Happy Freakin New Year

Christmas was good this year.

Here's a few pictures from the work Christmas party...


Me and my coworker. I was too busy drinking my beer.


Yes, I was flirting. In my defense...I blame it on the beer!

Here's to looking at a better New Year...

*muah*

It's that time of year again. I would like to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! I don't know about you, but I'm just excited to be off work for 4 1/2 days. =)

Love to you all!

XOXO

Fa La La La Blah

I want to start out by thanking my friend, Mig. She sent me a wonderful Christmas package with a lot of makeup, an adorable dachshund figurine, and a cute Christmas tree! I don't know Mig that well. I know her through the wonderful world of blogging. It's nice to know, there are people out there who is as thoughtful as she is. Now THAT is what Christmas is about! Thank You, Mig. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

In other news, I've been feeling depressed. It's physical. I'm not sure why I'm depressed. There are a few things that are bothering me, but nothing major. The GUY is still living in my home. I do not believe he actually "wants" me for a relationship. I believe he wants someone to control. We do not sleep in the same bed(he won't sleep in bed with Harley), we don't have sex, he doesn't show much affection at all, unless he's drunk. When he's drunk, it's totally different. Oh how he loves me, blah blah.

He still accuses me of other men. He's jealous and possessive, which doesn't make sense to me. Like I said, there is no affection/sex there. Isn't that what people do in a relationship? Why is he so jealous, etc. when we aren't even sleeping together?

I am providing him a place to live. He's currently laid off from work and is soon to be drawing unemployment, but as of right now, he doesn't have any money. He says he has no place to go either. I can't get myself to kick him out during the Holidays, but seriously, this shit is getting old. He cleans, cooks, and bitches...daily. He has OCD (I'm not making this up, dammit!).

With lack of affection, sex, and all that crap, I can only feel that he is using me. Either that, or there is something wrong with me. No, I am attractive and caring. Pfft.

What the hell is the problem?

Maybe I'm the problem...

So much for the flu shot...

Monday morning I got to work at 8:00 A.M., by 9:00 A.M. I was vomiting. By noon I vomited many times in the trash can. By 12:30 I was on my way home with the stomach flu. Vomiting, cold chills, aches. Ugh.

What the hell did I get that shot for? Well, at least it didn't last long. I'm back at work today.

BEWARE: it is out there!

I think Jess gave it to me. I did visit her blog...

I'd like to beat someone with a turkey leg...

Let me start out by saying my morning has SUCKED.

I had an appointment this morning to get a flu shot. On my way to work, I pulled my back out AGAIN. This is the second time I've pulled my back out by doing NOTHING. I sat on the bed, felt my back catch. When I stood up, it was over. This is all due to my accidental fall down the steps in July.

They wanted to put me in the hospital for "pain management" today. Riiight. I had to go to work! Instead they injected steroids into my lower back and prescribed me pain medication. Good!

I get to work two hours later (doctors take forever). THEN I get yelled at by the boss for not calling him and letting him know I was going to be late (he's out of town). Ok. I see his point. However, I scheduled my 15 minute flu shot for my would be LUNCH hour today. The whole back thing...WASN'T PLANNED or LIED about. Did he listen to what I had to say? Nope.

Me and the other chick in the office gets docked for EVERYTHING. Half the time we don't take a lunch, we eat and work through lunch. IF we have doctor appointments, we have to request the time off. Even if it's during our so called lunch hour. BUT the MEN who work here, who are employees, can work one day a week on a job and get paid a whole week for it. They can go home because it's raining and GET PAID FOR IT. They can go home when they have nothing to do and GET PAID FOR IT. Granted, they have different positions, they work outside, but if you ask me, I think it's BULL.

Not doing anything Thanksgiving. Going to a restaurant and then going home. Yay me. But I can say, I do have things to be thankful for, even though it doesn't always feel that way.

I'm thankful for all of you!

Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Maybe Jay was right.

But maybe he doesn't understand. It's not easy to let go of my traumatizing childhood, it's not easy letting go of my hurtful marriage, it's not easy letting go of a lot of things.

I have come a long way. I went from hating myself, to liking myself.

Yeah, my posts are all the same. They are the same issues and feelings that I am dealing with, have been dealing with for a very long time. It's taking me a lifetime to get past, it seems.

