A New Me

I've missed all of you. It's been such a long time. I look back at this blog and I am a totally different person. I can't believe how much my life has changed, I've changed.


I found THE ONE. Yes, he existed. I've been with him for two years. A wonderful man who thinks of ME, thinks of my feelings. He makes me smile, laugh. For the first time ever, I feel truly loved. AND I have a baby. A baby boy. He's ten months old. He is the most amazing little guy. I can't believe he came out of me!


My days consist of working part time and spending time with my family.


I cannot tell you the last time I felt sad. I cannot tell you the last time I cried.


I'm positive.


I'm HAPPY!!


And I'm so happy to be back...

Climbing Out

I'm feeling better these days. I got a new job. The job is less stressful. And I'm only making twenty six cents less on the hour than my old job. I also have more benefits.

Pretty soon I am going to be getting my own place again. This time I am not depending on anyone, but ME. And I will not be letting anyone move in with me either.

My heart still breaks sometimes over the baby. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I keep hoping that God was showing me that one day I will be a mother. He just didn't think it was the right time or with the right person. I still talk to that person, but I haven't seen him in weeks. It's best this way. I deserve much more than he is willing to give. It's his loss. Like they say, I may not be a first choice, but I'm a great choice.

I'm working on getting myself together again. I've been going to church occasionally. I've been doing a lot of praying as well. I seriously have God to thank for my strength...

I don't think I could do it without him.

Miss you all!

I Give Up

For those of you who read my blog: I will probably be MIA for a while.

Dec. 31st is my last day at work so I won't have internet access.

I'm being "let go" due to my emotional/personal (and lack of major help in my department) problems. The stressful job has become too much for me and according to my boss (who disrespects and doesn't like me) the department isn't being ran right and my head/emotions have been "all over the place". I can agree with that part, but I tried.

Go me! I so rock! :/

I love all of you. You have been so supportive. I will miss you dearly. I will check in when I can and update as well.

Have a blessed Christmas.

XOXO

It Truly Hurts

It truly hurts to find out that you were nothing. Nothing but a fling to him. After everything. After getting pregnant and losing that life. That life that was inside of me.

That life that once gave me so much hope...

Cheers

On Monday I will be 33 years old. I have an issue with getting older. I feel like everyone is passing me by. I have nobody to share my life with, no children of my own to love, and no place to call home. However, I do have my health and a job. For that I am thankful.

My friend bought me a ring. The ring says "Nothing is impossible". She wants me to remember that. I need to remember that. I've lost faith in all possibilities for myself.

I'm trying. Trying to climb out of this dark hole I'm in. I wish someone would throw me some rope. So I can either climb out or hang myself.

I think I need a drink..

I moved in with a friend so that life would be "more affordable". So far it hasn't been that way. I've lost my way to be me as well.

Every day I go to work. Every day I want to blend in with the office furniture. I work in the complaint department. Along with my disrespecting boss and realizing that if I had a penis, I'd be better off in the company. I dislike my job more and more.

I got pregnant (and lost the baby) by a man who says "let's take things slow..we are building..let things happen"...to.."I don't want to be in a serious relationship right now..I don't know what I want..I thought we were having fun...to everything is going to be alright". Did I mention he took me to meet his parents? AND he said that his mother told him I was a keeper? Why did he even tell me that?

I feel so...empty.

The sadness is different this time. I can't explain it, but I feel it. It's much deeper.

Nothing is what it seems. People always leave in the end. We are all in our own prison. We are all alone.

Hope is nothing...

but hope.

Who am I kidding..

I thought I was over it.

I feel so alone in this. So angry and alone. I'm having trouble being here, there, anywhere. I'm restless.

I feel dead inside.

Confused

The miscarriage is complete. My hcg level is under five. It feels so final now. A lot of things feel so final lately.

The so called "relationship" I'm in totally confuses me. He said I am everything he's looking for and more, he doesn't want to see anyone else, he wants to try for another baby (if I want to), BUT he isn't ready to commit to a serious relationship. He isn't ready to put a "title" on it. He said he doesn't know what his problem is, but he "will come around".

I'm so confused. WTF does all of this mean?

AND should I walk away now? I can't handle a broken heart along with everything else.

I don't have it in me.

I'm beginning to not have feelings for anything at all..

So Lost...

Just when you think things can't get any worse, God proves you wrong.

My period was five days late, but I thought I was going to start my cycle. I had all the premenstrual symptoms, but it never came. I took four pregnancy tests...all positive. I was shocked. Scared. Excited. The guy I've been seeing was excited as well.

I told nearly everyone. He told people too.

Saturday I went to the ER because I was having some cramping. They said I was early pregnant, around three weeks. They did some tests, everything was fine as long as I wasn't bleeding.

Monday morning I woke up bleeding. I went to the ER. The doctor said my hcg level had dropped from 40 to 8 and that I was miscarrying. He was very sorry. So was I. I never cried so hard in my life.

