Finding Myself

Climbing Out

2011-01-25T09:06:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better these days. I got a new job. The job is less stressful. And I'm only making twenty six cents less on the hour than my old job. I also have more benefits.

Pretty soon I am going to be getting my own place again. This time I am not depending on anyone, but ME. And I will not be letting anyone move in with me either.

My heart still breaks sometimes over the baby. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I keep hoping that God was showing me that one day I will be a mother. He just didn't think it was the right time or with the right person. I still talk to that person, but I haven't seen him in weeks. It's best this way. I deserve much more than he is willing to give. It's his loss. Like they say, I may not be a first choice, but I'm a great choice.

I'm working on getting myself together again. I've been going to church occasionally. I've been doing a lot of praying as well. I seriously have God to thank for my strength...

I don't think I could do it without him.

Miss you all!

I Give Up

2010-12-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

For those of you who read my blog: I will probably be MIA for a while.

Dec. 31st is my last day at work so I won't have internet access.

I'm being "let go" due to my emotional/personal (and lack of major help in my department) problems. The stressful job has become too much for me and according to my boss (who disrespects and doesn't like me) the department isn't being ran right and my head/emotions have been "all over the place". I can agree with that part, but I tried.

Go me! I so rock! :/

I love all of you. You have been so supportive. I will miss you dearly. I will check in when I can and update as well.

Have a blessed Christmas.

XOXO

It Truly Hurts

2010-12-09T12:19:00.000-08:00

It truly hurts to find out that you were nothing. Nothing but a fling to him. After everything. After getting pregnant and losing that life. That life that was inside of me.

That life that once gave me so much hope...

Cheers

2010-11-12T11:35:00.001-08:00

On Monday I will be 33 years old. I have an issue with getting older. I feel like everyone is passing me by. I have nobody to share my life with, no children of my own to love, and no place to call home. However, I do have my health and a job. For that I am thankful.

My friend bought me a ring. The ring says "Nothing is impossible". She wants me to remember that. I need to remember that. I've lost faith in all possibilities for myself.

I'm trying. Trying to climb out of this dark hole I'm in. I wish someone would throw me some rope. So I can either climb out or hang myself.

I think I need a drink..

2010-10-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

I moved in with a friend so that life would be "more affordable". So far it hasn't been that way. I've lost my way to be me as well.

Every day I go to work. Every day I want to blend in with the office furniture. I work in the complaint department. Along with my disrespecting boss and realizing that if I had a penis, I'd be better off in the company. I dislike my job more and more.

I got pregnant (and lost the baby) by a man who says "let's take things slow..we are building..let things happen"...to.."I don't want to be in a serious relationship right now..I don't know what I want..I thought we were having fun...to everything is going to be alright". Did I mention he took me to meet his parents? AND he said that his mother told him I was a keeper? Why did he even tell me that?

I feel so...empty.

2010-10-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

The sadness is different this time. I can't explain it, but I feel it. It's much deeper.

Nothing is what it seems. People always leave in the end. We are all in our own prison. We are all alone.

Hope is nothing...

but hope.

Who am I kidding..

2010-09-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

I thought I was over it.

I feel so alone in this. So angry and alone. I'm having trouble being here, there, anywhere. I'm restless.

I feel dead inside.

Confused

2010-09-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

The miscarriage is complete. My hcg level is under five. It feels so final now. A lot of things feel so final lately.

The so called "relationship" I'm in totally confuses me. He said I am everything he's looking for and more, he doesn't want to see anyone else, he wants to try for another baby (if I want to), BUT he isn't ready to commit to a serious relationship. He isn't ready to put a "title" on it. He said he doesn't know what his problem is, but he "will come around".

I'm so confused. WTF does all of this mean?

AND should I walk away now? I can't handle a broken heart along with everything else.

I don't have it in me.

I'm beginning to not have feelings for anything at all..

So Lost...

2010-09-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

Just when you think things can't get any worse, God proves you wrong.

My period was five days late, but I thought I was going to start my cycle. I had all the premenstrual symptoms, but it never came. I took four pregnancy tests...all positive. I was shocked. Scared. Excited. The guy I've been seeing was excited as well.

I told nearly everyone. He told people too.

Saturday I went to the ER because I was having some cramping. They said I was early pregnant, around three weeks. They did some tests, everything was fine as long as I wasn't bleeding.

Monday morning I woke up bleeding. I went to the ER. The doctor said my hcg level had dropped from 40 to 8 and that I was miscarrying. He was very sorry. So was I. I never cried so hard in my life.

When the guy I've been seeing found out I was miscarrying, he was upset about it. He was looking forward to it, he wanted a boy. He left work early to be with me. He told me how sorry he was. He even said we could try for another baby. He has been very supportive. I really couldn't ask for a better man to have been pregnant by.

For the past few days, I've been going through the motions. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I've had a great support system, but sometimes I feel so alone in this. For years I've wanted to be a mother. I had pretty much given up because I never thought it would happen.

I just don't understand why God would let me get pregnant and then take it away from me. Maybe this is his way of bringing me and the guy closer, and to show me that yes, he (God) IS there, and that anything is possible. That's the way I'm trying to look at it or otherwise I'm going to shut down in complete sadness.

I've been through a lot, but this is the HARDEST thing I've had to endure.

Something in me has died in more ways than one. I will never be the same...

ever.

2010-08-23T12:45:00.000-07:00

I don't want to hurt anymore.

2010-08-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

Nobody is perfect.

Perfect isn't who I am. It's not who I want to be. Maybe I just want to be somewhat perfect to someone else.

Not perfect...special.

I don't feel pretty enough. Skinny enough. Smart enough. I point out all of my flaws to myself and I think, how could someone else not notice them? How could someone else love me with them?

I just can't seem to find the answers within myself. I'm always seeking somewhere else.

Not Now

2010-08-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I'm sad or angry.

My best Hooker (Jess) is losing her MIL. They aren't giving her much longer before she passes away. Please, stop by Jess's blog and say something to make her smile, or crap her pants. Whichever. She will be glad to hear from you. I love Jess. When she hurts, I hurt.

