know, laugh. It is funny, but I think there is something going on with me. I even had sex dreams last night. Two of them! Am I reaching my prime? I mean, seriously. Somebody give me some input here! Is this normal?

Your advice is appreciated!

Oh man, I've just embarrassed myself with my fellow bloggers...

good thing I'm laughing.

11 Days

He's been sober for 11 days. He's also going back to work. He's trying, I guess. He said he's going to replace my HD tv, first thing. I won't hold my breath, but that is the least he could do. Until then, I bought a 19 inch used televison from someone at work.

Friday the 13th wasn't as good as I thought it would be. What is the deal with all the boobs? I know, typical Friday the 13th movie, but come on...I didn't need all the boob footage. Penis! Where is the penis? Penis isn't all that attractive, but a man should have to show something.

Am I right, or am I right?

Happy Birthday, Mig!

Hope your day is as wonderful as you are. Happy Birthday!

It's Friday the 13th

Well, he's still at my house. Until I go to court, there isn't much I can do. You know what pisses me off about the whole thing? The fact he's staying where he isn't wanted. I told him that too.

He's made many promises this week, but I've heard them so many times. I did take him to AA Monday night. He hasn't had anything to drink for going on six days, but today will be a major test. He's gone with family, I'm curious to see if he will be able to say no to alcohol. I know he's an alcoholic, but if he's serious about changing, he will say no. That's the way I look at it.

I've been sick this week. I've only been able to take him to one meeting. However, I did tell him "if you feel the need to drink, we will go to a meeting". I don't have to do any of this, I know, I'm too nice. I would really like for this guy to get his life together, without bringing me down in the process. I even sent him a text message today saying "I have faith in you". I WANT to have faith in him, but to be honest, I'm not sure I do.

He says he's going to get his shit together. He also said he's trying to find another place to go. Right now he's kissing my ass. He thinks I have an EPO against him and that I'm LETTING him stay. He's trying to talk me into "dropping it". I'm not telling him any different. If he's drunk tonight, I will make him leave. Some way, some how. The only way he will get back in, is if the police make me let him in.

Tonight I'm going out with my coworker. We are going to see the cheesy remake movie, Friday the 13th (you know you want to see it!). I'm ready to have some fun.

Thank you so much for your friendship and support! I love you all!

My name is Sassy and I'm a doormat...

When I got home Friday evening, he had busted my flatscreen tv. I called the police that night. They did exactly what I thought they would...

NOTHING.

They told me they couldn't legally make him leave. Since I let him stay there, he established residency. To them, he had done nothing wrong. Calling me bitch and cunt is "freedom of speech". Unless he physically hit me, there wasn't anything they could do. They even suggested I leave my own apartment for the night since HE had no place to go. I did leave...for a while. I came back when I knew he'd be passed out.

A bunch of crap happened on Saturday too, but I don't have the energy to get in to that right now.

It's a long story, but basically I have to file through the court to have him evicted. Even though his name is NOT on the lease, the apartment is considered his. Legally, unless the court says so, I can't keep him out. I could go through my landlord, but the dumbass isn't even supposed to be there. I know, bad on my part. I don't want to get myself evicted.

Basically, the police wouldn't do anything to help me. I'm tired of fighting. Of course ASS is playing the whole "I'll change" card again. I am taking him to AA tonight, but I'm not sure if he really wants help or if it's just a show so I won't have his ass evicted.

If he really wants help, I will help him get it. Even though he doesn't deserve anything from me.

Either way, I want him out.

Protection my ass...

The drunk has been calling me all day at work. Calling me names, threatening me, etc. I called the police and asked them if they would meet me at home, after I get off work and make him leave.

They told me no.

They said that he has established residence there. If I want him out, I have to go file for an eviction against him. Even though it's MY apartment! The only way they will help me is if he is getting violent at the time, and I call 911, THEN they will come to my residence and make him leave.

