I Give Up

For those of you who read my blog: I will probably be MIA for a while.

Dec. 31st is my last day at work so I won't have internet access.

I'm being "let go" due to my emotional/personal (and lack of major help in my department) problems. The stressful job has become too much for me and according to my boss (who disrespects and doesn't like me) the department isn't being ran right and my head/emotions have been "all over the place". I can agree with that part, but I tried.

Go me! I so rock! :/

I love all of you. You have been so supportive. I will miss you dearly. I will check in when I can and update as well.

Have a blessed Christmas.

XOXO

It Truly Hurts

It truly hurts to find out that you were nothing. Nothing but a fling to him. After everything. After getting pregnant and losing that life. That life that was inside of me.

That life that once gave me so much hope...

Cheers

On Monday I will be 33 years old. I have an issue with getting older. I feel like everyone is passing me by. I have nobody to share my life with, no children of my own to love, and no place to call home. However, I do have my health and a job. For that I am thankful.

My friend bought me a ring. The ring says "Nothing is impossible". She wants me to remember that. I need to remember that. I've lost faith in all possibilities for myself.

I'm trying. Trying to climb out of this dark hole I'm in. I wish someone would throw me some rope. So I can either climb out or hang myself.

I think I need a drink..

I moved in with a friend so that life would be "more affordable". So far it hasn't been that way. I've lost my way to be me as well.

Every day I go to work. Every day I want to blend in with the office furniture. I work in the complaint department. Along with my disrespecting boss and realizing that if I had a penis, I'd be better off in the company. I dislike my job more and more.

I got pregnant (and lost the baby) by a man who says "let's take things slow..we are building..let things happen"...to.."I don't want to be in a serious relationship right now..I don't know what I want..I thought we were having fun...to everything is going to be alright". Did I mention he took me to meet his parents? AND he said that his mother told him I was a keeper? Why did he even tell me that?

I feel so...empty.

The sadness is different this time. I can't explain it, but I feel it. It's much deeper.

Nothing is what it seems. People always leave in the end. We are all in our own prison. We are all alone.

Hope is nothing...

but hope.

Who am I kidding..

I thought I was over it.

I feel so alone in this. So angry and alone. I'm having trouble being here, there, anywhere. I'm restless.

I feel dead inside.

Confused

The miscarriage is complete. My hcg level is under five. It feels so final now. A lot of things feel so final lately.

The so called "relationship" I'm in totally confuses me. He said I am everything he's looking for and more, he doesn't want to see anyone else, he wants to try for another baby (if I want to), BUT he isn't ready to commit to a serious relationship. He isn't ready to put a "title" on it. He said he doesn't know what his problem is, but he "will come around".

I'm so confused. WTF does all of this mean?

AND should I walk away now? I can't handle a broken heart along with everything else.

I don't have it in me.

I'm beginning to not have feelings for anything at all..

So Lost...

Just when you think things can't get any worse, God proves you wrong.

My period was five days late, but I thought I was going to start my cycle. I had all the premenstrual symptoms, but it never came. I took four pregnancy tests...all positive. I was shocked. Scared. Excited. The guy I've been seeing was excited as well.

I told nearly everyone. He told people too.

Saturday I went to the ER because I was having some cramping. They said I was early pregnant, around three weeks. They did some tests, everything was fine as long as I wasn't bleeding.

Monday morning I woke up bleeding. I went to the ER. The doctor said my hcg level had dropped from 40 to 8 and that I was miscarrying. He was very sorry. So was I. I never cried so hard in my life.

When the guy I've been seeing found out I was miscarrying, he was upset about it. He was looking forward to it, he wanted a boy. He left work early to be with me. He told me how sorry he was. He even said we could try for another baby. He has been very supportive. I really couldn't ask for a better man to have been pregnant by.

For the past few days, I've been going through the motions. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I've had a great support system, but sometimes I feel so alone in this. For years I've wanted to be a mother. I had pretty much given up because I never thought it would happen.

I just don't understand why God would let me get pregnant and then take it away from me. Maybe this is his way of bringing me and the guy closer, and to show me that yes, he (God) IS there, and that anything is possible. That's the way I'm trying to look at it or otherwise I'm going to shut down in complete sadness.

I've been through a lot, but this is the HARDEST thing I've had to endure.

Something in me has died in more ways than one. I will never be the same...

ever.

I don't want to hurt anymore.

Nobody is perfect.

Perfect isn't who I am. It's not who I want to be. Maybe I just want to be somewhat perfect to someone else.

Not perfect...special.

I don't feel pretty enough. Skinny enough. Smart enough. I point out all of my flaws to myself and I think, how could someone else not notice them? How could someone else love me with them?

I just can't seem to find the answers within myself. I'm always seeking somewhere else.

Not Now

I don't know if I'm sad or angry.

My best Hooker (Jess) is losing her MIL. They aren't giving her much longer before she passes away. Please, stop by Jess's blog and say something to make her smile, or crap her pants. Whichever. She will be glad to hear from you. I love Jess. When she hurts, I hurt.