The guy. Did I mention that he makes me feel beautiful? Well, he does. There are some other things that are going with him. It's a long story, but he's having some health issues. I'm pretty sure they are testing him for liver cancer. I'm completely freaked out. I'm just trying not to show it.

Today is one of those days when I question the higher power. I know I shouldn't, but I really just don't understand.

I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!

It's All Good

2010-07-29T12:54:00.000-07:00

Every time I see him, we seem to get a little closer...

He said: Thank you

Me: For what?

He said: For being you.

I think that is the best compliment anyone can get. He reminds me of someone I used to know.

I never thought I'd find that level with another person again.

BUT...

maybe I have.

At least I hope so.

Building

2010-07-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

I had that one person I could tell anything to. ANYTHING, without judgement. I could talk to that person and know that when the conversation was over, I'd feel better. Everyone needs that kind of someone in their life.

Last night I cried myself to sleep for various reasons. It's what we, as human beings (well, at least women) do. The more I cried, the more angry I became. I WANTED, NEEDED that "kind of someone" so badly to talk with. That "kind of someone" is no longer in my life. They left me. I feel abandoned.

Today I realized that maybe I depended too much on that person. Maybe they felt it too.

The new person in my life (maybe), we are taking things slow. We are "building" (his words). Building what exactly? A friendship, a relationship, a cult? It doesn't really matter as long as we are building something.

With the douche bags I've dated, to be honest, there was something safe about it. I knew that I could never fall in love with them. I may have been broken in other ways, but my heart was safe. And I stayed. Now, I've found someone I could probably "build" something with. I could fall in love with him. And I feel myself pulling away because I am nothing, but a big CHICKEN SHIT.

I'm afraid to give it a chance.

I'm afraid not to.

Update

2010-07-09T12:02:00.001-07:00

I missed two days of work this week. I got worse with the UTI. My blood pressure went up for some reason. I was in the hospital. I'm back at work today. It's all good. AND...

I found out that he is "into" me.

It's a good thing, too. I DO have a voodoo doll with his name on it!

Mwahaha

On my mind..

2010-06-24T06:00:00.001-07:00

About four months ago, I found a lump in my right side. It's bigger now.

Guess I will make a doctor's appointment. It's probably nothing, but I have to take care of myself.

Will keep you posted!

2010-06-18T12:27:00.001-07:00

I want it so badly
somebody other than me
staring back at me...

2010-06-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

The weekend is here. As much as I want to do something, there isn't much to do. I don't like the bar scene, but right now, that is an option.

I get so tired of just spending time with ME.

I've decided that my "Prince Charming" isn't going to find me. I think his horse died, along with his GPS.

Guess I'll settle for Mr. Budlight!

:/

2010-05-21T07:41:00.000-07:00

I talked to a professional/wise man about my father. He told me that I wouldn't believe the things people have on their computers. He also said that he believes if my dad was into "children", he would have had thousands of pictures and downloaded movies, not just a few. I agree with him, but I still can't help to wonder what the hell it was all about. If I ever have a child, I wouldn't leave it alone with my father. Only because all of this puts a red flag in the back of my mind.

My father is getting out of jail soon. They are giving him three years of probation, no access to internet, and he has to be a registered sex offender for a while. No prison time. I'm glad he isn't going to prison. However, I will be in my own prison. He has no place to go. He has to start all over again. I'm his only daughter. You see where this is going. I DO NOT want to deal with any of it! I shouldn't have to.

When it comes to my parents, I'm screaming inside. SCREAMING!

Good thing I have an appointment for a massage tomorrow. Oh shit, please don't tell me I have to get naked for this...

What?

2010-05-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

Most of us have morals. We know what we should and shouldn't do. We also do things that make us feel guilty, but still do it, because in the long run...it's all about SURVIVAL.

None of us truly follow our hearts. We go with whatever is comfortable and hope that will make us happy. Then we find out we still aren't happy, but what we really want isn't worth going for. Fear stands in the way.

Sometimes it's better to have something, than nothing at all. Even if that something makes you miserable. Sounds crazy, but it's true. Trust me, I know.

People get so used to the daily routine, it all becomes "I feel stuck in a rut". Life is going nowhere. It's at a boring standstill.

That's me. At a standstill. It's all followed by stressful outbursts!

At least that's what I'm calling it.

Just this week..

2010-05-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends found out her mother-n-law has cancer. A friend of my dad's shot and killed himself. A 19 year old girl from my hometown was crushed to pieces in a car accident.

Before all of that, I was feeling sorry for myself.

Today...I'm the lucky one.

WE ARE NEVER PROMISED TOMORROW.

2010-04-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

I'm at work tonight. I'm watching everyone come and go with their addiction problems, realizing my own issues.

I miss my dad. Even though he wasn't much of a father, I miss him. It hurts that he's in jail, facing those kind of charges. Deep down, I think I know the truth. I'm just in denial.

I feel so alone these days. I blog to breathe. And sometimes I still can't breathe. There are many times that I write, delete.

Tonight I will go home to a dark, silent house. I will have my crying session. Tomorrow I will be better.

At least I have my Harley. Who I forgot to leave a light on for..

shit.

Thoughts for the day..

2010-04-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to think being a good person is a sign of weakness. Especially when it's the A-Holes that come out on top.

Sometimes I wish I could move away, change my identity. Maybe become a selfish bitch. Be a person that I'm not. Be fake. See how far that gets me.

Why do I want someone I can't have? Why can't something be done about that?

I can't decide if I want to buy myself a new digital camera or a HD TV for my bedroom. Or both. Nah. How about a laptop? No. Nobody is online anymore.

I must take my dog to the vet for the usual. Man, he's going to hate me.

Does anyone really read this shit?

2010-03-26T13:21:00.001-07:00

It's easy to lose faith.

It's easy to lose hope.

For every what I wanted to be moment, or for that one being that gave me some kind of hope, for something, anything...

failed me.

This has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with me.

I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I just am.

