A New Me

I've missed all of you. It's been such a long time. I look back at this blog and I am a totally different person. I can't believe how much my life has changed, I've changed.


I found THE ONE. Yes, he existed. I've been with him for two years. A wonderful man who thinks of ME, thinks of my feelings. He makes me smile, laugh. For the first time ever, I feel truly loved. AND I have a baby. A baby boy. He's ten months old. He is the most amazing little guy. I can't believe he came out of me!


My days consist of working part time and spending time with my family.


I cannot tell you the last time I felt sad. I cannot tell you the last time I cried.


I'm positive.


I'm HAPPY!!


And I'm so happy to be back...

Climbing Out

I'm feeling better these days. I got a new job. The job is less stressful. And I'm only making twenty six cents less on the hour than my old job. I also have more benefits.

Pretty soon I am going to be getting my own place again. This time I am not depending on anyone, but ME. And I will not be letting anyone move in with me either.

My heart still breaks sometimes over the baby. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I keep hoping that God was showing me that one day I will be a mother. He just didn't think it was the right time or with the right person. I still talk to that person, but I haven't seen him in weeks. It's best this way. I deserve much more than he is willing to give. It's his loss. Like they say, I may not be a first choice, but I'm a great choice.

I'm working on getting myself together again. I've been going to church occasionally. I've been doing a lot of praying as well. I seriously have God to thank for my strength...

I don't think I could do it without him.

Miss you all!

I Give Up

For those of you who read my blog: I will probably be MIA for a while.

Dec. 31st is my last day at work so I won't have internet access.

I'm being "let go" due to my emotional/personal (and lack of major help in my department) problems. The stressful job has become too much for me and according to my boss (who disrespects and doesn't like me) the department isn't being ran right and my head/emotions have been "all over the place". I can agree with that part, but I tried.

Go me! I so rock! :/

I love all of you. You have been so supportive. I will miss you dearly. I will check in when I can and update as well.

Have a blessed Christmas.

XOXO

It Truly Hurts

It truly hurts to find out that you were nothing. Nothing but a fling to him. After everything. After getting pregnant and losing that life. That life that was inside of me.

That life that once gave me so much hope...

Cheers

On Monday I will be 33 years old. I have an issue with getting older. I feel like everyone is passing me by. I have nobody to share my life with, no children of my own to love, and no place to call home. However, I do have my health and a job. For that I am thankful.

My friend bought me a ring. The ring says "Nothing is impossible". She wants me to remember that. I need to remember that. I've lost faith in all possibilities for myself.

I'm trying. Trying to climb out of this dark hole I'm in. I wish someone would throw me some rope. So I can either climb out or hang myself.

I think I need a drink..

I moved in with a friend so that life would be "more affordable". So far it hasn't been that way. I've lost my way to be me as well.

Every day I go to work. Every day I want to blend in with the office furniture. I work in the complaint department. Along with my disrespecting boss and realizing that if I had a penis, I'd be better off in the company. I dislike my job more and more.

I got pregnant (and lost the baby) by a man who says "let's take things slow..we are building..let things happen"...to.."I don't want to be in a serious relationship right now..I don't know what I want..I thought we were having fun...to everything is going to be alright". Did I mention he took me to meet his parents? AND he said that his mother told him I was a keeper? Why did he even tell me that?

I feel so...empty.

The sadness is different this time. I can't explain it, but I feel it. It's much deeper.

Nothing is what it seems. People always leave in the end. We are all in our own prison. We are all alone.

Hope is nothing...

but hope.