I don't want to hurt anymore.

Nobody is perfect.

Perfect isn't who I am. It's not who I want to be. Maybe I just want to be somewhat perfect to someone else.

Not perfect...special.

I don't feel pretty enough. Skinny enough. Smart enough. I point out all of my flaws to myself and I think, how could someone else not notice them? How could someone else love me with them?

I just can't seem to find the answers within myself. I'm always seeking somewhere else.

Not Now

I don't know if I'm sad or angry.

My best Hooker (Jess) is losing her MIL. They aren't giving her much longer before she passes away. Please, stop by Jess's blog and say something to make her smile, or crap her pants. Whichever. She will be glad to hear from you. I love Jess. When she hurts, I hurt.

The guy. Did I mention that he makes me feel beautiful? Well, he does. There are some other things that are going with him. It's a long story, but he's having some health issues. I'm pretty sure they are testing him for liver cancer. I'm completely freaked out. I'm just trying not to show it.

Today is one of those days when I question the higher power. I know I shouldn't, but I really just don't understand.

I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!

It's All Good

Every time I see him, we seem to get a little closer...

He said: Thank you

Me: For what?

He said: For being you.

I think that is the best compliment anyone can get. He reminds me of someone I used to know.

I never thought I'd find that level with another person again.

BUT...

maybe I have.

At least I hope so.

Building

I had that one person I could tell anything to. ANYTHING, without judgement. I could talk to that person and know that when the conversation was over, I'd feel better. Everyone needs that kind of someone in their life.

Last night I cried myself to sleep for various reasons. It's what we, as human beings (well, at least women) do. The more I cried, the more angry I became. I WANTED, NEEDED that "kind of someone" so badly to talk with. That "kind of someone" is no longer in my life. They left me. I feel abandoned.

Today I realized that maybe I depended too much on that person. Maybe they felt it too.

The new person in my life (maybe), we are taking things slow. We are "building" (his words). Building what exactly? A friendship, a relationship, a cult? It doesn't really matter as long as we are building something.

With the douche bags I've dated, to be honest, there was something safe about it. I knew that I could never fall in love with them. I may have been broken in other ways, but my heart was safe. And I stayed. Now, I've found someone I could probably "build" something with. I could fall in love with him. And I feel myself pulling away because I am nothing, but a big CHICKEN SHIT.

I'm afraid to give it a chance.

I'm afraid not to.

Update

I missed two days of work this week. I got worse with the UTI. My blood pressure went up for some reason. I was in the hospital. I'm back at work today. It's all good. AND...

I found out that he is "into" me.

It's a good thing, too. I DO have a voodoo doll with his name on it!

Mwahaha

On my mind..

About four months ago, I found a lump in my right side. It's bigger now.

Guess I will make a doctor's appointment. It's probably nothing, but I have to take care of myself.


Will keep you posted!