2010-03-12T10:30:00.000-08:00

I watched my niece (by friendship) last weekend. She told me a girl at school was making fun of her for not wearing a bra. I explained to her that it wasn't polite for this girl to make fun of her, and that it wasn't any one's business. Then we talked about her wearing a bra, since she is 11 years old and starting to develop. The conversation went a little something like this...

ME: Well, honey, you are 11 years old now. Maybe we should buy you a bra.

HER: I don't have to wear a bra, I'm not giving birth.

ME: Who told you that? Your mom? (I could see my friend telling her that!)

HER: No, I came up with that all on my own.

LMAO!

I told her that I wasn't giving birth, but I still had to wear a bra. We ended up at Walmart, she ended up with a cute little pink bra that she absolutely loved!

I just had to share that story. I never laughed so hard in my life.

Tomorrow my niece will be 17 years old. My other niece (by marriage) is having a baby girl. She's due next month. My nephew will be 12 next week.

As for me, I will have another dried up egg...

GAH!

Where has the time gone?

2010-03-05T13:49:00.000-08:00

Doing fine.

Dad is still in jail, doesn't go back to court until May. This is going to be one..long..hard..process.

Ready for the weekend! Even though I'm just babysitting for a friend. Don't worry, she's 11 years old, it won't be that hard...

OR WILL IT?

Be back soon!

2010-02-03T11:14:00.000-08:00

I got moved. I love the house, but I'm totally exhausted. It's bringing me down.

Things I have the blues about..

Going to the jail three times a week. Once to put money on dad's books, twice to see him for 15 minutes, through a tv screen and telephone.

Dumping the guy I've only been seeing for a short while. He's in the same category as the last one. He's jobless and has a drinking problem.

Missing old friends. It's so weird how things change, people come and go. I don't like it.

Working this weekend and next. It's hard having a vagina and trying to make it totally on your own in this world.

Feeling...OLDER. Feeling...TIRED. Feeling...FED UP.

2010-01-19T11:43:00.000-08:00

I AM MOVING!

A two bedroom house, with hard wood floors, washer and dryer hook up, an attic for storage, and a fenced in back yard for my furry child, the dog.

It's going to be more expensive, I have more utilities to pay. However, I will have peace and quiet, central air, no more dreaded steps that almost caused me to DIE, and goodbye laundry mat! I'm trying to be moved by February 1st. Wish me luck on that. I hate moving.

That's what's going on with me. What the hell is going on with you? NOBODY blogs anymore!

It Hurts

2010-01-14T13:38:00.000-08:00

Dad is facing 5-29 years in prison. Tuesday they talked about dad on the news, it was also in the paper and on the internet. I was completely fucked up. I couldn't face the world yesterday, I called in to work. I pretty much slept all day. I haven't been sleeping since he got arrested.

I guess I might as well face it, I'm going to lose my dad. In more ways than one. Nothing will ever be the same.

The guy I've been seeing is pressuring me into feelings I just don't have for him right now. I don't think I CAN feel anything at the moment. He doesn't get it. I don't know how much longer I will continue to see him.

For once in my life, I was beginning to feel normal...

not anymore.

God Help Me

2010-01-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

My dad was arrested on Monday for seven counts of possession of child pornography. He's being charged with a D Felony and a C Felony.

His bond is $10,000.00 cash.

He's looking at 3-12 years in prison.

My dad has NEVER hurt me or anyone else to my knowledge. Out of the two parents, he was the only one who ever showed me any kind of love. He really wasn't a dad when I was growing up. He was a drunk. And he wasn't around, but at least I have some kind of relationship with him that I don't have with my mother. He has been there a lot more than she has. And now, I'm going to lose him.

Being a victim of sexual child abuse, I'm not sure how to feel about this. I keep telling myself that it's wrong for me to continue to acknowledge him as my father. How could I? No matter how bad I want to turn my back on him, he is still my father, and I love him.

I asked the detective why my abusers are still walking the streets, but my dad is in jail for something he supposedly downloaded on his computer. He couldn't answer that. He also couldn't tell me why they aren't going after the sick fucks who put this porn on the internet.

I have a hard time believing he's a child molester. IF he was downloading the child porn, does it mean for sure that he could be a child molester? OR was it pure curiosity? I'm just trying to figure this out. I want to know why. WHY did he have that shit on his computer?

So now I'm just waiting for my father's face to be flashed all over the news and internet. For people to gossip and look at me like I'm some kind of freak for being his daughter. I refuse to talk about it with anyone. However, I wish I had someone to talk to, that could understand how I'm feeling about all of this, and who wouldn't judge me for loving my father.

I'm devastated.

Yada Yada Yada

2009-12-30T15:28:00.000-08:00

I'm blinking too much. Which means my anxiety is high. Rubbing my eyes isn't helping, neither is the anxiety medication.

Maybe it's the extra work at work, or the second job, or the ex-asshole still calling, questioning and saying "tell me you haven't been with nobody else, do you SWEAR to God?". WTF. He can't seem to understand that it has nothing to do with anyone else. AND it's none of his busiwax.

Why is it, when you think you know what you want, and you get it, you don't really think you want it?

I meet a really sweet guy, who would probably do anything in the world for me. An attractive guy. And yet, I'm confused. I don't really know if I want to be with him. I'm pointing out all of his flaws and picking at little things to MYSELF. Like I am purposely trying NOT to like him. And then I'm asking myself WHY.

What is my problem?

2009-12-28T08:18:00.001-08:00

I had a great Christmas, even though I didn't do much and I worked.

I decided to give the nice guy another chance. I explained to him what I didn't want. I also told him I need time. If he comes on too strong, that pushes me away. If he just relaxes, and goes with the flow, that will bring me closer.

He respects that.

We'll see...

2009-12-23T06:01:00.000-08:00

Yep, met a nice guy and now it's over!

I'm already feeling smothered and he's already trying to move in! I told him I needed my space and that I have plans for the next few days. THEN he asked me what my problem was. He even asked me if I was bipolar.

That pretty much did it for me.

Maybe Santa will bring me peace for Christmas. If not, I'm going to punch him in his sack...

To make a long story short...