So...let me get this straight, he has to physically harm me or threaten me first? Then IF I CAN call the police, they will make him leave?

I told the cop about past events, he said "I wouldn't put up with that as long as you have".

Really? NO SHIT! I'm just a dumb ass, sorry.

I guess they don't understand that I was trying to keep from calling 911.

Let's just hope I'm able to call the police.

Lost and Numb

Rain asked if the guy was my ex husband.

No. Sadly, my ex treated me with more respect. He cheated, occasionally he blew up and hit me, but he never really talked to me the way this guy does.

I met the freak in a bar. Go figure. Back in August, I decided it was time for me to get out and meet someone. I was having a hard time, I was so tired of being alone. It gets old going home to nothing, nobody, day after day. I was tired of eating alone, sleeping alone, etc. Not much has changed, really. When I first met him, he was attractive and CHARMING. I found out that he was a liar, and well, his personality/attitude made him unattractive. Then I found out he had a major drinking problem. I thought I knew when to get out, matter of fact, I should have never let him in.

I figured with everything I'd been through in life, I could get rid of him when I needed to. It didn't happen that way. I kept making excuses. I still make excuses. I kept him around for the holidays because I didn't want to spend them alone. He made promises. Promises that he would cut down on drinking, that he'd treat me better, etc. I knew it wouldn't happen, but I let him stay because he has no place to go. I know it isn't my problem, but I just can't seem to make myself put him out in the cold. His own family won't take him because of his drinking problem. He's burned every bridge he's crossed. Except for mine. My bridge seems to be fire proof.

I seriously don't know why I haven't booted his ass out. I can take a lot. I know, that sounds silly, but lately, I'm numb. I've stopped caring. There isn't much positive in my life right now. I'm just going with the flow and pretending things aren't happening. Then I come here...

to let it all out.

I'm ashamed of what my life has become...

When he's sober, he barely speaks to me, unless he's bitching about something ridiculous. We sit in two different rooms. When things don't go his way, I'm a bitch, slut, cunt, etc. I get nothing from him. There is no affection. We don't sleep in the same bed, we don't have sex. He's just...there.

When he's drunk, he's affectionate. He wants sex (even though he can't keep it up due to alcohol). He loves me, blah blah blah. He easily gets angry. Last weekend he got upset when I went out to eat with my female coworker. He called my cell phone several times. He accused me of being with other men. I finally turned my phone off. When I turned it back on, I had 14 messages. He basically called me a piece of shit and threatened me. The next day, he got angry when I didn't want to go anywhere with him (he was drunk). He shoved me against the counter. He barricaded the front door so nobody could get in or out. I was going to call the police, but he watched every move I made. I was afraid he'd flip his lid before the police arrived. He's Jekyll and Hyde.

He found my journal. He read it. My own personal thoughts and feelings. He uses it against me.

He threatens me. He says if I don't stay with him, he will make me get kicked out of my apartment, he will get me fired from my job, he will fuck up my car, he will kill my dog, etc.

I don't believe everything he says. I think he is just running his mouth. I don't coward away from him, but I don't fuel the fire either.

I don't want him in my life anymore. I don't want to get anyone involved, I just want him to go peacefully.

I want my life back!

Someone Entertain Me!

Work is slow. The weather is crazy. I'm slowly going insane.

I haven't had my Prozac for several days. I am going to SNAP soon. It sort of freaks me out how your body reacts to not having something it's used to having daily. I almost thought about not taking it anymore, but to be honest, it helps me deal with daily things in life. I couldn't work at my job if I didn't take medication. Seriously! Not to mention, I'm not the happiest person, as all of you know. Good thing you love me anyways. =)

I'm waiting on the weather forecast. We could possibly get a lot of snow, with blizzard type conditions, at the beginning of next week. I think it will go the other way. Let's hope so because I'm getting cabin fever! I do nothing, but work and go home. This crap is getting old.

Maybe a giant ice sickle will hit me in the head...

if I'm lucky.

