Just this week..

One of my best friends found out her mother-n-law has cancer. A friend of my dad's shot and killed himself. A 19 year old girl from my hometown was crushed to pieces in a car accident.

Before all of that, I was feeling sorry for myself.

Today...I'm the lucky one.

WE ARE NEVER PROMISED TOMORROW.

I'm at work tonight. I'm watching everyone come and go with their addiction problems, realizing my own issues.

I miss my dad. Even though he wasn't much of a father, I miss him. It hurts that he's in jail, facing those kind of charges. Deep down, I think I know the truth. I'm just in denial.

I feel so alone these days. I blog to breathe. And sometimes I still can't breathe. There are many times that I write, delete.

Tonight I will go home to a dark, silent house. I will have my crying session. Tomorrow I will be better.

At least I have my Harley. Who I forgot to leave a light on for..

shit.

Thoughts for the day..

I'm beginning to think being a good person is a sign of weakness. Especially when it's the A-Holes that come out on top.

Sometimes I wish I could move away, change my identity. Maybe become a selfish bitch. Be a person that I'm not. Be fake. See how far that gets me.

Why do I want someone I can't have? Why can't something be done about that?

I can't decide if I want to buy myself a new digital camera or a HD TV for my bedroom. Or both. Nah. How about a laptop? No. Nobody is online anymore.

I must take my dog to the vet for the usual. Man, he's going to hate me.

Does anyone really read this shit?

It's easy to lose faith.

It's easy to lose hope.

For every what I wanted to be moment, or for that one being that gave me some kind of hope, for something, anything...

failed me.

This has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with me.

I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I just am.

I watched my niece (by friendship) last weekend. She told me a girl at school was making fun of her for not wearing a bra. I explained to her that it wasn't polite for this girl to make fun of her, and that it wasn't any one's business. Then we talked about her wearing a bra, since she is 11 years old and starting to develop. The conversation went a little something like this...

ME: Well, honey, you are 11 years old now. Maybe we should buy you a bra.

HER: I don't have to wear a bra, I'm not giving birth.

ME: Who told you that? Your mom? (I could see my friend telling her that!)

HER: No, I came up with that all on my own.

LMAO!

I told her that I wasn't giving birth, but I still had to wear a bra. We ended up at Walmart, she ended up with a cute little pink bra that she absolutely loved!

I just had to share that story. I never laughed so hard in my life.

Tomorrow my niece will be 17 years old. My other niece (by marriage) is having a baby girl. She's due next month. My nephew will be 12 next week.

As for me, I will have another dried up egg...

GAH!

Where has the time gone?

Doing fine.

Dad is still in jail, doesn't go back to court until May. This is going to be one..long..hard..process.

Ready for the weekend! Even though I'm just babysitting for a friend. Don't worry, she's 11 years old, it won't be that hard...

OR WILL IT?

Be back soon!

I got moved. I love the house, but I'm totally exhausted. It's bringing me down.

Things I have the blues about..

Going to the jail three times a week. Once to put money on dad's books, twice to see him for 15 minutes, through a tv screen and telephone.

Dumping the guy I've only been seeing for a short while. He's in the same category as the last one. He's jobless and has a drinking problem.

Missing old friends. It's so weird how things change, people come and go. I don't like it.

Working this weekend and next. It's hard having a vagina and trying to make it totally on your own in this world.

Feeling...OLDER. Feeling...TIRED. Feeling...FED UP.