Thursday, July 30, 2009

It's sad when you spend a lot of years with someone and you find out they SUCK.

Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this, but it's on my mind. My Hooker is moving away. She's doing what's best for her and the kids. She's totally unhappy, and has been for a very long time. She doesn't have a supportive husband and most of the time he's as ASS. She can better herself with him out of the picture. He's holding her back. She's strong. One of the strongest women I know. She will do just fine. I know this, but I worry. I hope she can have the life she deserves. I also hope she finds the love that she deserves.

It makes me sad that she has to go through this. I wish there was something I could do for her. I don't feel like I've been a very good friend. She's always been there for me, but I don't feel like I've returned the favor. So I totally SUCK.

Life. It keeps changing. People come and go in my life. Important people. People who made an impact on my heart. It's easy for me to make friends, but hard for me to get close to people.

Maybe that's why I stick with the "dysfunctional"...

So I won't get hurt.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Good news. The catscan came back fine, they found no cat. It still doesn't explain my stomach issues, but whatever.

I got a good bonus from work. Yay me!

Bad news. My health insurance is going up. Damn it, man! Oh well, at least I have health insurance.

I'm trying to stay positive about life and crap.

Thinking about renting a house...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


I didn't exactly have the catscan on Friday. I overslept and didn't make it. I did have it today. And it sucked! That stuff they make you drink tastes like ASS. Not that I know what ass tastes like, but I can just imagine. Then they give you dye that makes you feel like you are peeing all over yourself.

I should get the results in a few days. I guess.

As soon as I know, you will know! I'm sure everything is fine, it's probably my lack of gallbladder and well, I did have sex with an alien once.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Suck It

Have I learned anything? Am I even capable of learning? Is it my heart or my head that gets in the way of my learning? Or is it fear? And fear of what? I've been through worse and made it. I survived.

I'm ashamed to admit I let him come back after last time. But I did. And once again, I kicked his out. It was over a week ago. He went to jail for PI/disorderly conduct. And I got rid of his shit. He called me when he got out of jail (the next day). I ended up dropping him off at a bar, where he found someone to go home with. He moved in with her.

How did I react to that?

Well, I was hurt. Of course.

He gave me the story that I put his crap out, so basically it was my fault. And he couldn't sleep on the streets! He had a good girl now, don't you know. He found himself some good ole white trash. So I've heard. Then again, what do I expect from someone who lets a man move in with them after one night? What did I expect from him? Nothing. He's a drunken/user/abuser. She means nothing to him. She's just a place to live and a place to drink booze. Just as I was.

I ended it on good terms. I told him I would pray for him. That I was still a friend. I screwed up yesterday when I asked him if he missed me.

He called me today. Telling me how much he misses me and that he really wants to come "home". And you know, if it wasn't for the fact he's been up in someone else, I'd probably be stupid and take him back once again. Why? Because I'm that f'n lonely. Or desperate. However you want to see it.

I can't stomach the thought of him. To think that he went home with a complete stranger, surely slept with her, and moved on in like I hadn't even existed. He couldn't be a real man, no. He had to find another sucker to leach on to.

And I'm the biggest sucker of them all.