Got Ice?

Over the past few days, we've had terrible weather. We got several inches of ice and snow. A state of emergency was called, there are thousands of people without power. I lost power Wednesday morning, but the power came back on yesterday. Thank God, I was starting to get cold! None of the office staff made it to work (I couldn't get out of my parking lot) and the ones that made it in, were sent home. However, I am back at work today.

I can't believe all of the trees and power lines that are down. It's amazing what ice can do. I could hear trees breaking and falling. The ice looked beautiful on the trees. It WAS something to see.

Earthquake, tornadoes, hurricane wind storm, ice and snow...

What's next?

Bye Bye Bush

Drunk Ass: See this is what pisses me off, they are showing nothing, but blacks.

Me: Well, it's a moment in history for black people. They are showing white people too. Look, there is a white woman and she's crying!

Drunk Ass: Yeah, all because a f'n NIGGAR made President.

Me: STFU! Just because your dumbass is racist doesn't mean I am. I'm sick of listening to your shit and I'm sick of you using that word! Go to f'n bed!

He continued to yell niggar through my apartment. I was about to call the police (seriously). Our neighbor is a black man, a very nice black man. I know the guy could hear his dumbass through the wall. If I see my neighbor outside, I feel I should apologize, even though I wasn't the one saying it.

A black man becoming President. It shows just how much the world has changed. I think it's truly amazing.

Maybe Obama is just what this country needs.

Stalking Mig...Again

The Cannon Fodder MeMe

1. Is there someone you'd like to be kissing right now? No, I'm not in the kissing mood today. Thanks.

2. When you're being extremely quiet, what does it mean? It usually means I'm sad. I'm hiding within myself.

3. What are you listening to right now? Some stupid country song that I don't care for at all.

4. Are you a big fan of thunderstorms? Not since I've seen the damage of what a tornado can do. And not since I live in an upstairs apartment!

5. Do you believe in perfect? No way. Thank God, perfect would be boring.

6. Are you a jealous person? I try not to be, but I totally am.

7. What was the first thing you thought this morning? What time is it?

8. What do you think about when you are falling asleep? The things I want/need to change. People in my life. Let's just say I pray a lot.

9. Are you satisfied with what you have in life? No, but I am grateful.

10. Do people ever think that you're either older or younger than you actually are? All I know is they don't card me for beer anymore! I'm not happy about that!

11. Do you think men truly understand women? Nope. Not from what I've seen.

12. How about women understanding men? Repeat answer at #11.

13. Did anybody ever call you handsome or beautiful? Yes, beautiful. It's very flattering.

14. What is one fact about the last person that called you? He's an immature ass.

15. Other than your current one, what’s the longest relationship you have had? 11 years with my ex. Almost a complete waste of 11 years. :/

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Stalking Mig

1. What is the bravest thing that you feel you've ever done physically?
I physically went to another country all by MYSELF. Does that count? It should!

2. What is the bravest thing that you feel you've ever done emotionally?
When I filed for divorce. I didn't think I would ever be able to do that.

3. What one talent do you wish you had that you don't?
I wish I could sing.

4. If you had that talent what would you be doing with it?
Entertaining the drunks at the local bar?

5. We all have our reasons for blogging but what would be your ultimate goal for your blog or as a blogger?
Blogging is just an outlet for me. It's also for me to get advice. I need advice!

6. What advice would you give a new blogger?
Write from the heart.

7. Who are you three favorite blogs to visit (Yes, you can have ties and name more than three.)
Mig, Coyote, Jess. I visit all of them daily. More than once a day. Seems like most blogs are quiet these days. What's up with that? Blog dammit!

8. You can trade lives with any one person for a month. Who would it be and why?
Someone pregnant who gives birth in that month. That way I could decide if I really want children or not. haha

9. There's a fire and your family is safe but you have the chance to save any one item from your house. What would it be and why?
My pictures from Amsterdam. I will probably never get to go back.