When the guy I've been seeing found out I was miscarrying, he was upset about it. He was looking forward to it, he wanted a boy. He left work early to be with me. He told me how sorry he was. He even said we could try for another baby. He has been very supportive. I really couldn't ask for a better man to have been pregnant by.

For the past few days, I've been going through the motions. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I've had a great support system, but sometimes I feel so alone in this. For years I've wanted to be a mother. I had pretty much given up because I never thought it would happen.

I just don't understand why God would let me get pregnant and then take it away from me. Maybe this is his way of bringing me and the guy closer, and to show me that yes, he (God) IS there, and that anything is possible. That's the way I'm trying to look at it or otherwise I'm going to shut down in complete sadness.

I've been through a lot, but this is the HARDEST thing I've had to endure.

Something in me has died in more ways than one. I will never be the same...

ever.

I don't want to hurt anymore.

Nobody is perfect.

Perfect isn't who I am. It's not who I want to be. Maybe I just want to be somewhat perfect to someone else.

Not perfect...special.

I don't feel pretty enough. Skinny enough. Smart enough. I point out all of my flaws to myself and I think, how could someone else not notice them? How could someone else love me with them?

I just can't seem to find the answers within myself. I'm always seeking somewhere else.

Not Now

I don't know if I'm sad or angry.

My best Hooker (Jess) is losing her MIL. They aren't giving her much longer before she passes away. Please, stop by Jess's blog and say something to make her smile, or crap her pants. Whichever. She will be glad to hear from you. I love Jess. When she hurts, I hurt.

The guy. Did I mention that he makes me feel beautiful? Well, he does. There are some other things that are going with him. It's a long story, but he's having some health issues. I'm pretty sure they are testing him for liver cancer. I'm completely freaked out. I'm just trying not to show it.

Today is one of those days when I question the higher power. I know I shouldn't, but I really just don't understand.

I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!

It's All Good

Every time I see him, we seem to get a little closer...

He said: Thank you

Me: For what?

He said: For being you.

I think that is the best compliment anyone can get. He reminds me of someone I used to know.

I never thought I'd find that level with another person again.

BUT...

maybe I have.

At least I hope so.

Building

I had that one person I could tell anything to. ANYTHING, without judgement. I could talk to that person and know that when the conversation was over, I'd feel better. Everyone needs that kind of someone in their life.

Last night I cried myself to sleep for various reasons. It's what we, as human beings (well, at least women) do. The more I cried, the more angry I became. I WANTED, NEEDED that "kind of someone" so badly to talk with. That "kind of someone" is no longer in my life. They left me. I feel abandoned.

Today I realized that maybe I depended too much on that person. Maybe they felt it too.

The new person in my life (maybe), we are taking things slow. We are "building" (his words). Building what exactly? A friendship, a relationship, a cult? It doesn't really matter as long as we are building something.

With the douche bags I've dated, to be honest, there was something safe about it. I knew that I could never fall in love with them. I may have been broken in other ways, but my heart was safe. And I stayed. Now, I've found someone I could probably "build" something with. I could fall in love with him. And I feel myself pulling away because I am nothing, but a big CHICKEN SHIT.

I'm afraid to give it a chance.

I'm afraid not to.

Update

I missed two days of work this week. I got worse with the UTI. My blood pressure went up for some reason. I was in the hospital. I'm back at work today. It's all good. AND...

I found out that he is "into" me.

It's a good thing, too. I DO have a voodoo doll with his name on it!

Mwahaha

On my mind..

About four months ago, I found a lump in my right side. It's bigger now.

Guess I will make a doctor's appointment. It's probably nothing, but I have to take care of myself.


Will keep you posted!

I want it so badly
somebody other than me
staring back at me...

The weekend is here. As much as I want to do something, there isn't much to do. I don't like the bar scene, but right now, that is an option.

I get so tired of just spending time with ME.

I've decided that my "Prince Charming" isn't going to find me. I think his horse died, along with his GPS.

Guess I'll settle for Mr. Budlight!

:/

I talked to a professional/wise man about my father. He told me that I wouldn't believe the things people have on their computers. He also said that he believes if my dad was into "children", he would have had thousands of pictures and downloaded movies, not just a few. I agree with him, but I still can't help to wonder what the hell it was all about. If I ever have a child, I wouldn't leave it alone with my father. Only because all of this puts a red flag in the back of my mind.


My father is getting out of jail soon. They are giving him three years of probation, no access to internet, and he has to be a registered sex offender for a while. No prison time. I'm glad he isn't going to prison. However, I will be in my own prison. He has no place to go. He has to start all over again. I'm his only daughter. You see where this is going. I DO NOT want to deal with any of it! I shouldn't have to.

When it comes to my parents, I'm screaming inside. SCREAMING!

Good thing I have an appointment for a massage tomorrow. Oh shit, please don't tell me I have to get naked for this...