Have I learned anything? Am I even capable of learning? Is it my heart or my head that gets in the way of my learning? Or is it fear? And fear of what? I've been through worse and made it. I survived.
I'm ashamed to admit I let him come back after last time. But I did. And once again, I kicked his out. It was over a week ago. He went to jail for PI/disorderly conduct. And I got rid of his shit. He called me when he got out of jail (the next day). I ended up dropping him off at a bar, where he found someone to go home with. He moved in with her.
How did I react to that?
Well, I was hurt. Of course.
He gave me the story that I put his crap out, so basically it was my fault. And he couldn't sleep on the streets! He had a good girl now, don't you know. He found himself some good ole white trash. So I've heard. Then again, what do I expect from someone who lets a man move in with them after one night? What did I expect from him? Nothing. He's a drunken/user/abuser. She means nothing to him. She's just a place to live and a place to drink booze. Just as I was.
I ended it on good terms. I told him I would pray for him. That I was still a friend. I screwed up yesterday when I asked him if he missed me.
He called me today. Telling me how much he misses me and that he really wants to come "home". And you know, if it wasn't for the fact he's been up in someone else, I'd probably be stupid and take him back once again. Why? Because I'm that f'n lonely. Or desperate. However you want to see it.
I can't stomach the thought of him. To think that he went home with a complete stranger, surely slept with her, and moved on in like I hadn't even existed. He couldn't be a real man, no. He had to find another sucker to leach on to.
And I'm the biggest sucker of them all.
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11 comments:
Realizing is half the battle. The other half involves will power and a deep well of it.
I'm praying for you, be strong!
We all need love and affection; sometimes the things we do to find it aren't good for us. You've figured it out and I'll hope it "sticks", because as long as you keep going back there's no moving ahead to the good things you deserve!
You are a beautiful, amazing, wonderful caring person and deserve the same; I'll hope you don't settle for less!
alan
"he found him a good girl"..lmao sorry, that struck me funny. She's such a good girl to bring home a man from a bar on the first night they met and let him move in! lol
Doesn't he know that YOU are the best there is?
Don't YOU know that? No? Well, you should dammit! And any man that doesn't realize that is an idiot!
Be strong Hooker. I've been praying for you!
I love you!
What?!What?!What?!
You missed him? Really? Really, really?
Ok, but what about the cat scan?
I understand being lonely. But thank God he found someone else. It's in your best interest that he goes far away. Forget him, I've missed you!
you're learning honey, faster than I did, and at a much younger age...sure there are going to be times when you repeat past behavior that's not good for you, we all do it.
What I want you to ask yourself is, What hole am I trying to fill inside me? See I'm a hole filler, have had a void deep in my soul for years, and I've been trying to stuff all kinds of shit in that hole to fill it up, and nothing seems to do it, and no one can do it either.
I have to do it.
I have to find out what brings me joy in this life. Part of why I've been on a quest for the odd and unusual, because things like that always make me smile. I have to learn to really love being alone again and with people, enjoying both. I have to find my joy and so do you.
I have to heal from the past pains, somehow and move on, and so do you.
I have to control my mind. I've learned that there is a positive force in my head and a negative, I feed the positive by listening to the law of attraction on you tube--I know corny, but I do it--and I repeat specific life goals over and over like a mantra to still the negative voice. Like, I am right where I am supposed to be in life, I am learning a new fun and peaceful way to live my life...I welcome love into my life and freely give love in return. I even have cards laying around with this stuff on them so I don't have to actually remember what I want, I can read it over and over again when I'm walking my mile and a half a day for my back...
I love you, I hope this helps some.
What do YOU love to do?
mom
oh hell should that have been whole? I could google it, but you know me...
And YOU are NOT a big sucker. Good gaaa woman I took my ex husband back so many times I can't even count them, don't want to count them for the reliving of it, sheesh, and I finally ended it last July, or buried it then, it had been dead for a long time.
We do what we know, or we do the best we can until we know better, and then we do better.
Sometimes we have to take back the crap in order to remember, Oh yeah this is crap. Do we have a short memory? Or are we just hope fiends, hoping that this time someone will finally act right, you know? The way we need for them to act. Just like in childhood always wishing that the grown ups would finally act right. Hah. The cool thing is, now we don't have to live with the crap, then we didn't have a lot of choice.
Sometimes we take what we are used to taking and if bad treatment is what we're used to, yeah we'll take it until it makes us so miserable that we can't take it anymore.
There's a better life out there for you, you'll make it. I've got faith in you to find it too.
love a love a love a,
mom
I agree. You deserve the good things.
Embrace them!
Oh, and just thinking, what's that old story about the woman who goes to the old man to learn everything she needs to know?
The old man leaves her in a cave and every morning he goes to the cave and beats her in the head with a club, or stick...
And she asks, "When are you going to teach me all that I need to know?"
He doesn't answer, he just leaves.
The next day he comes back and whacks her in the head again, and again she asks the same question. "When are you going to teach me all that I need to know?"
He leaves.
Next day, same thing, whack, her question, and he leaves.
One day the old man lifts the stick to thump the woman on the head, but this time she stops him from hitting her, and she asks again, "When are you going to teach me all that I need to know?"
And he says, you finally know all that you need to know.
I think it's time I learned this one.
I'm standing up for myself, finally.
I'll never let another human put knots on my head, EVER.
Now I think I need to work on NOT handing everyone who happens to look at me cross ways, their butts, and insisting they wear them as a hat.
love and light,
mom
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