10. You have the chance to go back in time and warn yourself before making a bad choice. What choice would it be and what would you tell yourself?
I wouldn't of got married. You all know why.

Scary, but true...

This is a picture of my mother in her "angry" personality. No shit! I did not get this off of the internet. However, I am thinking of calling Hollywood. She could star in the next zombie film!

Anyways....

I spent Friday evening at my grandma/mom's house. I did laundry and we talked about old times. Old times led into my childhood. I listened to excuses being made as to why NOTHING was done to protect me.

Anxiety level: 10

After washing my clothes, I said thanks and left. I analyzed our conversations on the way home. I was angry, but I refused to cry. I wanted to cry. I'm tired of being the victim. I quickly made myself get over it.

All I can say...

pills are great.

"When you die, all you have to take with you, is LOVE".

Maybe that's why we look so hard to find it...

I Still Have Head Worms

I pretty much spent my weekend at home, watching tv, in bed.

Depression. Oh...what...fun.

Me and my sister are sort of speaking, well, texting. I had to be the one to break the ice. I'd like to think that doesn't make me weak. Right?

Me: I don't want to fight with you. Life is too short. We are sisters. I love you and the kids. I miss you.

Her: You too, but I won't ask you to go out with us again.

Does she actually think I WANT to go out with her again?

I let that comment go. That's her way of putting all the blame on me. I'll let her have her way, only because I want this bullshit to end. Things will never be the same between us. We are from the same womb, but two different worlds.

The ASS I've been seeing is out of town. His dad is dying. He's been gone for a week (we talk everyday). At first I enjoyed having my home, myself back. Then I realized that all I had was me and started missing him...

How fucked up is that?

What a way to bring in the New Year...

I went out New Years Eve with my sister, her hub, and two of their friends. We all got pretty drunk. Let me add, when I'm drunk, I'm a little wild and free. As most of us are. Everything was going great, I was having a blast. The singer in the band said "I haven't seen boobs all night, what's up with that". I flashed my BRA. No boobs were shown...at all.

My sister instantly got pissed off. She got mad because her husband of 12 years was standing there. Might I add, he didn't even see the TWO SECOND bra flash. She said I wasn't going anywhere with them ever again, I was acting like a whore, blah blah blah. I told her I couldn't believe she was actually mad over something so ridiculous. It was a freakin joke, and I just showed my bra. I told her to stop acting like a bitch. I walked away.

The other chick that was with us asked me what happened, as I was telling her, my sister reaches across the bar and hits me in the face (I didn't even see it coming). I lost it. I went right back at her, and broke three of my nails in the process. My brother n law told us to stop it, we were sisters. The security guard came over and asked us to leave. I took a taxi home. My brother n law called to make sure I made it home, and that I had money to pay the taxi driver.

I haven't talked to her since.

This isn't the first time she has hit me. Once she hit me when I was 16 because I wanted to stay the night with my friend and wouldn't go home with her. I didn't hit her back, I let it go.

This time, I had enough. Maybe I did disrespect her by flashing my bra, but regardless, she had no right to hit me. I am not a violent person, but I am not going to tolerate someone hitting me in the face. I will not just stand there and take it.

My mother and grandmother of course thinks my sister does no wrong. It's all my fault. It's always been that way. I had to kiss my sister's ass all my life to be accepted by them. If they can't accept me for who I am, I don't need them. It doesn't matter. My sister got everything on a silver platter. I was kicked to the curb to be abused. Does it make me angry? Yes, it does. It's not my sister's fault, however, she too treated me like shit for years. Up until a few years ago, we barely spoke or saw each other. Since my split with the ex, we have become really close. Or so I thought.

I guess this bullshit ends the relationship. I refuse to apologize. I know she isn't going to apologize. I imagine she will keep the kids from me. So what family I did have, is now gone. I love her. I love the kids. I'm sad that this happened.

I should have kept my ass home New Years Eve.