2009-12-17T12:52:00.001-08:00

I think I may have met a really GOOD guy. I'm going out with him again on Saturday. AND he comes from a wealthy family. Not that I really care, but heh.

I'm sick with a cold. It sucks!

In case I don't blog again until after the holidays...

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS!

XOXO

Gobble This!

2009-11-20T11:19:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's the Holiday season. It's been a quick year. I'm working on Thanksgiving this year. Nobody is doing anything, I might as well work my second job and get Holiday pay. Somebody has to do it, right?

My life has become pretty much nothing, but work and tv. I'm too tired to do anything else. I'm such a homebody. I did go eat and get my nails done with my friend last night. THE friend, I don't really have many friends. It's a choice. I've been burned too many times. Especially when you had someone in your life, who you thought, and was told "you will always be a part of my life", to never hear from them again. To this day, I have no clue what I did wrong. I lost my faith in friendship, in good men, in being able to smoke in restaraunts (damn them) and let's face it...humanity. Okay, so I went a little far with the humanity thing, but you get what I'm saying!

It doesn't matter, most of my friends live inside of my computer. I love you guys. I wish you nothing, but the best, and a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Much turkey and much love!

:XO

Smoking Haters SUCK

2009-11-06T07:46:00.000-08:00

No more smoking allowed on the premises at work due to non-smokers complaining. Non-smokers who work 40 minutes away in another location. Because of their complaints, it is effecting us all!

This means I will have to drive off of the premises. We are off of a highway!

Ok, smoking is bad for you, blah blah blah. We all know this. Excuse me for having the habit. I did not create tobacco, I fell to peer pressure, dammit! Seriously! I got addicted to it and now I'm paying for it in more ways than one. My health, financially, and now at work.

These people want me to go postal, don't they?

I guess it would be a good time to seriously QUIT. It's just the point.

THE POINT THAT EVERYONE SHOULD MIND THEIR OWN FREAKIN' BUSINESS!

It's been a while...

2009-10-29T11:34:00.000-07:00

My grandfather passed away on 10/11. He was sick for years, so he's in a much better place now. My mom didn't handle it very well, but that's expected. He was a very good man. He will be missed.

I got my very own nice office at work. AND thanks to another bonus the company gave me, I was able to buy a new (to me) car! It's super nice. It's also black, which I love.

I'm thinking about moving at the end of the month. I need an apartment (or house) that doesn't have dangerous steps to walk up and down. I've been having a lot of back problems (bulging disc) since falling down my apartment steps last year. It's painful and annoying. My lease is up in December. Time to move!

Other than the back problems, still working two jobs, and missing you guys...

LIFE IS IMPROVING!

:XO

2009-10-02T11:25:00.001-07:00

I've been hiding in my apartment for a while. Trying to get my thoughts and feelings back together. That's a hard thing to do sometimes. Then you have people who don't understand why you need to be alone. It's so frustrating. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I shouldn't have my own thoughts and feelings used against me. A "friend" shouldn't do that to you.

Maybe I opened up too soon. I felt comfortable..or so I thought. I'm not so comfortable anymore, so I think I will just keep my mouth shut.

Today is the best day I've had in a while. I'm beginning to feel at peace again, at least for today. I wish I could say that every day, but the truth is, I am a person who has to take it one day at a time.

Peace

2009-09-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

I had a dream.

I was on a bicycle, peddling as fast as I could, and going nowhere.

Things came to an end. A-hole got trashed and made a complete ass out of himself, not only to me, but to my neighbors and the COPS. He went to jail (in his boxers). My landlord banned him from the property. And I had my number changed. It needed to be done. The great thing about it, I didn't have to do anything. He did it all himself. Everyone else took it from there.

Tomorrow I will be making an appointment for some counseling.

I need to know why. Why did I take his abuse for so long? Why do I get these type of men who show me no respect, who use me and abuse me?

I'm currently low as low can get. On a scale of 1-10, my self esteem is a 2. I'm sad. Not because he's gone, but because he was a wasted year of my life. I so much wanted him to be someone I could be with. Someone I could love, someone that would love me in return. He's "fucked up" in a bad way. He's beyond help. I knew it too. I knew it, and I still TRIED.

I'm angry about a lot of things today. I'm mostly angry about men who use women, and the women who let that happen. I'm especially angry at myself.

I could really use a friend right now.

2009-09-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

Wingin' It

2009-08-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, my dad's world has completely fallen apart. The cops contacted him concerning the child porn that was on his computer. After four months (go figure). They wanted him to take a polygraph. He spoke with a lawyer, the lawyer advised him against it. For lots of reasons. So basically, he's going to remain silent. He got a DUI a couple of weeks ago and went to jail. He was suspended from work, and today they fired him. They fired him for getting arrested. He could have LIED about it, but no, he chose to tell the truth. Well, actually, I told to tell the truth because I had to call in for him that day. I thought honesty was always the best policy? I guess not.

He's living with a friend now, so I don't see him often. When I do talk to him, he talks about how he just feels like giving up and "blowing his brains out". Thanks for the mental picture, dad. I appreciate it.

As for me? Well, I'm still dealing with psycho. Well, not really dealing with him, mostly ignoring him or pretending he doesn't exist.

I made friends with two of my neighbors. It only took me two years, but what can I say, I stay to myself. Especially when it comes to neighbors. They actually thought I was stuck up. If anyone knows me at all, that is NOT my character.

I just found out my 19 yr old step-niece is pregnant. That totally bummed me out! The "kids" are having kids...before me!

I'm still working my second job. Very tiring, but the extra money is awesome to have. I have to work tomorrow 12:30-9:30. It's going to be one long day...

here's to the F'n weekend!

My posts don't have to make any sense...

2009-08-07T13:00:00.000-07:00

The most important person turns out to be nothing of the sort.

I put people on pedestals. I go out of my way. When I should be putting myself on a pedestal. I've learned. I know what I want, but I don't go for it. I avoid or pretend it doesn't need to be. I choose not to deal with things these days. Maybe it's because I've had to deal with so much in the past?

Either way, I'm sort of numb. I don't let things bother me like I used to. That is a very good thing.

