It's been a while...

My grandfather passed away on 10/11. He was sick for years, so he's in a much better place now. My mom didn't handle it very well, but that's expected. He was a very good man. He will be missed.

I got my very own nice office at work. AND thanks to another bonus the company gave me, I was able to buy a new (to me) car! It's super nice. It's also black, which I love.

I'm thinking about moving at the end of the month. I need an apartment (or house) that doesn't have dangerous steps to walk up and down. I've been having a lot of back problems (bulging disc) since falling down my apartment steps last year. It's painful and annoying. My lease is up in December. Time to move!

Other than the back problems, still working two jobs, and missing you guys...

LIFE IS IMPROVING!

:XO

I've been hiding in my apartment for a while. Trying to get my thoughts and feelings back together. That's a hard thing to do sometimes. Then you have people who don't understand why you need to be alone. It's so frustrating. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I shouldn't have my own thoughts and feelings used against me. A "friend" shouldn't do that to you.

Maybe I opened up too soon. I felt comfortable..or so I thought. I'm not so comfortable anymore, so I think I will just keep my mouth shut.

Today is the best day I've had in a while. I'm beginning to feel at peace again, at least for today. I wish I could say that every day, but the truth is, I am a person who has to take it one day at a time.

Peace

I had a dream.

I was on a bicycle, peddling as fast as I could, and going nowhere.

Things came to an end. A-hole got trashed and made a complete ass out of himself, not only to me, but to my neighbors and the COPS. He went to jail (in his boxers). My landlord banned him from the property. And I had my number changed. It needed to be done. The great thing about it, I didn't have to do anything. He did it all himself. Everyone else took it from there.

Tomorrow I will be making an appointment for some counseling.

I need to know why. Why did I take his abuse for so long? Why do I get these type of men who show me no respect, who use me and abuse me?

I'm currently low as low can get. On a scale of 1-10, my self esteem is a 2. I'm sad. Not because he's gone, but because he was a wasted year of my life. I so much wanted him to be someone I could be with. Someone I could love, someone that would love me in return. He's "fucked up" in a bad way. He's beyond help. I knew it too. I knew it, and I still TRIED.


I'm angry about a lot of things today. I'm mostly angry about men who use women, and the women who let that happen. I'm especially angry at myself.

I could really use a friend right now.

Wingin' It

Since my last post, my dad's world has completely fallen apart. The cops contacted him concerning the child porn that was on his computer. After four months (go figure). They wanted him to take a polygraph. He spoke with a lawyer, the lawyer advised him against it. For lots of reasons. So basically, he's going to remain silent. He got a DUI a couple of weeks ago and went to jail. He was suspended from work, and today they fired him. They fired him for getting arrested. He could have LIED about it, but no, he chose to tell the truth. Well, actually, I told to tell the truth because I had to call in for him that day. I thought honesty was always the best policy? I guess not.

He's living with a friend now, so I don't see him often. When I do talk to him, he talks about how he just feels like giving up and "blowing his brains out". Thanks for the mental picture, dad. I appreciate it.

As for me? Well, I'm still dealing with psycho. Well, not really dealing with him, mostly ignoring him or pretending he doesn't exist.

I made friends with two of my neighbors. It only took me two years, but what can I say, I stay to myself. Especially when it comes to neighbors. They actually thought I was stuck up. If anyone knows me at all, that is NOT my character.

I just found out my 19 yr old step-niece is pregnant. That totally bummed me out! The "kids" are having kids...before me!

I'm still working my second job. Very tiring, but the extra money is awesome to have. I have to work tomorrow 12:30-9:30. It's going to be one long day...

here's to the F'n weekend!

My posts don't have to make any sense...

The most important person turns out to be nothing of the sort.

I put people on pedestals. I go out of my way. When I should be putting myself on a pedestal. I've learned. I know what I want, but I don't go for it. I avoid or pretend it doesn't need to be. I choose not to deal with things these days. Maybe it's because I've had to deal with so much in the past?

Either way, I'm sort of numb. I don't let things bother me like I used to. That is a very good thing.

I seem to fall for men who can't/won't/don't want to love me. And that is okay. Because they don't deserve me. I'm pretty awesome. I owe a lot of my awesomeness to you guys!

Have a fantastic weekend! And if you see a snake...

chop it's freakin head off!

It's sad when you spend a lot of years with someone and you find out they SUCK.

Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this, but it's on my mind. My Hooker is moving away. She's doing what's best for her and the kids. She's totally unhappy, and has been for a very long time. She doesn't have a supportive husband and most of the time he's as ASS. She can better herself with him out of the picture. He's holding her back. She's strong. One of the strongest women I know. She will do just fine. I know this, but I worry. I hope she can have the life she deserves. I also hope she finds the love that she deserves.

It makes me sad that she has to go through this. I wish there was something I could do for her. I don't feel like I've been a very good friend. She's always been there for me, but I don't feel like I've returned the favor. So I totally SUCK.

Life. It keeps changing. People come and go in my life. Important people. People who made an impact on my heart. It's easy for me to make friends, but hard for me to get close to people.

Maybe that's why I stick with the "dysfunctional"...

So I won't get hurt.