Thursday, September 2, 2010

So Lost...

Just when you think things can't get any worse, God proves you wrong.

My period was five days late, but I thought I was going to start my cycle. I had all the premenstrual symptoms, but it never came. I took four pregnancy tests...all positive. I was shocked. Scared. Excited. The guy I've been seeing was excited as well.

I told nearly everyone. He told people too.

Saturday I went to the ER because I was having some cramping. They said I was early pregnant, around three weeks. They did some tests, everything was fine as long as I wasn't bleeding.

Monday morning I woke up bleeding. I went to the ER. The doctor said my hcg level had dropped from 40 to 8 and that I was miscarrying. He was very sorry. So was I. I never cried so hard in my life.

When the guy I've been seeing found out I was miscarrying, he was upset about it. He was looking forward to it, he wanted a boy. He left work early to be with me. He told me how sorry he was. He even said we could try for another baby. He has been very supportive. I really couldn't ask for a better man to have been pregnant by.

For the past few days, I've been going through the motions. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I've had a great support system, but sometimes I feel so alone in this. For years I've wanted to be a mother. I had pretty much given up because I never thought it would happen.

I just don't understand why God would let me get pregnant and then take it away from me. Maybe this is his way of bringing me and the guy closer, and to show me that yes, he (God) IS there, and that anything is possible. That's the way I'm trying to look at it or otherwise I'm going to shut down in complete sadness.

I've been through a lot, but this is the HARDEST thing I've had to endure.

Something in me has died in more ways than one. I will never be the same...

ever.

10 comments:

Rain said...

I'm so sorry honey. If it helps I went through the same thing and then went on to have an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby. You would make a great mom. Maybe give your body some months of rest and consider trying again.

alan said...

I'm glad you found the right guy finally; next time keep a doctor in the loop and that way they can keep an eye on things. I've said so many times that I think you'd be a wonderful Mom; I have no doubt you will be!

Mine miscarried between me and my sister; she was born a year later and was just fine and Mom actually had an easier time with her than me. (I was 8-13; she was 5' and about 95 lbs...went into labor on Christmas Day in '55, I was born on the 29th...)

Hugs and much love coming your way!

alan

Mig said...

I am so glad to hear you have a good support system.

...and that your guy wants to try again? Now, that's saying something.

I am thinking of you and praying for you. I wish I could be there for you too.

XOHUGSXO

rivercat said...

it seems your faith is an asset. I wish you all the best sassy. My oldest sister of 3 went through this twice and now has 2 beautiful daughters, and she had the first at 42 or so. They look and like miniature angels until one of them gets cranky and turns into a miniature siomething else :)))

Lucy R said...

I'm sorry sassy, really I am. I might be havin a baby I don't know for sure. I'm scared. I'm glad that u found your prince charming. Be safe sassy.

zonedin said...

So sorry for this that you have had to endure. Perhaps it helped to wake you up to certain things inside and out, because sometimes we need a little jolt to make necessary change.

When this happened to me I found out the guy was not right and since I was so young I chose an abortion. I have never regretted my decision. I can understand the pain of having it taken from you when you were just getting excited about it and feeling things falling into place:~(

fineartist said...

I lost my first baby too. It sucks. My doctor explained to me that sometimes when the fetus has problems it will miscarry, doesn't make losing it any better though, I know. I'm so sorry hon. Love you, mom

Teacher Laila Chris said...

Try again! You will make it.
Lotsa love and blessings to your heart!

beckyboop said...

I'm so sorry Sassy and believe me when I say I understand. Hugs my sweet.

Anonymous said...

I come here to have a look !it is great and like it very much.


Ray Rice Jersey
Wes Welker Jersey
Rob Gronkowski Jersey