I seem to fall for men who can't/won't/don't want to love me. And that is okay. Because they don't deserve me. I'm pretty awesome. I owe a lot of my awesomeness to you guys!

Have a fantastic weekend! And if you see a snake...

chop it's freakin head off!

2009-07-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

It's sad when you spend a lot of years with someone and you find out they SUCK.

Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this, but it's on my mind. My Hooker is moving away. She's doing what's best for her and the kids. She's totally unhappy, and has been for a very long time. She doesn't have a supportive husband and most of the time he's as ASS. She can better herself with him out of the picture. He's holding her back. She's strong. One of the strongest women I know. She will do just fine. I know this, but I worry. I hope she can have the life she deserves. I also hope she finds the love that she deserves.

It makes me sad that she has to go through this. I wish there was something I could do for her. I don't feel like I've been a very good friend. She's always been there for me, but I don't feel like I've returned the favor. So I totally SUCK.

Life. It keeps changing. People come and go in my life. Important people. People who made an impact on my heart. It's easy for me to make friends, but hard for me to get close to people.

Maybe that's why I stick with the "dysfunctional"...

So I won't get hurt.

2009-07-14T12:25:00.001-07:00

Good news. The catscan came back fine, they found no cat. It still doesn't explain my stomach issues, but whatever.

I got a good bonus from work. Yay me!

Bad news. My health insurance is going up. Damn it, man! Oh well, at least I have health insurance.

I'm trying to stay positive about life and crap.

Thinking about renting a house...

Update

2009-07-08T13:46:00.001-07:00

I didn't exactly have the catscan on Friday. I overslept and didn't make it. I did have it today. And it sucked! That stuff they make you drink tastes like ASS. Not that I know what ass tastes like, but I can just imagine. Then they give you dye that makes you feel like you are peeing all over yourself.

I should get the results in a few days. I guess.

As soon as I know, you will know! I'm sure everything is fine, it's probably my lack of gallbladder and well, I did have sex with an alien once.

*muah*

Suck It

2009-07-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

Have I learned anything? Am I even capable of learning? Is it my heart or my head that gets in the way of my learning? Or is it fear? And fear of what? I've been through worse and made it. I survived.

I'm ashamed to admit I let him come back after last time. But I did. And once again, I kicked his out. It was over a week ago. He went to jail for PI/disorderly conduct. And I got rid of his shit. He called me when he got out of jail (the next day). I ended up dropping him off at a bar, where he found someone to go home with. He moved in with her.

How did I react to that?

Well, I was hurt. Of course.

He gave me the story that I put his crap out, so basically it was my fault. And he couldn't sleep on the streets! He had a good girl now, don't you know. He found himself some good ole white trash. So I've heard. Then again, what do I expect from someone who lets a man move in with them after one night? What did I expect from him? Nothing. He's a drunken/user/abuser. She means nothing to him. She's just a place to live and a place to drink booze. Just as I was.

I ended it on good terms. I told him I would pray for him. That I was still a friend. I screwed up yesterday when I asked him if he missed me.

He called me today. Telling me how much he misses me and that he really wants to come "home". And you know, if it wasn't for the fact he's been up in someone else, I'd probably be stupid and take him back once again. Why? Because I'm that f'n lonely. Or desperate. However you want to see it.

I can't stomach the thought of him. To think that he went home with a complete stranger, surely slept with her, and moved on in like I hadn't even existed. He couldn't be a real man, no. He had to find another sucker to leach on to.

And I'm the biggest sucker of them all.

2009-06-29T13:36:00.000-07:00

I'm holding back the tears at work and I feel like I could explode at any time.

I'm so tired. Working two jobs is wearing me out, but I need the money. Stress is taking a toll on me physically. I'm lonely. So very lonely. I miss having friends. I miss having "someone".

I have to have a catscan Friday. Pray for good results!

Love and miss you guys!

Happy Friday

2009-05-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

I'm too tired to write about thoughts and feelings. Let's just stick with something simple, shall we?

Not much going on this weekend. Doing laundry in the morning, followed by church at 4:00, then working tomorrow night. I'm taking my nephew to see Wolverine on Sunday.

Other than that..

not a damn thing.

Well, except for maybe starting a cult...

2009-05-08T10:26:00.001-07:00

He's called every day. Begging to come back. Giving me the same old story, he will change, things will be better, he won't drink anymore, he will respect me, he will treat me like a queen, blah blah lie blah.

I told him ten times...NO. He's treated me like crap for nine months. He had three chances that he didn't deserve. Am I really supposed to believe him THIS time? He can't change. That is who he is.

I will still be friends with him, but I do not want to date him, and I definitely don't want him living with me.

He had it good. It's his own damn fault.

As for my weekend...my best friend, who I very seldom see, is staying over. Most likely we will just hang out and watch movies, but I enjoy her company.

Oh..except for the laundry thing I have to do. And I have to work Sunday.

Crap!

I Can Breathe Again!

2009-05-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

To make a long story short...

Asshole got drunk yesterday. We got into an argument. He put his arm around my neck and left red marks. I kicked his ass out. He left, he knew if he didn't leave he was going to jail. I told him to leave me alone and that the cops were looking for him.

I CAN take a lot. I DID take a lot. But this chick is NOT taking anymore!

I can finally breathe.

The Twenty Firsts MeMe

2009-05-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

First Job: Babysitting. I made $30 a week. Now the kid is grown and married with kids!

First Real Job: Hooker. Nah, just kidding. I worked at a gas station. I was 15.

First Favorite Politician: Arnold Schwarzenegger. I have to agree with Mig on that one. Yes, I googled his name to know how to spell it.

First Car: A chevette. Hahahaha. I called it Bootsie. I think that car costs me $200, well, cost my boyfriend $200. He paid for it.

First Record/CD: Crystal Gayle. Omg, I know...GAY. Hey, I was a little girl who liked her long hair!

First Sport Played: Volleyball

First Concert: Tim Mcgraw. Yeah, figures. I'm not even a fan of country music!

