Tuesday, January 19, 2010


A two bedroom house, with hard wood floors, washer and dryer hook up, an attic for storage, and a fenced in back yard for my furry child, the dog.

It's going to be more expensive, I have more utilities to pay. However, I will have peace and quiet, central air, no more dreaded steps that almost caused me to DIE, and goodbye laundry mat! I'm trying to be moved by February 1st. Wish me luck on that. I hate moving.

That's what's going on with me. What the hell is going on with you? NOBODY blogs anymore!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

It Hurts

Dad is facing 5-29 years in prison. Tuesday they talked about dad on the news, it was also in the paper and on the internet. I was completely fucked up. I couldn't face the world yesterday, I called in to work. I pretty much slept all day. I haven't been sleeping since he got arrested.

I guess I might as well face it, I'm going to lose my dad. In more ways than one. Nothing will ever be the same.

The guy I've been seeing is pressuring me into feelings I just don't have for him right now. I don't think I CAN feel anything at the moment. He doesn't get it. I don't know how much longer I will continue to see him.

For once in my life, I was beginning to feel normal...

not anymore.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

God Help Me

My dad was arrested on Monday for seven counts of possession of child pornography. He's being charged with a D Felony and a C Felony.

His bond is $10,000.00 cash.

He's looking at 3-12 years in prison.

My dad has NEVER hurt me or anyone else to my knowledge. Out of the two parents, he was the only one who ever showed me any kind of love. He really wasn't a dad when I was growing up. He was a drunk. And he wasn't around, but at least I have some kind of relationship with him that I don't have with my mother. He has been there a lot more than she has. And now, I'm going to lose him.

Being a victim of sexual child abuse, I'm not sure how to feel about this. I keep telling myself that it's wrong for me to continue to acknowledge him as my father. How could I? No matter how bad I want to turn my back on him, he is still my father, and I love him.

I asked the detective why my abusers are still walking the streets, but my dad is in jail for something he supposedly downloaded on his computer. He couldn't answer that. He also couldn't tell me why they aren't going after the sick fucks who put this porn on the internet.

I have a hard time believing he's a child molester. IF he was downloading the child porn, does it mean for sure that he could be a child molester? OR was it pure curiosity? I'm just trying to figure this out. I want to know why. WHY did he have that shit on his computer?

So now I'm just waiting for my father's face to be flashed all over the news and internet. For people to gossip and look at me like I'm some kind of freak for being his daughter. I refuse to talk about it with anyone. However, I wish I had someone to talk to, that could understand how I'm feeling about all of this, and who wouldn't judge me for loving my father.

I'm devastated.