If it was as easy to move forward as some people think, don't you think I would have done that by now?

It's not that I'm not trying. I am.

I just can't let myself get rid of the bad rubbish that enters my life. I want to. Believe me, I want to.

I'm not content this way.

Sometimes...

It's just easier to accept.

IM from an old friend...

you will never...ever....ever be happy because you dont want to be, for years you've been going on and on about how you hate your life, but you've never done anything to change it, you can blog and have everyone tell you over and over how happy you should be and how you are doing the right thing, but until you actually make some half-hearted attempt to bring happiness into your life, you will continue to be miserable

you are content to let shitty people into yer life and get stupid ass advice from friends who facilitate your monotony, people can tell you you are awesome, but until you do something to make yourself feel awesome, its all pointless

think back to when you first started blogging about three years ago...the posts you made then are the same posts you are still making today, to be honest i dont IM you much because you seem to comfortable with your pity and content not to move foward and it frustrates me, its taken me awhile to think about how to write this, but i dont want you to waste any more of your life than you already have by just treading water

HE'S JUST BEING HONEST. THE SAD PART IS...

HE'S RIGHT.

I thought being a good person, made you a better person, brought good things into your life, and got you into heaven.

I'm more forgiving of others than I am of myself.

Maybe I'm being selfish, but I just want something good to happen to me, something good to come into my life, just once.

Is that too much to ask?

I'm Here

I haven't got rid of the guy yet. I keep telling him "it's not working, I'm not happy". He refuses to listen. He changes for a day and then wakes up his same old self. I'm dealing with a fucking child.

The 15th I will be 31. That..makes..me..depressed. I'm getting older. I have grey hairs! Not enough to dye, but they are there. And my eggs? Well, let's just say the older I get, the more my ovaries hurt. My body is telling me "have a child", but that's never going to happen.

The holidays are coming up. Oh the joy. I don't have money for Christmas this year. Not unless I want to get a second job. I'm tired. My full time job is exhausting enough. I like to go home after work and do NOTHING. Fuck Christmas.


I miss my friends. Especially my hooker. The Bulb. =(

Love you, Hooker. Love you, Holly HOO...

Call me at work! It's toll free!!!

I'm okay.

=)

God Help Me, I'm a Dumbass

Here it goes...

I (and some others because he refused to leave) threw his ass out of my apartment one night. I LET him sleep in my car. The next morning I felt sorry for him because he was cold and had no place to go. I let him come in.

He was only supposed to stay a few days until he could "find a place to go". It's been five.

He said he would stop drinking, he would go to AA, whatever I wanted him to do. He didn't want to be on the streets. That's what he said! I believed him. I thought he really meant it, I thought sleeping in the car opened an eye or two.

I was wrong.

He's been drunk for the past three days and wrecking my motherfuckin nerves! Last night he got pissed when I refused to take him to the liquor store. He started yelling at me and hit the dashboard of my car with his fist. To avoid the situation, I drove to the liquor store, where he purchased a pint of vodka and drank most of it. He kept me up half the night being a drunktard.

When he's drunk, I feel I have to walk on eggshells. I've even stopped smoking in my own apartment (which is ok, I needed to) because he doesn't smoke. He aggravates and scares my dog, I have to constantly tell him to leave my dog alone.

I feel like I can't be my own person around him. I've even found myself doing things, the way he wants it done, in my own home!

I have a code with my sister. If I text "H" it means he started his shit and I need her help. That is, if I can get to my phone. My neighbor also comes over and checks on me.

I want out of this. I want him out of my house. I don't know how to do it peacefully. I don't want to get anyone involved, and I don't want to have to call the police on him (he's on probation). But I know he isn't going out without a fight.

It's Friday, I should be happy the weekend is here...

the truth is, I don't even want to go home.

I can't blog what I've really been up to. I'm ashamed to admit it. I'm sure those of you that know me pretty well, already know what I've been up to. All I can say is that I'm doing what I have to do, to survive.

I can tolerate a lot. I know I don't have to, but I'm WEAK that way. I thought I could turn my back on the situation.

I was wrong...

Decisions Decisions

Should I...

go out and get drunk?

stay in bed and watch tv?

knock myself out with medication?

pray?

cry?

stay in all weekend, sleep, eat, ignore anyone and everyone and feel sorry for myself?