First Foreign Country Visited: Europe. I went to Amsterdam for two weeks and didn't even get high. I did see the hookers though.

First Favorite TV Show: Punky Brewster

First Favorite Actor: The hot little bad boy from 90210..Luke Perry.

First Favorite Actress: Well, I used to like Angelina Jolie until Brad Pitt tripped and fell into...nevermind.

First Girlfriend/Boyfriend: A great guy named Jason. Man, I was so stupid for letting that guy go. Oh well, wasn't meant to be.

First Encounter with a Famous Person: I've never met a famous person, but I did have an encounter with an alien once. His name was Alf.

First Brush With Death: Um let's see...that time I got drunk and..or that time I almost...

First House/Condo Owned: Let's not even talk about that.

First Film Seen: I don't know. It was scary, I do know that!

First Favorite Recording Artist: I don't freakin know. Let's go with the Chipmunks. Gotta love that Alvin..

First Favorite Radio Station: 95.7 QMF

First Book I Remember Reading: Where the Wild Things Are

First Meme You Answered on Your Blog: I can't remember, because Mig is old.

The Whole World Needs a Daily Dose of Xanax

2009-05-01T10:23:00.001-07:00

I would like to start out saying dealing with the public sucks! Even if it is on the phone. I've never heard from so many grouchy people in my life. Everyone seems to be impatient. They want it NOW. Xanax, people!

Let me tell you how my mornings go. I get up at 5:30 A.M. and take my dad to work because his car broke down. Then I come home, leave again at 6:30 A.M. and take Asshole to work. Then I come home, get ready and go to work myself. I skip lunch (I do eat) so I can pick up my dad at 2:30 from work and drop him off at my house. Then I go back to work until 5:00. Hopefully dad's car will be fixed today. Because I'm tired. I'm f'n tired of doing everything for everybody else.

Asshole seems to think he can tell me what to do. He demands me to do things. And expects it. I've put a stop to that. And I remind him every Friday that he needs to MOVE OUT. A couple of weekends ago, he was arrested for public intoxication. I thought for sure I'd get rid of him then, but no luck. Last weekend he stayed away all night. He was back before I could get the locks changed. He's been drunk all week. Like the kind of drunk where he's passed out in a chair drooling all over himself. Not to mention, he's been smoking weed with the weird lesbian next door. He's sickening. I'm to the point I can't stand him. He's bringing the evil out in me. I just want to bust him in his face! And that's not who I am.

I never thought I'd say this, but I want to be ALONE.

2009-04-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a long week. I've worked six days this week...with a terrible cold! Luckily I'm feeling much better today. I've had this crap since Monday.

I've been letting my dad sleep on my couch. He goes to work, goes to friends, and then comes to my house to sleep and shower. I can't see him on the streets. It's temporary until he figures out what the hell he's going to do. Someone else is taking care of his dog.

I just found out my co-worker/good friend has skin cancer. Another thing to add to my list of worries.

Anyways, besides being completely worn out and in need of fun, I'm doing fine.

That's a good thing, right?

I Have My Reasons

2009-04-17T12:54:00.001-07:00

I told my father he couldn't stay...

1. I DO NOT want to deal with this.
2. I'm risking losing my apartment.
3. His dog is pissing in my house! Last time, his dog ruined my NEW furniture that I barely used. I had to throw it out. Not to mention I had to take the dog to work with me yesterday. I know, it isn't the dog's fault! =(
4. There isn't enough room.
5. I CAN NOT live with him again.

The ASS that still lives with me has also been pressuring me. Not just pressuring me, but threatening me. He doesn't want my dad or the dog there, and he wants to secure his place in my home. He knows I don't want HIM there anymore, so he's been using all of this against ME.

My life is being controlled. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I wish I had someone to cry to. A hug doesn't sound bad either.

Is it possible to have a nervous breakdown and not realize it?

F'd Up Situation

2009-04-16T10:30:00.000-07:00

To make a long story short...

My dad is possibly being charged with downloading child porn from the internet. It's a long story, but he may have been set up. However, he may be guilty. Nobody knows anyone to the fullest extent. There are many skeletons in a person's closet. I really can't say if he's guilty or not.

He's been at my house since this happened (Saturday), until he decided he just wanted to stay away drunk. So, I've been at home, taking care of his dog, and basically waiting for the cops to knock on my door. This whole thing has had me so upset, I haven't been at work all week, until today. And now...I'm starting to get angry.

I want to believe my dad is innocent. If he's not innocent, I don't know how to feel. No matter what, he's still my father, but how do I look at this? What the hell am I supposed to do? If he's charged, how will people look at ME? How am I supposed to look at him?

I'm to the point of taking his dog to him, and saying "you're on your own".

I'm so screwed up right now...

You don't even know.

2009-04-09T11:59:00.000-07:00

I've been busy. All I seem to do is work. After work, I will go to my second job until 9:00 tonight. A 13 hour day. Yeah yeah yeah, but that is a lot of hours for me in one day! I will also be working on Easter. Ten hours. Eww. I figured my coworker should have the day off to spend with her three year old. Being the nice/childless person that I am, I'm going to work for her.

Maybe I can sleep. And work.

Sleepworking.

Yeah, that sounds good!

Happy Friday

2009-04-03T12:09:00.000-07:00

I should be happy it's Friday. For the most part, I am. It means I don't have to work HERE tomorrow and I get to sleep in. I am working my second job, but I don't have to be there until noon. I'm sure my eyes will pop wide open at 8 am.

Ass was off work today due to rain. He called and LIED to me. I called him on his lie. He lied about who he was with. Where he was and where he was going. Gambling. That is where he was going. He left the money he owed me at the house. I had my sister go get the money for me. Why, you ask? So when he gambles all of his money away, he can't take back the money he gave me, before I get off work to get it. Yeah, I'm smart like that. But not too smart, or I would of dropped his ass off at a shelter a long time ago. Did I mention he was drunk? Yeah, you already knew that.

He promised me. He promised he wouldn't gamble this weekend. He promised he would be sober so we could go out to eat after work. No, I didn't believe him. Sociopaths can't keep promises. I'm serious when I say that. He fits the profile. I did some research! I am not making this up, people!

