I got moved. I love the house, but I'm totally exhausted. It's bringing me down.

Things I have the blues about..

Going to the jail three times a week. Once to put money on dad's books, twice to see him for 15 minutes, through a tv screen and telephone.

Dumping the guy I've only been seeing for a short while. He's in the same category as the last one. He's jobless and has a drinking problem.

Missing old friends. It's so weird how things change, people come and go. I don't like it.

Working this weekend and next. It's hard having a vagina and trying to make it totally on your own in this world.

Feeling...OLDER. Feeling...TIRED. Feeling...FED UP.

I AM MOVING!

A two bedroom house, with hard wood floors, washer and dryer hook up, an attic for storage, and a fenced in back yard for my furry child, the dog.

It's going to be more expensive, I have more utilities to pay. However, I will have peace and quiet, central air, no more dreaded steps that almost caused me to DIE, and goodbye laundry mat! I'm trying to be moved by February 1st. Wish me luck on that. I hate moving.

That's what's going on with me. What the hell is going on with you? NOBODY blogs anymore!

It Hurts

Dad is facing 5-29 years in prison. Tuesday they talked about dad on the news, it was also in the paper and on the internet. I was completely fucked up. I couldn't face the world yesterday, I called in to work. I pretty much slept all day. I haven't been sleeping since he got arrested.

I guess I might as well face it, I'm going to lose my dad. In more ways than one. Nothing will ever be the same.

The guy I've been seeing is pressuring me into feelings I just don't have for him right now. I don't think I CAN feel anything at the moment. He doesn't get it. I don't know how much longer I will continue to see him.

For once in my life, I was beginning to feel normal...

not anymore.

God Help Me

My dad was arrested on Monday for seven counts of possession of child pornography. He's being charged with a D Felony and a C Felony.

His bond is $10,000.00 cash.

He's looking at 3-12 years in prison.

My dad has NEVER hurt me or anyone else to my knowledge. Out of the two parents, he was the only one who ever showed me any kind of love. He really wasn't a dad when I was growing up. He was a drunk. And he wasn't around, but at least I have some kind of relationship with him that I don't have with my mother. He has been there a lot more than she has. And now, I'm going to lose him.

Being a victim of sexual child abuse, I'm not sure how to feel about this. I keep telling myself that it's wrong for me to continue to acknowledge him as my father. How could I? No matter how bad I want to turn my back on him, he is still my father, and I love him.

I asked the detective why my abusers are still walking the streets, but my dad is in jail for something he supposedly downloaded on his computer. He couldn't answer that. He also couldn't tell me why they aren't going after the sick fucks who put this porn on the internet.

I have a hard time believing he's a child molester. IF he was downloading the child porn, does it mean for sure that he could be a child molester? OR was it pure curiosity? I'm just trying to figure this out. I want to know why. WHY did he have that shit on his computer?

So now I'm just waiting for my father's face to be flashed all over the news and internet. For people to gossip and look at me like I'm some kind of freak for being his daughter. I refuse to talk about it with anyone. However, I wish I had someone to talk to, that could understand how I'm feeling about all of this, and who wouldn't judge me for loving my father.

I'm devastated.

Yada Yada Yada

I'm blinking too much. Which means my anxiety is high. Rubbing my eyes isn't helping, neither is the anxiety medication.

Maybe it's the extra work at work, or the second job, or the ex-asshole still calling, questioning and saying "tell me you haven't been with nobody else, do you SWEAR to God?". WTF. He can't seem to understand that it has nothing to do with anyone else. AND it's none of his busiwax.


Why is it, when you think you know what you want, and you get it, you don't really think you want it?

I meet a really sweet guy, who would probably do anything in the world for me. An attractive guy. And yet, I'm confused. I don't really know if I want to be with him. I'm pointing out all of his flaws and picking at little things to MYSELF. Like I am purposely trying NOT to like him. And then I'm asking myself WHY.

What is my problem?

I had a great Christmas, even though I didn't do much and I worked.

I decided to give the nice guy another chance. I explained to him what I didn't want. I also told him I need time. If he comes on too strong, that pushes me away. If he just relaxes, and goes with the flow, that will bring me closer.

He respects that.

We'll see...

Yep, met a nice guy and now it's over!

I'm already feeling smothered and he's already trying to move in! I told him I needed my space and that I have plans for the next few days. THEN he asked me what my problem was. He even asked me if I was bipolar.

That pretty much did it for me.

Maybe Santa will bring me peace for Christmas. If not, I'm going to punch him in his sack...