It's easy to lose faith.
It's easy to lose hope.
For every what I wanted to be moment, or for that one being that gave me some kind of hope, for something, anything...
failed me.
This has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with me.
I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I just am.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
I watched my niece (by friendship) last weekend. She told me a girl at school was making fun of her for not wearing a bra. I explained to her that it wasn't polite for this girl to make fun of her, and that it wasn't any one's business. Then we talked about her wearing a bra, since she is 11 years old and starting to develop. The conversation went a little something like this...
ME: Well, honey, you are 11 years old now. Maybe we should buy you a bra.
HER: I don't have to wear a bra, I'm not giving birth.
ME: Who told you that? Your mom? (I could see my friend telling her that!)
HER: No, I came up with that all on my own.
LMAO!
I told her that I wasn't giving birth, but I still had to wear a bra. We ended up at Walmart, she ended up with a cute little pink bra that she absolutely loved!
I just had to share that story. I never laughed so hard in my life.
Tomorrow my niece will be 17 years old. My other niece (by marriage) is having a baby girl. She's due next month. My nephew will be 12 next week.
As for me, I will have another dried up egg...
GAH!
Where has the time gone?
ME: Well, honey, you are 11 years old now. Maybe we should buy you a bra.
HER: I don't have to wear a bra, I'm not giving birth.
ME: Who told you that? Your mom? (I could see my friend telling her that!)
HER: No, I came up with that all on my own.
LMAO!
I told her that I wasn't giving birth, but I still had to wear a bra. We ended up at Walmart, she ended up with a cute little pink bra that she absolutely loved!
I just had to share that story. I never laughed so hard in my life.
Tomorrow my niece will be 17 years old. My other niece (by marriage) is having a baby girl. She's due next month. My nephew will be 12 next week.
As for me, I will have another dried up egg...
GAH!
Where has the time gone?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I got moved. I love the house, but I'm totally exhausted. It's bringing me down.
Things I have the blues about..
Going to the jail three times a week. Once to put money on dad's books, twice to see him for 15 minutes, through a tv screen and telephone.
Dumping the guy I've only been seeing for a short while. He's in the same category as the last one. He's jobless and has a drinking problem.
Missing old friends. It's so weird how things change, people come and go. I don't like it.
Working this weekend and next. It's hard having a vagina and trying to make it totally on your own in this world.
Feeling...OLDER. Feeling...TIRED. Feeling...FED UP.
Things I have the blues about..
Going to the jail three times a week. Once to put money on dad's books, twice to see him for 15 minutes, through a tv screen and telephone.
Dumping the guy I've only been seeing for a short while. He's in the same category as the last one. He's jobless and has a drinking problem.
Missing old friends. It's so weird how things change, people come and go. I don't like it.
Working this weekend and next. It's hard having a vagina and trying to make it totally on your own in this world.
Feeling...OLDER. Feeling...TIRED. Feeling...FED UP.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I AM MOVING!
A two bedroom house, with hard wood floors, washer and dryer hook up, an attic for storage, and a fenced in back yard for my furry child, the dog.
It's going to be more expensive, I have more utilities to pay. However, I will have peace and quiet, central air, no more dreaded steps that almost caused me to DIE, and goodbye laundry mat! I'm trying to be moved by February 1st. Wish me luck on that. I hate moving.
That's what's going on with me. What the hell is going on with you? NOBODY blogs anymore!
A two bedroom house, with hard wood floors, washer and dryer hook up, an attic for storage, and a fenced in back yard for my furry child, the dog.
It's going to be more expensive, I have more utilities to pay. However, I will have peace and quiet, central air, no more dreaded steps that almost caused me to DIE, and goodbye laundry mat! I'm trying to be moved by February 1st. Wish me luck on that. I hate moving.
That's what's going on with me. What the hell is going on with you? NOBODY blogs anymore!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
It Hurts
Dad is facing 5-29 years in prison. Tuesday they talked about dad on the news, it was also in the paper and on the internet. I was completely fucked up. I couldn't face the world yesterday, I called in to work. I pretty much slept all day. I haven't been sleeping since he got arrested.
I guess I might as well face it, I'm going to lose my dad. In more ways than one. Nothing will ever be the same.
The guy I've been seeing is pressuring me into feelings I just don't have for him right now. I don't think I CAN feel anything at the moment. He doesn't get it. I don't know how much longer I will continue to see him.
For once in my life, I was beginning to feel normal...
not anymore.
I guess I might as well face it, I'm going to lose my dad. In more ways than one. Nothing will ever be the same.
The guy I've been seeing is pressuring me into feelings I just don't have for him right now. I don't think I CAN feel anything at the moment. He doesn't get it. I don't know how much longer I will continue to see him.
For once in my life, I was beginning to feel normal...
not anymore.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
God Help Me
My dad was arrested on Monday for seven counts of possession of child pornography. He's being charged with a D Felony and a C Felony.
His bond is $10,000.00 cash.
He's looking at 3-12 years in prison.
My dad has NEVER hurt me or anyone else to my knowledge. Out of the two parents, he was the only one who ever showed me any kind of love. He really wasn't a dad when I was growing up. He was a drunk. And he wasn't around, but at least I have some kind of relationship with him that I don't have with my mother. He has been there a lot more than she has. And now, I'm going to lose him.
Being a victim of sexual child abuse, I'm not sure how to feel about this. I keep telling myself that it's wrong for me to continue to acknowledge him as my father. How could I? No matter how bad I want to turn my back on him, he is still my father, and I love him.
I asked the detective why my abusers are still walking the streets, but my dad is in jail for something he supposedly downloaded on his computer. He couldn't answer that. He also couldn't tell me why they aren't going after the sick fucks who put this porn on the internet.
I have a hard time believing he's a child molester. IF he was downloading the child porn, does it mean for sure that he could be a child molester? OR was it pure curiosity? I'm just trying to figure this out. I want to know why. WHY did he have that shit on his computer?
So now I'm just waiting for my father's face to be flashed all over the news and internet. For people to gossip and look at me like I'm some kind of freak for being his daughter. I refuse to talk about it with anyone. However, I wish I had someone to talk to, that could understand how I'm feeling about all of this, and who wouldn't judge me for loving my father.
I'm devastated.
His bond is $10,000.00 cash.
He's looking at 3-12 years in prison.
My dad has NEVER hurt me or anyone else to my knowledge. Out of the two parents, he was the only one who ever showed me any kind of love. He really wasn't a dad when I was growing up. He was a drunk. And he wasn't around, but at least I have some kind of relationship with him that I don't have with my mother. He has been there a lot more than she has. And now, I'm going to lose him.
Being a victim of sexual child abuse, I'm not sure how to feel about this. I keep telling myself that it's wrong for me to continue to acknowledge him as my father. How could I? No matter how bad I want to turn my back on him, he is still my father, and I love him.
I asked the detective why my abusers are still walking the streets, but my dad is in jail for something he supposedly downloaded on his computer. He couldn't answer that. He also couldn't tell me why they aren't going after the sick fucks who put this porn on the internet.
I have a hard time believing he's a child molester. IF he was downloading the child porn, does it mean for sure that he could be a child molester? OR was it pure curiosity? I'm just trying to figure this out. I want to know why. WHY did he have that shit on his computer?
So now I'm just waiting for my father's face to be flashed all over the news and internet. For people to gossip and look at me like I'm some kind of freak for being his daughter. I refuse to talk about it with anyone. However, I wish I had someone to talk to, that could understand how I'm feeling about all of this, and who wouldn't judge me for loving my father.
I'm devastated.
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