Wingin' It

Since my last post, my dad's world has completely fallen apart. The cops contacted him concerning the child porn that was on his computer. After four months (go figure). They wanted him to take a polygraph. He spoke with a lawyer, the lawyer advised him against it. For lots of reasons. So basically, he's going to remain silent. He got a DUI a couple of weeks ago and went to jail. He was suspended from work, and today they fired him. They fired him for getting arrested. He could have LIED about it, but no, he chose to tell the truth. Well, actually, I told to tell the truth because I had to call in for him that day. I thought honesty was always the best policy? I guess not.

He's living with a friend now, so I don't see him often. When I do talk to him, he talks about how he just feels like giving up and "blowing his brains out". Thanks for the mental picture, dad. I appreciate it.

As for me? Well, I'm still dealing with psycho. Well, not really dealing with him, mostly ignoring him or pretending he doesn't exist.

I made friends with two of my neighbors. It only took me two years, but what can I say, I stay to myself. Especially when it comes to neighbors. They actually thought I was stuck up. If anyone knows me at all, that is NOT my character.

I just found out my 19 yr old step-niece is pregnant. That totally bummed me out! The "kids" are having kids...before me!

I'm still working my second job. Very tiring, but the extra money is awesome to have. I have to work tomorrow 12:30-9:30. It's going to be one long day...

here's to the F'n weekend!

My posts don't have to make any sense...

The most important person turns out to be nothing of the sort.

I put people on pedestals. I go out of my way. When I should be putting myself on a pedestal. I've learned. I know what I want, but I don't go for it. I avoid or pretend it doesn't need to be. I choose not to deal with things these days. Maybe it's because I've had to deal with so much in the past?

Either way, I'm sort of numb. I don't let things bother me like I used to. That is a very good thing.

I seem to fall for men who can't/won't/don't want to love me. And that is okay. Because they don't deserve me. I'm pretty awesome. I owe a lot of my awesomeness to you guys!

Have a fantastic weekend! And if you see a snake...

chop it's freakin head off!

It's sad when you spend a lot of years with someone and you find out they SUCK.

Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this, but it's on my mind. My Hooker is moving away. She's doing what's best for her and the kids. She's totally unhappy, and has been for a very long time. She doesn't have a supportive husband and most of the time he's as ASS. She can better herself with him out of the picture. He's holding her back. She's strong. One of the strongest women I know. She will do just fine. I know this, but I worry. I hope she can have the life she deserves. I also hope she finds the love that she deserves.

It makes me sad that she has to go through this. I wish there was something I could do for her. I don't feel like I've been a very good friend. She's always been there for me, but I don't feel like I've returned the favor. So I totally SUCK.

Life. It keeps changing. People come and go in my life. Important people. People who made an impact on my heart. It's easy for me to make friends, but hard for me to get close to people.

Maybe that's why I stick with the "dysfunctional"...

So I won't get hurt.

Good news. The catscan came back fine, they found no cat. It still doesn't explain my stomach issues, but whatever.

I got a good bonus from work. Yay me!

Bad news. My health insurance is going up. Damn it, man! Oh well, at least I have health insurance.

I'm trying to stay positive about life and crap.

Thinking about renting a house...

Update

I didn't exactly have the catscan on Friday. I overslept and didn't make it. I did have it today. And it sucked! That stuff they make you drink tastes like ASS. Not that I know what ass tastes like, but I can just imagine. Then they give you dye that makes you feel like you are peeing all over yourself.

I should get the results in a few days. I guess.

As soon as I know, you will know! I'm sure everything is fine, it's probably my lack of gallbladder and well, I did have sex with an alien once.

*muah*

Suck It

Have I learned anything? Am I even capable of learning? Is it my heart or my head that gets in the way of my learning? Or is it fear? And fear of what? I've been through worse and made it. I survived.

I'm ashamed to admit I let him come back after last time. But I did. And once again, I kicked his out. It was over a week ago. He went to jail for PI/disorderly conduct. And I got rid of his shit. He called me when he got out of jail (the next day). I ended up dropping him off at a bar, where he found someone to go home with. He moved in with her.

How did I react to that?

Well, I was hurt. Of course.

He gave me the story that I put his crap out, so basically it was my fault. And he couldn't sleep on the streets! He had a good girl now, don't you know. He found himself some good ole white trash. So I've heard. Then again, what do I expect from someone who lets a man move in with them after one night? What did I expect from him? Nothing. He's a drunken/user/abuser. She means nothing to him. She's just a place to live and a place to drink booze. Just as I was.

I ended it on good terms. I told him I would pray for him. That I was still a friend. I screwed up yesterday when I asked him if he missed me.

He called me today. Telling me how much he misses me and that he really wants to come "home". And you know, if it wasn't for the fact he's been up in someone else, I'd probably be stupid and take him back once again. Why? Because I'm that f'n lonely. Or desperate. However you want to see it.

I can't stomach the thought of him. To think that he went home with a complete stranger, surely slept with her, and moved on in like I hadn't even existed. He couldn't be a real man, no. He had to find another sucker to leach on to.

And I'm the biggest sucker of them all.

I'm holding back the tears at work and I feel like I could explode at any time.

I'm so tired. Working two jobs is wearing me out, but I need the money. Stress is taking a toll on me physically. I'm lonely. So very lonely. I miss having friends. I miss having "someone".

I have to have a catscan Friday. Pray for good results!

Love and miss you guys!