The guy. Did I mention that he makes me feel beautiful? Well, he does. There are some other things that are going with him. It's a long story, but he's having some health issues. I'm pretty sure they are testing him for liver cancer. I'm completely freaked out. I'm just trying not to show it.

Today is one of those days when I question the higher power. I know I shouldn't, but I really just don't understand.

I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!

It's All Good

Every time I see him, we seem to get a little closer...

He said: Thank you

Me: For what?

He said: For being you.

I think that is the best compliment anyone can get. He reminds me of someone I used to know.

I never thought I'd find that level with another person again.

BUT...

maybe I have.

At least I hope so.

Building

I had that one person I could tell anything to. ANYTHING, without judgement. I could talk to that person and know that when the conversation was over, I'd feel better. Everyone needs that kind of someone in their life.

Last night I cried myself to sleep for various reasons. It's what we, as human beings (well, at least women) do. The more I cried, the more angry I became. I WANTED, NEEDED that "kind of someone" so badly to talk with. That "kind of someone" is no longer in my life. They left me. I feel abandoned.

Today I realized that maybe I depended too much on that person. Maybe they felt it too.

The new person in my life (maybe), we are taking things slow. We are "building" (his words). Building what exactly? A friendship, a relationship, a cult? It doesn't really matter as long as we are building something.

With the douche bags I've dated, to be honest, there was something safe about it. I knew that I could never fall in love with them. I may have been broken in other ways, but my heart was safe. And I stayed. Now, I've found someone I could probably "build" something with. I could fall in love with him. And I feel myself pulling away because I am nothing, but a big CHICKEN SHIT.

I'm afraid to give it a chance.

I'm afraid not to.

Update

I missed two days of work this week. I got worse with the UTI. My blood pressure went up for some reason. I was in the hospital. I'm back at work today. It's all good. AND...

I found out that he is "into" me.

It's a good thing, too. I DO have a voodoo doll with his name on it!

Mwahaha

On my mind..

About four months ago, I found a lump in my right side. It's bigger now.

Guess I will make a doctor's appointment. It's probably nothing, but I have to take care of myself.


Will keep you posted!

I want it so badly
somebody other than me
staring back at me...

The weekend is here. As much as I want to do something, there isn't much to do. I don't like the bar scene, but right now, that is an option.

I get so tired of just spending time with ME.

I've decided that my "Prince Charming" isn't going to find me. I think his horse died, along with his GPS.

Guess I'll settle for Mr. Budlight!

:/

I talked to a professional/wise man about my father. He told me that I wouldn't believe the things people have on their computers. He also said that he believes if my dad was into "children", he would have had thousands of pictures and downloaded movies, not just a few. I agree with him, but I still can't help to wonder what the hell it was all about. If I ever have a child, I wouldn't leave it alone with my father. Only because all of this puts a red flag in the back of my mind.


My father is getting out of jail soon. They are giving him three years of probation, no access to internet, and he has to be a registered sex offender for a while. No prison time. I'm glad he isn't going to prison. However, I will be in my own prison. He has no place to go. He has to start all over again. I'm his only daughter. You see where this is going. I DO NOT want to deal with any of it! I shouldn't have to.

When it comes to my parents, I'm screaming inside. SCREAMING!

Good thing I have an appointment for a massage tomorrow. Oh shit, please don't tell me I have to get naked for this...

What?

Most of us have morals. We know what we should and shouldn't do. We also do things that make us feel guilty, but still do it, because in the long run...it's all about SURVIVAL.

None of us truly follow our hearts. We go with whatever is comfortable and hope that will make us happy. Then we find out we still aren't happy, but what we really want isn't worth going for. Fear stands in the way.

Sometimes it's better to have something, than nothing at all. Even if that something makes you miserable. Sounds crazy, but it's true. Trust me, I know.

People get so used to the daily routine, it all becomes "I feel stuck in a rut". Life is going nowhere. It's at a boring standstill.

That's me. At a standstill. It's all followed by stressful outbursts!

At least that's what I'm calling it.

Just this week..

One of my best friends found out her mother-n-law has cancer. A friend of my dad's shot and killed himself. A 19 year old girl from my hometown was crushed to pieces in a car accident.

Before all of that, I was feeling sorry for myself.

Today...I'm the lucky one.

WE ARE NEVER PROMISED TOMORROW.

I'm at work tonight. I'm watching everyone come and go with their addiction problems, realizing my own issues.

I miss my dad. Even though he wasn't much of a father, I miss him. It hurts that he's in jail, facing those kind of charges. Deep down, I think I know the truth. I'm just in denial.

I feel so alone these days. I blog to breathe. And sometimes I still can't breathe. There are many times that I write, delete.

Tonight I will go home to a dark, silent house. I will have my crying session. Tomorrow I will be better.

At least I have my Harley. Who I forgot to leave a light on for..

shit.

Thoughts for the day..

I'm beginning to think being a good person is a sign of weakness. Especially when it's the A-Holes that come out on top.

