Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I'm okay.


Friday, October 24, 2008

God Help Me, I'm a Dumbass

Here it goes...

I (and some others because he refused to leave) threw his ass out of my apartment one night. I LET him sleep in my car. The next morning I felt sorry for him because he was cold and had no place to go. I let him come in.

He was only supposed to stay a few days until he could "find a place to go". It's been five.

He said he would stop drinking, he would go to AA, whatever I wanted him to do. He didn't want to be on the streets. That's what he said! I believed him. I thought he really meant it, I thought sleeping in the car opened an eye or two.

I was wrong.

He's been drunk for the past three days and wrecking my motherfuckin nerves! Last night he got pissed when I refused to take him to the liquor store. He started yelling at me and hit the dashboard of my car with his fist. To avoid the situation, I drove to the liquor store, where he purchased a pint of vodka and drank most of it. He kept me up half the night being a drunktard.

When he's drunk, I feel I have to walk on eggshells. I've even stopped smoking in my own apartment (which is ok, I needed to) because he doesn't smoke. He aggravates and scares my dog, I have to constantly tell him to leave my dog alone.

I feel like I can't be my own person around him. I've even found myself doing things, the way he wants it done, in my own home!

I have a code with my sister. If I text "H" it means he started his shit and I need her help. That is, if I can get to my phone. My neighbor also comes over and checks on me.

I want out of this. I want him out of my house. I don't know how to do it peacefully. I don't want to get anyone involved, and I don't want to have to call the police on him (he's on probation). But I know he isn't going out without a fight.

It's Friday, I should be happy the weekend is here...

the truth is, I don't even want to go home.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I can't blog what I've really been up to. I'm ashamed to admit it. I'm sure those of you that know me pretty well, already know what I've been up to. All I can say is that I'm doing what I have to do, to survive.

I can tolerate a lot. I know I don't have to, but I'm WEAK that way. I thought I could turn my back on the situation.

I was wrong...

Friday, October 17, 2008

Decisions Decisions

Should I...

go out and get drunk?

stay in bed and watch tv?

knock myself out with medication?



stay in all weekend, sleep, eat, ignore anyone and everyone and feel sorry for myself?

It doesn't look like I have a lot of options...

considering the mood I'm in.

I wish all of you a great weekend.

Friday, October 10, 2008

It Is Me

It's Friday. Yay! Before I know it, it will be Monday again. Ugh.

Some guy tried to pick me up at McDonald's. hahahaha

Who the hell picks up women at McDonald's?! Well, he did work there, which means he couldn't afford me...

He walked by me, gave me the up and down look, as I stood there waiting on my grilled chicken wrap. I got my food to go, went to the car, and he came out of the back door (he was so stalking me)...

McGuy: What's your name, pretty thing
Me: (I shouldn't have told him, but I did)
McGuy: You going back to work?
Me: yes
McGuy: Is your boyfriend at home? (WTF)
Me: No, he's at work
McGuy: Ah, you have a man...that's cool

He turned around and walked back in the door.


Even though he was a McGuy that cooked McFries...that attention felt good. For some reason guys try to pick me up at gas stations and restaurants. Maybe I should hang out at Ronald McDonald's more often...

or not.

Monday, October 6, 2008

For Pearl...

Due to my previous post, the fact that Joe (Pearl's ex) is soon to have crotch rot dick (thank you voodoo), and due to the fact that I'm tired of caring about anyone/anything because I'm ALWAYS getting shit on, this is now my theme song...


It's Over

I'm done with his ass.

Over the past month, I've been giving giving giving. He's been taking taking taking. It's ok, I let him. I'm the idiot.

I paid $300 to get him out of jail (probation violation). He PROMISED to pay me back and I've never seen a penny of it. I've sort of been sticking around to make sure he goes to his court date so I can get my bond money back, but after last night...fuck him. I hope his ass goes to jail.

He got drunk. His friends daughter texted me. He immediately accused me of screwing guys at work. He told me I was a piece of shit, I was a ho, and that he hoped I died on the way home, that it was over (you bet it is). I told him...

"I can't believe you are treating me like this after everything I've done for you".

He said "I've gotten more out of bitches than what little bit I've gotten out of you".

I left in tears.

I paid to get him out of jail, I've given him my last dollar, I've given him rides to see his son, I've bought him things. All because I wanted him to care about me, all because I no longer wanted to be alone. And the whole time...

he was using me.

He's a terrible person. I try to see the good in everyone, but there isn't any good in him. I keep wondering WHY he crossed MY path....

I'm a sucker.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Tell Me What YOU Think

I got an offer that I'm not sure about.

The guy that I'm seeing, his two (lesbian) friends, that I'm very fond of (No, Coyote...not THAT way) has asked me to move in with them. Everyone is kind of having it hard right now due to the economy crisis and it would benefit all of us. Especially me because I would be saving over $500.00 a month, I could get a decent car, I could go SHOPPING, and I'd have money in the bank.

They have a decent size house, I could have the basement to myself and keep my dog (my dog gets along with their dog). I think we would all get along fine.


The guy I'm seeing also lives there. I've been told no matter what happens with him, I'm there to stay. That's not really an issue for me. UNLESS I actually develop strong feelings for him, and know that shit won't work.

I'm also thinking how much I love my privacy. I will be losing most of that.


MONEY. I will have money to do things! And just maybe...

the Holidays won't be so sad and lonely this year.