I want it so badly
somebody other than me
staring back at me...

The weekend is here. As much as I want to do something, there isn't much to do. I don't like the bar scene, but right now, that is an option.

I get so tired of just spending time with ME.

I've decided that my "Prince Charming" isn't going to find me. I think his horse died, along with his GPS.

Guess I'll settle for Mr. Budlight!

:/

I talked to a professional/wise man about my father. He told me that I wouldn't believe the things people have on their computers. He also said that he believes if my dad was into "children", he would have had thousands of pictures and downloaded movies, not just a few. I agree with him, but I still can't help to wonder what the hell it was all about. If I ever have a child, I wouldn't leave it alone with my father. Only because all of this puts a red flag in the back of my mind.


My father is getting out of jail soon. They are giving him three years of probation, no access to internet, and he has to be a registered sex offender for a while. No prison time. I'm glad he isn't going to prison. However, I will be in my own prison. He has no place to go. He has to start all over again. I'm his only daughter. You see where this is going. I DO NOT want to deal with any of it! I shouldn't have to.

When it comes to my parents, I'm screaming inside. SCREAMING!

Good thing I have an appointment for a massage tomorrow. Oh shit, please don't tell me I have to get naked for this...

What?

Most of us have morals. We know what we should and shouldn't do. We also do things that make us feel guilty, but still do it, because in the long run...it's all about SURVIVAL.

None of us truly follow our hearts. We go with whatever is comfortable and hope that will make us happy. Then we find out we still aren't happy, but what we really want isn't worth going for. Fear stands in the way.

Sometimes it's better to have something, than nothing at all. Even if that something makes you miserable. Sounds crazy, but it's true. Trust me, I know.

People get so used to the daily routine, it all becomes "I feel stuck in a rut". Life is going nowhere. It's at a boring standstill.

That's me. At a standstill. It's all followed by stressful outbursts!

At least that's what I'm calling it.

Just this week..

One of my best friends found out her mother-n-law has cancer. A friend of my dad's shot and killed himself. A 19 year old girl from my hometown was crushed to pieces in a car accident.

Before all of that, I was feeling sorry for myself.

Today...I'm the lucky one.

WE ARE NEVER PROMISED TOMORROW.

I'm at work tonight. I'm watching everyone come and go with their addiction problems, realizing my own issues.

I miss my dad. Even though he wasn't much of a father, I miss him. It hurts that he's in jail, facing those kind of charges. Deep down, I think I know the truth. I'm just in denial.

I feel so alone these days. I blog to breathe. And sometimes I still can't breathe. There are many times that I write, delete.

Tonight I will go home to a dark, silent house. I will have my crying session. Tomorrow I will be better.

At least I have my Harley. Who I forgot to leave a light on for..

shit.

Thoughts for the day..

I'm beginning to think being a good person is a sign of weakness. Especially when it's the A-Holes that come out on top.

Sometimes I wish I could move away, change my identity. Maybe become a selfish bitch. Be a person that I'm not. Be fake. See how far that gets me.

Why do I want someone I can't have? Why can't something be done about that?

I can't decide if I want to buy myself a new digital camera or a HD TV for my bedroom. Or both. Nah. How about a laptop? No. Nobody is online anymore.

I must take my dog to the vet for the usual. Man, he's going to hate me.

Does anyone really read this shit?