It doesn't look like I have a lot of options...

considering the mood I'm in.

I wish all of you a great weekend.

It Is Me

It's Friday. Yay! Before I know it, it will be Monday again. Ugh.

Some guy tried to pick me up at McDonald's. hahahaha

Who the hell picks up women at McDonald's?! Well, he did work there, which means he couldn't afford me...

He walked by me, gave me the up and down look, as I stood there waiting on my grilled chicken wrap. I got my food to go, went to the car, and he came out of the back door (he was so stalking me)...

McGuy: What's your name, pretty thing
Me: (I shouldn't have told him, but I did)
McGuy: You going back to work?
Me: yes
McGuy: Is your boyfriend at home? (WTF)
Me: No, he's at work
McGuy: Ah, you have a man...that's cool

He turned around and walked back in the door.

OOOOOkay.

Even though he was a McGuy that cooked McFries...that attention felt good. For some reason guys try to pick me up at gas stations and restaurants. Maybe I should hang out at Ronald McDonald's more often...

or not.

For Pearl...

Due to my previous post, the fact that Joe (Pearl's ex) is soon to have crotch rot dick (thank you voodoo), and due to the fact that I'm tired of caring about anyone/anything because I'm ALWAYS getting shit on, this is now my theme song...



AND MY ATTITUDE!

It's Over

I'm done with his ass.

Over the past month, I've been giving giving giving. He's been taking taking taking. It's ok, I let him. I'm the idiot.

I paid $300 to get him out of jail (probation violation). He PROMISED to pay me back and I've never seen a penny of it. I've sort of been sticking around to make sure he goes to his court date so I can get my bond money back, but after last night...fuck him. I hope his ass goes to jail.

He got drunk. His friends daughter texted me. He immediately accused me of screwing guys at work. He told me I was a piece of shit, I was a ho, and that he hoped I died on the way home, that it was over (you bet it is). I told him...

"I can't believe you are treating me like this after everything I've done for you".

He said "I've gotten more out of bitches than what little bit I've gotten out of you".

I left in tears.

I paid to get him out of jail, I've given him my last dollar, I've given him rides to see his son, I've bought him things. All because I wanted him to care about me, all because I no longer wanted to be alone. And the whole time...

he was using me.

He's a terrible person. I try to see the good in everyone, but there isn't any good in him. I keep wondering WHY he crossed MY path....

I'm a sucker.

Tell Me What YOU Think

I got an offer that I'm not sure about.

The guy that I'm seeing, his two (lesbian) friends, that I'm very fond of (No, Coyote...not THAT way) has asked me to move in with them. Everyone is kind of having it hard right now due to the economy crisis and it would benefit all of us. Especially me because I would be saving over $500.00 a month, I could get a decent car, I could go SHOPPING, and I'd have money in the bank.

They have a decent size house, I could have the basement to myself and keep my dog (my dog gets along with their dog). I think we would all get along fine.

HOWEVER...

The guy I'm seeing also lives there. I've been told no matter what happens with him, I'm there to stay. That's not really an issue for me. UNLESS I actually develop strong feelings for him, and well..you know that shit won't work.

I'm also thinking how much I love my privacy. I will be losing most of that.

BUT....

MONEY. I will have money to do things! And just maybe...

the Holidays won't be so sad and lonely this year.

Pop a Pill to Deal

HOLLY SAID...

"Am missing you here, and wondering how you are"

I'm fucked up right now.

The guy I've been seeing is an ASS. He gets drunk every day, one minute he loves me, the next minute he's hateful. It's his way or no way. He's controlling. He's a liar. He's unstable...period.

Why do I put up with his shit?

Let's just say there is more to the story. I can't go in to it right now, but I will in due time.

COYOTE SAID...

"Find the trail to loving yourself, and then you can set the markers".

I found the trail, but it only went so far. There isn't anymore trail to find at this time.

I'm looking at myself from the outside...

only to be trapped on the inside.

I'm completely exhausted today. Hanging in there at work with only three more dreaded hours to go. I spent most of the night arguing with a drunk. A drunk who doesn't deserve me. A drunk that I am good to. Too good. All because I don't want to be alone.

Alone. Being alone has to be better than this. It's the human touch that keeps me putting up with this shit. I know most of you aren't going to understand. I don't understand it myself.

