I had a dream.
I was on a bicycle, peddling as fast as I could, and going nowhere.
Things came to an end. A-hole got trashed and made a complete ass out of himself, not only to me, but to my neighbors and the COPS. He went to jail (in his boxers). My landlord banned him from the property. And I had my number changed. It needed to be done. The great thing about it, I didn't have to do anything. He did it all himself. Everyone else took it from there.
Tomorrow I will be making an appointment for some counseling.
I need to know why. Why did I take his abuse for so long? Why do I get these type of men who show me no respect, who use me and abuse me?
I'm currently low as low can get. On a scale of 1-10, my self esteem is a 2. I'm sad. Not because he's gone, but because he was a wasted year of my life. I so much wanted him to be someone I could be with. Someone I could love, someone that would love me in return. He's "fucked up" in a bad way. He's beyond help. I knew it too. I knew it, and I still TRIED.
I'm angry about a lot of things today. I'm mostly angry about men who use women, and the women who let that happen. I'm especially angry at myself.
I could really use a friend right now.
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8 comments:
I'm sorry Hooker..I wish I was closer. I love you!
I am here for you.
And congratulations, on to the next chapter of your life.
Cut yourself some slack. We all are a work in progress.
Mig is right; we are all trying to become our better selves and you are way ahead of some of us!
Love you very much...
alan
I've been asking myself the same question. I'm going to spill my purse here so get ready. (I was mostly talking to myself there, getting myself ready.) I have been asking myself why I chose to spend time with men who can't give me what I want.
What the hell?
Sadomasochistic of me. I'm kidding even though it's kind of true.
Or maybe they can give me some of what I want but prove to be disappointing most of the time.
I'll bet some people are able to provide the full meal deal, yeah that's what I want. Cake, not crumbs.
Or maybe they just come on strong until I do, then they run the other way.
Probably for the best, I want a brave heart not a chicken shit.
We've just got to NOT associate pain with love. If it feels like crap, it's crap. If any of it feels like crap, it's crap. I'm not talking irritation infused fighting, I'm talking when your stomach pangs, or when you feel a thud in your chest, or when your inner voice, or voices in my case, start barking at you, turn tail and run because love isn't supposed to frapping hurt.
That's what I'm thinking.
Even though it hurts now and ya feel lonely, it's better to be alone for a time, bawl your brains out, sort yourself out, be glad you don't have to look at someone who didn't appreciate you. That's what I've been telling myself.
Oh and I listen to really loud angry music, and I sing really loud and obnoxiously as I drive down the road, music blaring like a sixteen year old, and I interject cuss words when I feel it necessary to do so...It's working for me, what can I say?
If they don't really want to hang with us, well then, we don't really want to hang with them.
I'm stopping the madness, when I was young it hurt and I couldn't do a damn thing to change it. Now by gaaaa when it hurts I'm going to change it. Thank God/Goddess you didn't wait till you were almost fifty...but, me jumping up off the ground from a fall, I'm a'ight, I'm good. heh. It's all good, I finally figured it out.
I've been looking at things differently lately. I think I will change the way I go about loving from now on. I want to be shown a new way. I'm looking for a new way.
I probably would benefit from a little therapy too, and I may do it, for the second time in my life, only this time I'm going in for the deep stuff, I dealt with surface the first time, just holding it all together on a surface level and getting myself through college...now I feel the need to go into the depths of my being, face some fears, and whip some ass.
Love and light to you daughter of eve,
mom
Oh and a bicycle is supposed to be speaking of the "sex act" in dreams...
That hunger is the hardest part of it...yeah.
We need to be choicey from now on.
We need be with someone who is lovable and who wants to love us too.
I'm finished trying to convince a holes to love me. Pfft, I think I want to try a b hole for a while. Lame attempt at being funny, but seriously I think I'm going to be open for a good man, a healthy man, not someone who I keep wishing would change in some way, or who needs to change...end of Lori's rant sequence...
Oh good gaaaa it sounds like I'm talking about um you and me finding US a man...gaaaa, I think I'm done here.
love ya, mean it,
mom of the year, NOT, heh...
You don't know me, but from reading this you sound like a fixer. You want to fix things like broken people, which sets you up for this type of heart break. Good luck in your search.
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