A Bunch of Babble

Feeling bummed today.

For the past few weeks, church has been comparing the decades to the bible. People have really directed themselves away from love. There is so much violence in the world, it makes me sad.

Most people these days are about what they want. Then there are those who are just trying to get what they need. Love. Respect. Fun. Peace. Family. Happiness.

After church last Saturday, I actually walked out with tears in my eyes. It could have been lingering PMS, but whatever it was, it struck a cord in me.

Ass is drinking again. Working, but drinking. He gives me money. What he THINKS he should give me. Last week he gave me money and then blew the rest of his paycheck at the horse race track. His whole f'n paycheck! THEN asked to borrow $20 from me. Talk about irresponsible. I've got a big surprise for him, today I am giving him a bill. It is what is due...half of the what the bills are. If he doesn't like it, he can get the F out! It's pretty sad I have to work a second job because I can't depend on him. As I should. I shouldn't depend on anyone, but myself.

I'm so tired of being a good person. I let people take advantage of me way too often. Where is the line between a good person and a doormat?

I honestly don't know.

I started my second job. I enjoyed it. Nothing like working with a bunch of crazies. It's interesting and fun. I will learn a lot about people while working there.

A man came in for alcohol treatment. I could smell the alcohol on him a mile away. He couldn't fill out his paperwork because he couldn't see it very well. I went into the lobby and filled it out for him. When we got to the "your age" question, I looked at him and said "how old are you, 21?" He laughed and said "I wish I was 21 again". I tried to make him feel better about being there. I think it worked, I got a laugh out of him. THAT made me feel good. =)

I talked to my grandmother. She complained about my sister, and her kids. My sister doesn't talk to her, she doesn't call her, my niece doesn't have time for her, blah blah blah. Then she said "maybe I shouldn't have taken M away from your mom, if she would have had to grow up like YOU did, maybe she would know what it's like to have feelings".

I didn't respond. I'm not exactly sure how to take that. How would you take it?

Say What?!

For those of you who don't know, I have a bad habit. I smoke. I know all of the warnings, but once you become addicted to cigarettes, it's better than sex (and it lasts longer).

I've tried to quit. Ok, not really, but I did go a few days without. And let me tell ya, I wasn't happy. Now I'm forced to quit. Cigarettes are $5.35 a pack! They are going up again in April. Damn that Marlboro Man!

I refuse to pay that much money to kill myself.

Starting tomorrow (okay, probably MONDAY), I will stop smoking...

cold freakin turkey.

Man, I'm going to be bitchy.

The Bright Side

He's been sober for three weeks yesterday. He's a much better person sober. Which is expected. Yesterday, he wanted to drink. I told him he could go to AA, but he wasn't drinking in my home. He wouldn't go to AA, but he didn't drink either. I'm wondering what's going to happen when he starts getting paid.

I got a second job at a mental hospital. My family and friends say it's about time I go where I belong. I have to admit, I do find the mentally ill interesting. I will be working the switchboard and checking belongings that people drop off to their loved ones. The good thing, the pay is decent. It's after hours from my regular job and on weekends. The bad thing, they will only use me "as needed". They did tell me they would pull me in for other things as well, so I can get some hours. Whatever works. I have extra time to kill and I want MONEY!

Things are definitely better at home. I just hope it stays that way. I'm trying to think positive and better myself. I've even been going to church!

Bet ya didn't see that coming, did ya?