I think I've been so damaged in my life, that normal just doesn't exist for me. I'm tough, I can take crap. I'm used to not being loved. I don't think I even know what that is, what that truly feels like.

You can't miss something you've never had....

I just want to sleep.

Blah Blah Blah

The things we put up with so we don't have to be alone...

I've learned that no matter how important you feel to someone, or how important you may THINK you are to someone, you are just a moment. You are there to pass the time until something better comes along.

Friendship doesn't mean much these days. Me, I've always tried to be a loyal friend. I get fucked in the end. People leave me. I'm not important.

I lost my best friend to a romantic relationship. Someone who I always thought would be there. Someone who I thought was sincere. I thought I meant something to him, really meant something, only to find out...

I didn't mean much of anything.

God, it hurts.

Back in Business

My electric was fixed yesterday. It felt so nice to take a hot shower and shave my legs! You don't realize how important electricity is until you don't have it. What can I say...

I'm spoiled.

No Juice

Due to the hurricane, I've had no electricity since Sunday. I can't shower at home, I have no telephone, all my food in the fridge went bad, and I look like I've been camping. I haven't talked to Jess, but I'm pretty sure she's out of power too.

I'm working 45 minutes away, at another location that does have power.

They are saying it could be Sunday before we are up and running again. Please pray that we hookers get electricity ASAP!

This so sucks.

I could never be Amish...

9-11

Where was I that day? Working at the bank. I was talking to my ex on the phone when the second plane hit. His words...

"holy fuck, another plane just hit the building"

WHAT????

My grandma called me about thirty minutes before I was leaving work to tell me that my cousin's baby died(SIDS).

I went out for a smoke and cried.

I cried for my cousin, I cried for the world.

I Need to Vacate

Yesterday I was having sharp pains in my left arm (all day). A few chest pains last night, and an upset stomach this morning. I had an EKG a few weeks ago due to chest pain, the doctor believes it's stress and put me on some valium type medication. He wants me to have a treadmill test, but I haven't scheduled it. If the EKG came back fine, why do I need a treadmill test?

Yes, I'm stressed.

My job drives me crazy sometimes. The phone rings off the hook, everyone is demanding something, and I can't seem to do anything right lately.

I give people more chances than they deserve. Why? I don't want to be alone. Am I happy? Not really...

I'm occupied.

I found this interesting...

On Sept. 24, 1988, Mel Ignatow forced Schaefer, his girlfriend, to strip naked, tied her to the top of a GLASS COFFEE TABLE and then a bed, and sexually tortured her before killing her with chloroform -- later telling a judge "she died peacefully."

A Kenton County jury acquitted him of the murder in 1991, but a year later undeveloped film was found in a heating duct of a home Ignatow had owned. It showed him sexually abusing Schaefer, 36, on the night of her death.

Ignatow later confessed, but the legal doctrine of double jeopardy prevented the state from retrying him for murder.

He eventually served five years on a federal perjury charge, then was convicted in state court in December 2001 of being a persistent felon and of perjury for lying about his relationship with Schaefer. He was released from prison five years later.

MEL IGNATOW, THE POOR BASTARD, WAS FOUND DEAD IN HIS APARTMENT A FEW DAYS AGO...

Taylor said Ignatow's autopsy has been completed, but the cause of death is pending as she waits for more information, including a toxicology report, from the state medical examiner, which could take weeks.

Ignatow's son, Michael, said his father fell through a GLASS TABLE over the weekend and walked around various rooms, yet never called for help before apparently bleeding to death.

HEH

Reflecting

I'm sitting here today thinking about Jess and what she said on her blog. I'm having a problem with it, because as much as I don't want to admit it, she's right.

I'm personal. I let people in. And every time I get hurt. I have people who say they love me and doesn't show it. I have people who say "you have no idea what you mean to me" and completely shove me right out of their lives.

I'm so confused right now. I'm not happy with anything. Depression hit me last night in a big way. I feel lost in the world. I'm floating around waiting for someone to catch me, for me. Not for themselves.

I'd give the shirt off my back to just about anyone. I give homeless crackheads on the corner, money. Once I even gave a stranger a ride because it was raining. When he got in the car, I had a bad feeling about him, and couldn't wait to get him to his destination. I do stuff like that because I try to be a good person, I try to give everyone the benefit of a doubt.