I'm not going home after work. I'm getting my nails done, going to the tanning bed, and then meeting my coworker for dinner.

I may not go home tonight.

A Bunch of Babble

2009-03-27T08:51:00.001-07:00

Feeling bummed today.

For the past few weeks, church has been comparing the decades to the bible. People have really directed themselves away from love. There is so much violence in the world, it makes me sad.

Most people these days are about what they want. Then there are those who are just trying to get what they need. Love. Respect. Fun. Peace. Family. Happiness.

After church last Saturday, I actually walked out with tears in my eyes. It could have been lingering PMS, but whatever it was, it struck a cord in me.

Ass is drinking again. Working, but drinking. He gives me money. What he THINKS he should give me. Last week he gave me money and then blew the rest of his paycheck at the horse race track. His whole f'n paycheck! THEN asked to borrow $20 from me. Talk about irresponsible. I've got a big surprise for him, today I am giving him a bill. It is what is due...half of the what the bills are. If he doesn't like it, he can get the F out! It's pretty sad I have to work a second job because I can't depend on him. As I should. I shouldn't depend on anyone, but myself.

I'm so tired of being a good person. I let people take advantage of me way too often. Where is the line between a good person and a doormat?

I honestly don't know.

2009-03-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

I started my second job. I enjoyed it. Nothing like working with a bunch of crazies. It's interesting and fun. I will learn a lot about people while working there.

A man came in for alcohol treatment. I could smell the alcohol on him a mile away. He couldn't fill out his paperwork because he couldn't see it very well. I went into the lobby and filled it out for him. When we got to the "your age" question, I looked at him and said "how old are you, 21?" He laughed and said "I wish I was 21 again". I tried to make him feel better about being there. I think it worked, I got a laugh out of him. THAT made me feel good. =)

I talked to my grandmother. She complained about my sister, and her kids. My sister doesn't talk to her, she doesn't call her, my niece doesn't have time for her, blah blah blah. Then she said "maybe I shouldn't have taken M away from your mom, if she would have had to grow up like YOU did, maybe she would know what it's like to have feelings".

I didn't respond. I'm not exactly sure how to take that. How would you take it?

Say What?!

2009-03-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know, I have a bad habit. I smoke. I know all of the warnings, but once you become addicted to cigarettes, it's better than sex (and it lasts longer).

I've tried to quit. Ok, not really, but I did go a few days without. And let me tell ya, I wasn't happy. Now I'm forced to quit. Cigarettes are $5.35 a pack! They are going up again in April. Damn that Marlboro Man!

I refuse to pay that much money to kill myself.

Starting tomorrow (okay, probably MONDAY), I will stop smoking...

cold freakin turkey.

Man, I'm going to be bitchy.

The Bright Side

2009-03-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

He's been sober for three weeks yesterday. He's a much better person sober. Which is expected. Yesterday, he wanted to drink. I told him he could go to AA, but he wasn't drinking in my home. He wouldn't go to AA, but he didn't drink either. I'm wondering what's going to happen when he starts getting paid.

I got a second job at a mental hospital. My family and friends say it's about time I go where I belong. I have to admit, I do find the mentally ill interesting. I will be working the switchboard and checking belongings that people drop off to their loved ones. The good thing, the pay is decent. It's after hours from my regular job and on weekends. The bad thing, they will only use me "as needed". They did tell me they would pull me in for other things as well, so I can get some hours. Whatever works. I have extra time to kill and I want MONEY!

Things are definitely better at home. I just hope it stays that way. I'm trying to think positive and better myself. I've even been going to church!

Bet ya didn't see that coming, did ya?

2009-02-24T12:07:00.001-08:00

When in doubt, write about being horny.

WARNING: This post is personal and WEIRD

2009-02-24T07:46:00.001-08:00

I'm horny. Like all the time! I know, laugh. It is funny, but I think there is something going on with me. I even had sex dreams last night. Two of them! Am I reaching my prime? I mean, seriously. Somebody give me some input here! Is this normal?

Your advice is appreciated!

Oh man, I've just embarrassed myself with my fellow bloggers...

good thing I'm laughing.

11 Days

2009-02-18T09:04:00.000-08:00

He's been sober for 11 days. He's also going back to work. He's trying, I guess. He said he's going to replace my HD tv, first thing. I won't hold my breath, but that is the least he could do. Until then, I bought a 19 inch used televison from someone at work.

Friday the 13th wasn't as good as I thought it would be. What is the deal with all the boobs? I know, typical Friday the 13th movie, but come on...I didn't need all the boob footage. Penis! Where is the penis? Penis isn't all that attractive, but a man should have to show something.

Am I right, or am I right?

Happy Birthday, Mig!

2009-02-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

Hope your day is as wonderful as you are. Happy Birthday!

It's Friday the 13th

2009-02-13T08:30:00.000-08:00

Well, he's still at my house. Until I go to court, there isn't much I can do. You know what pisses me off about the whole thing? The fact he's staying where he isn't wanted. I told him that too.

He's made many promises this week, but I've heard them so many times. I did take him to AA Monday night. He hasn't had anything to drink for going on six days, but today will be a major test. He's gone with family, I'm curious to see if he will be able to say no to alcohol. I know he's an alcoholic, but if he's serious about changing, he will say no. That's the way I look at it.

I've been sick this week. I've only been able to take him to one meeting. However, I did tell him "if you feel the need to drink, we will go to a meeting". I don't have to do any of this, I know, I'm too nice. I would really like for this guy to get his life together, without bringing me down in the process. I even sent him a text message today saying "I have faith in you". I WANT to have faith in him, but to be honest, I'm not sure I do.

He says he's going to get his shit together. He also said he's trying to find another place to go. Right now he's kissing my ass. He thinks I have an EPO against him and that I'm LETTING him stay. He's trying to talk me into "dropping it". I'm not telling him any different. If he's drunk tonight, I will make him leave. Some way, some how. The only way he will get back in, is if the police make me let him in.