Sometimes I wish I could move away, change my identity. Maybe become a selfish bitch. Be a person that I'm not. Be fake. See how far that gets me.

Why do I want someone I can't have? Why can't something be done about that?

I can't decide if I want to buy myself a new digital camera or a HD TV for my bedroom. Or both. Nah. How about a laptop? No. Nobody is online anymore.

I must take my dog to the vet for the usual. Man, he's going to hate me.

Does anyone really read this shit?

It's easy to lose faith.

It's easy to lose hope.

For every what I wanted to be moment, or for that one being that gave me some kind of hope, for something, anything...

failed me.

This has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with me.

I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I just am.

I watched my niece (by friendship) last weekend. She told me a girl at school was making fun of her for not wearing a bra. I explained to her that it wasn't polite for this girl to make fun of her, and that it wasn't any one's business. Then we talked about her wearing a bra, since she is 11 years old and starting to develop. The conversation went a little something like this...

ME: Well, honey, you are 11 years old now. Maybe we should buy you a bra.

HER: I don't have to wear a bra, I'm not giving birth.

ME: Who told you that? Your mom? (I could see my friend telling her that!)

HER: No, I came up with that all on my own.

LMAO!

I told her that I wasn't giving birth, but I still had to wear a bra. We ended up at Walmart, she ended up with a cute little pink bra that she absolutely loved!

I just had to share that story. I never laughed so hard in my life.

Tomorrow my niece will be 17 years old. My other niece (by marriage) is having a baby girl. She's due next month. My nephew will be 12 next week.

As for me, I will have another dried up egg...

GAH!

Where has the time gone?

Doing fine.

Dad is still in jail, doesn't go back to court until May. This is going to be one..long..hard..process.

Ready for the weekend! Even though I'm just babysitting for a friend. Don't worry, she's 11 years old, it won't be that hard...

OR WILL IT?

Be back soon!

I got moved. I love the house, but I'm totally exhausted. It's bringing me down.

Things I have the blues about..

Going to the jail three times a week. Once to put money on dad's books, twice to see him for 15 minutes, through a tv screen and telephone.

Dumping the guy I've only been seeing for a short while. He's in the same category as the last one. He's jobless and has a drinking problem.

Missing old friends. It's so weird how things change, people come and go. I don't like it.

Working this weekend and next. It's hard having a vagina and trying to make it totally on your own in this world.

Feeling...OLDER. Feeling...TIRED. Feeling...FED UP.

I AM MOVING!

A two bedroom house, with hard wood floors, washer and dryer hook up, an attic for storage, and a fenced in back yard for my furry child, the dog.

It's going to be more expensive, I have more utilities to pay. However, I will have peace and quiet, central air, no more dreaded steps that almost caused me to DIE, and goodbye laundry mat! I'm trying to be moved by February 1st. Wish me luck on that. I hate moving.

That's what's going on with me. What the hell is going on with you? NOBODY blogs anymore!

It Hurts

Dad is facing 5-29 years in prison. Tuesday they talked about dad on the news, it was also in the paper and on the internet. I was completely fucked up. I couldn't face the world yesterday, I called in to work. I pretty much slept all day. I haven't been sleeping since he got arrested.

I guess I might as well face it, I'm going to lose my dad. In more ways than one. Nothing will ever be the same.

The guy I've been seeing is pressuring me into feelings I just don't have for him right now. I don't think I CAN feel anything at the moment. He doesn't get it. I don't know how much longer I will continue to see him.

For once in my life, I was beginning to feel normal...

not anymore.

God Help Me

My dad was arrested on Monday for seven counts of possession of child pornography. He's being charged with a D Felony and a C Felony.

His bond is $10,000.00 cash.

He's looking at 3-12 years in prison.

My dad has NEVER hurt me or anyone else to my knowledge. Out of the two parents, he was the only one who ever showed me any kind of love. He really wasn't a dad when I was growing up. He was a drunk. And he wasn't around, but at least I have some kind of relationship with him that I don't have with my mother. He has been there a lot more than she has. And now, I'm going to lose him.

Being a victim of sexual child abuse, I'm not sure how to feel about this. I keep telling myself that it's wrong for me to continue to acknowledge him as my father. How could I? No matter how bad I want to turn my back on him, he is still my father, and I love him.

I asked the detective why my abusers are still walking the streets, but my dad is in jail for something he supposedly downloaded on his computer. He couldn't answer that. He also couldn't tell me why they aren't going after the sick fucks who put this porn on the internet.

I have a hard time believing he's a child molester. IF he was downloading the child porn, does it mean for sure that he could be a child molester? OR was it pure curiosity? I'm just trying to figure this out. I want to know why. WHY did he have that shit on his computer?

So now I'm just waiting for my father's face to be flashed all over the news and internet. For people to gossip and look at me like I'm some kind of freak for being his daughter. I refuse to talk about it with anyone. However, I wish I had someone to talk to, that could understand how I'm feeling about all of this, and who wouldn't judge me for loving my father.

I'm devastated.