I'm in so much pain. So much fucking pain. I just have a better way of dealing with it...

I have a better way of hiding it.

Let the lyrics do the talking...

Some Lyrics to Raining in Baltimore by Counting Crows

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat
I need a big love
I need a phone call

These train conversations are passing me by
And I dont have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way

I need a phone call
I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn
I need a raincoat

And I get no answers
And I dont get no change
Its raining in baltimore, baby
But everything else is the same

Theres things I remember and things I forget
I miss you I guess that I should
Three thousand five hundred miles away
But what would you change if you could?

I need a phone call

I need a phone call
I need a raincoat

HAVE A SAFE LABOR DAY WEEKEND ALL!

The Week Is Almost Over

I went to therapy this week.

My therapist asked me "why are you so hard on yourself".

That's a good question.

I cried my heart out that day. She told me she was sorry that I was in so much pain. We are going to work on my self criticism and self rejection. I'm going back next week. This time, I'm going to try to keep my appointments.

The boss is on vacation next week. Apparently me and the other girl in the office better be dead if we have to call in. I told him he better send flowers. heh

I'm going out this weekend with friends. I can't wait.

I've been talking to the marine guy, but I don't know. I think he has too much drama for my taste. I'm also beginning to wonder if he isn't married...

I'm a weirdo magnet.

Things that come to mind...

I say more than I should, especially on this blog

I'm honest

My honesty often turns into negativity

I do, but don't care what people think of me

I try not to judge anyone

I'm a listener

I say whatever is on my mind, at that moment

That moment sometimes gets me in to trouble

I believe in following my heart

Instead of following my heart, maybe I should protect it

I have so much love to give, but I can't give it to myself

I'm simply complicated

I have head worms...

and all of you ACCEPT me!

:XO

It's a bird, It's a plane, It's Super Hooker...

Now that I've decided to get a life, my next two weekends are booked. I will be doing the club scene. One night will even be with my best hooker, Jess. I'm ready to unleash, get drunk, flirt and get free drinks. And just MAYBE someone will catch my attention...

if that someone doesn't cooperate, I'll slip his ass a mickey.

Hooker has a plan. :D

BTW..went to the doctor today, I've lost ten pounds! Woot!

HOO if you are reading this, BRING YOUR MOTHERF'N BLOG BACK!

MIG, if you are reading this, give me the link to your blog. When I click on your name, it doesn't take me there.

:XO

Warning: This Post Will NOT Be Pretty

All of you are probably wondering "what in the hell is Sassy doing". If you are even reading this piece of shit blog because I keep deleting/creating it.

Well, to be honest...I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm so confused right now about how I feel, I'm trying not to deal with anything.

The past two weeks have been completely horrible for me. I'm stressed the fuck out and having chest pain because of it.

I've decided to say fuck it all. I'm tired of worrying about things I can't control, I'm tired of giving myself to people who don't deserve me, I'm tired of worrying about things I don't have, I'm tired of sitting in this motherfucking house like a hermit. I'm torturing myself. Not anymore. FUCK IT ALL. It's time to unleash. Maybe I'll even unleash the freak in me;)

It's time to realize all I have is ME.
It's time to stop giving a fuck.

The truth always comes out. It's one of those fundamental things of time. It will either set you free or ruin you....

we shall see.

I'm Back Because I F'n Need This Blog

Lyrics to Tear Away by Drowning Pool

I'm tearing away
Pieces are falling I can't seem to make them stay
You run away
Faster and faster you can't seem to get away
Break
Hope there's a reason
For questions unanswered I just don't see everything
Yes I'm inside you
Tell me how does it feel to feel like this
Just like I do
I don't care about anyone else but me
I don't care about anyone
Do I really want this
Sometimes I scare myself I just can't let it go
Can you believe it
Everything happens for reasons I just don't know
I don't care about anyone else but me
I don't care about anyone
I don't care about anyone else but me
I don't care about anyone or anything but me....


Angry music. That is so me right now.

I'm going through a lot right now, I feel like I can't breathe and I'm having trouble coping.

I won't be blogging for a while, if ever again...

there's nothing left to say.

Don't worry about me, I'll be okay.

Big Love to you all!

XOXO

Sassy