Pop a Pill to Deal

HOLLY SAID...

"Am missing you here, and wondering how you are"

I'm fucked up right now.

The guy I've been seeing is an ASS. He gets drunk every day, one minute he loves me, the next minute he's hateful. It's his way or no way. He's controlling. He's a liar. He's unstable...period.

Why do I put up with his shit?

Let's just say there is more to the story. I can't go in to it right now, but I will in due time.

COYOTE SAID...

"Find the trail to loving yourself, and then you can set the markers".

I found the trail, but it only went so far. There isn't anymore trail to find at this time.

I'm looking at myself from the outside...

only to be trapped on the inside.

I'm completely exhausted today. Hanging in there at work with only three more dreaded hours to go. I spent most of the night arguing with a drunk. A drunk who doesn't deserve me. A drunk that I am good to. Too good. All because I don't want to be alone.

Alone. Being alone has to be better than this. It's the human touch that keeps me putting up with this shit. I know most of you aren't going to understand. I don't understand it myself.

I think I've been so damaged in my life, that normal just doesn't exist for me. I'm tough, I can take crap. I'm used to not being loved. I don't think I even know what that is, what that truly feels like.

You can't miss something you've never had....

I just want to sleep.

Blah Blah Blah

The things we put up with so we don't have to be alone...

I've learned that no matter how important you feel to someone, or how important you may THINK you are to someone, you are just a moment. You are there to pass the time until something better comes along.

Friendship doesn't mean much these days. Me, I've always tried to be a loyal friend. I get fucked in the end. People leave me. I'm not important.

I lost my best friend to a romantic relationship. Someone who I always thought would be there. Someone who I thought was sincere. I thought I meant something to him, really meant something, only to find out...

I didn't mean much of anything.

God, it hurts.

Back in Business

My electric was fixed yesterday. It felt so nice to take a hot shower and shave my legs! You don't realize how important electricity is until you don't have it. What can I say...

I'm spoiled.

No Juice

Due to the hurricane, I've had no electricity since Sunday. I can't shower at home, I have no telephone, all my food in the fridge went bad, and I look like I've been camping. I haven't talked to Jess, but I'm pretty sure she's out of power too.

I'm working 45 minutes away, at another location that does have power.

They are saying it could be Sunday before we are up and running again. Please pray that we hookers get electricity ASAP!

This so sucks.

I could never be Amish...

9-11

Where was I that day? Working at the bank. I was talking to my ex on the phone when the second plane hit. His words...

"holy fuck, another plane just hit the building"

WHAT????

My grandma called me about thirty minutes before I was leaving work to tell me that my cousin's baby died(SIDS).

I went out for a smoke and cried.

I cried for my cousin, I cried for the world.

I Need to Vacate

Yesterday I was having sharp pains in my left arm (all day). A few chest pains last night, and an upset stomach this morning. I had an EKG a few weeks ago due to chest pain, the doctor believes it's stress and put me on some valium type medication. He wants me to have a treadmill test, but I haven't scheduled it. If the EKG came back fine, why do I need a treadmill test?

Yes, I'm stressed.

My job drives me crazy sometimes. The phone rings off the hook, everyone is demanding something, and I can't seem to do anything right lately.

I give people more chances than they deserve. Why? I don't want to be alone. Am I happy? Not really...

I'm occupied.