Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Who am I kidding..

I thought I was over it.

I feel so alone in this. So angry and alone. I'm having trouble being here, there, anywhere. I'm restless.

I feel dead inside.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


The miscarriage is complete. My hcg level is under five. It feels so final now. A lot of things feel so final lately.

The so called "relationship" I'm in totally confuses me. He said I am everything he's looking for and more, he doesn't want to see anyone else, he wants to try for another baby (if I want to), BUT he isn't ready to commit to a serious relationship. He isn't ready to put a "title" on it. He said he doesn't know what his problem is, but he "will come around".

I'm so confused. WTF does all of this mean?

AND should I walk away now? I can't handle a broken heart along with everything else.

I don't have it in me.

I'm beginning to not have feelings for anything at all..

Thursday, September 2, 2010

So Lost...

Just when you think things can't get any worse, God proves you wrong.

My period was five days late, but I thought I was going to start my cycle. I had all the premenstrual symptoms, but it never came. I took four pregnancy tests...all positive. I was shocked. Scared. Excited. The guy I've been seeing was excited as well.

I told nearly everyone. He told people too.

Saturday I went to the ER because I was having some cramping. They said I was early pregnant, around three weeks. They did some tests, everything was fine as long as I wasn't bleeding.

Monday morning I woke up bleeding. I went to the ER. The doctor said my hcg level had dropped from 40 to 8 and that I was miscarrying. He was very sorry. So was I. I never cried so hard in my life.

When the guy I've been seeing found out I was miscarrying, he was upset about it. He was looking forward to it, he wanted a boy. He left work early to be with me. He told me how sorry he was. He even said we could try for another baby. He has been very supportive. I really couldn't ask for a better man to have been pregnant by.

For the past few days, I've been going through the motions. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I've had a great support system, but sometimes I feel so alone in this. For years I've wanted to be a mother. I had pretty much given up because I never thought it would happen.

I just don't understand why God would let me get pregnant and then take it away from me. Maybe this is his way of bringing me and the guy closer, and to show me that yes, he (God) IS there, and that anything is possible. That's the way I'm trying to look at it or otherwise I'm going to shut down in complete sadness.

I've been through a lot, but this is the HARDEST thing I've had to endure.

Something in me has died in more ways than one. I will never be the same...