Tonight I'm going out with my coworker. We are going to see the cheesy remake movie, Friday the 13th (you know you want to see it!). I'm ready to have some fun.

Thank you so much for your friendship and support! I love you all!

My name is Sassy and I'm a doormat...

2009-02-10T12:04:00.000-08:00

When I got home Friday evening, he had busted my flatscreen tv. I called the police that night. They did exactly what I thought they would...

NOTHING.

They told me they couldn't legally make him leave. Since I let him stay there, he established residency. To them, he had done nothing wrong. Calling me bitch and cunt is "freedom of speech". Unless he physically hit me, there wasn't anything they could do. They even suggested I leave my own apartment for the night since HE had no place to go. I did leave...for a while. I came back when I knew he'd be passed out.

A bunch of crap happened on Saturday too, but I don't have the energy to get in to that right now.

It's a long story, but basically I have to file through the court to have him evicted. Even though his name is NOT on the lease, the apartment is considered his. Legally, unless the court says so, I can't keep him out. I could go through my landlord, but the dumbass isn't even supposed to be there. I know, bad on my part. I don't want to get myself evicted.

Basically, the police wouldn't do anything to help me. I'm tired of fighting. Of course ASS is playing the whole "I'll change" card again. I am taking him to AA tonight, but I'm not sure if he really wants help or if it's just a show so I won't have his ass evicted.

If he really wants help, I will help him get it. Even though he doesn't deserve anything from me.

Either way, I want him out.

Protection my ass...

2009-02-06T12:14:00.000-08:00

The drunk has been calling me all day at work. Calling me names, threatening me, etc. I called the police and asked them if they would meet me at home, after I get off work and make him leave.

They told me no.

They said that he has established residence there. If I want him out, I have to go file for an eviction against him. Even though it's MY apartment! The only way they will help me is if he is getting violent at the time, and I call 911, THEN they will come to my residence and make him leave.

So...let me get this straight, he has to physically harm me or threaten me first? Then IF I CAN call the police, they will make him leave?

I told the cop about past events, he said "I wouldn't put up with that as long as you have".

Really? NO SHIT! I'm just a dumb ass, sorry.

I guess they don't understand that I was trying to keep from calling 911.

Let's just hope I'm able to call the police.

Lost and Numb

2009-02-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

Rain asked if the guy was my ex husband.

No. Sadly, my ex treated me with more respect. He cheated, occasionally he blew up and hit me, but he never really talked to me the way this guy does.

I met the freak in a bar. Go figure. Back in August, I decided it was time for me to get out and meet someone. I was having a hard time, I was so tired of being alone. It gets old going home to nothing, nobody, day after day. I was tired of eating alone, sleeping alone, etc. Not much has changed, really. When I first met him, he was attractive and CHARMING. I found out that he was a liar, and well, his personality/attitude made him unattractive. Then I found out he had a major drinking problem. I thought I knew when to get out, matter of fact, I should have never let him in.

I figured with everything I'd been through in life, I could get rid of him when I needed to. It didn't happen that way. I kept making excuses. I still make excuses. I kept him around for the holidays because I didn't want to spend them alone. He made promises. Promises that he would cut down on drinking, that he'd treat me better, etc. I knew it wouldn't happen, but I let him stay because he has no place to go. I know it isn't my problem, but I just can't seem to make myself put him out in the cold. His own family won't take him because of his drinking problem. He's burned every bridge he's crossed. Except for mine. My bridge seems to be fire proof.

I seriously don't know why I haven't booted his ass out. I can take a lot. I know, that sounds silly, but lately, I'm numb. I've stopped caring. There isn't much positive in my life right now. I'm just going with the flow and pretending things aren't happening. Then I come here...

to let it all out.

I'm ashamed of what my life has become...

2009-02-02T13:13:00.001-08:00

When he's sober, he barely speaks to me, unless he's bitching about something ridiculous. We sit in two different rooms. When things don't go his way, I'm a bitch, slut, cunt, etc. I get nothing from him. There is no affection. We don't sleep in the same bed, we don't have sex. He's just...there.

When he's drunk, he's affectionate. He wants sex (even though he can't keep it up due to alcohol). He loves me, blah blah blah. He easily gets angry. Last weekend he got upset when I went out to eat with my female coworker. He called my cell phone several times. He accused me of being with other men. I finally turned my phone off. When I turned it back on, I had 14 messages. He basically called me a piece of shit and threatened me. The next day, he got angry when I didn't want to go anywhere with him (he was drunk). He shoved me against the counter. He barricaded the front door so nobody could get in or out. I was going to call the police, but he watched every move I made. I was afraid he'd flip his lid before the police arrived. He's Jekyll and Hyde.

He found my journal. He read it. My own personal thoughts and feelings. He uses it against me.

He threatens me. He says if I don't stay with him, he will make me get kicked out of my apartment, he will get me fired from my job, he will fuck up my car, he will kill my dog, etc.

I don't believe everything he says. I think he is just running his mouth. I don't coward away from him, but I don't fuel the fire either.

I don't want him in my life anymore. I don't want to get anyone involved, I just want him to go peacefully.

I want my life back!

Someone Entertain Me!

2009-01-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

Work is slow. The weather is crazy. I'm slowly going insane.

I haven't had my Prozac for several days. I am going to SNAP soon. It sort of freaks me out how your body reacts to not having something it's used to having daily. I almost thought about not taking it anymore, but to be honest, it helps me deal with daily things in life. I couldn't work at my job if I didn't take medication. Seriously! Not to mention, I'm not the happiest person, as all of you know. Good thing you love me anyways. =)

I'm waiting on the weather forecast. We could possibly get a lot of snow, with blizzard type conditions, at the beginning of next week. I think it will go the other way. Let's hope so because I'm getting cabin fever! I do nothing, but work and go home. This crap is getting old.

Maybe a giant ice sickle will hit me in the head...

if I'm lucky.

Got Ice?

2009-01-29T09:07:00.001-08:00

Over the past few days, we've had terrible weather. We got several inches of ice and snow. A state of emergency was called, there are thousands of people without power. I lost power Wednesday morning, but the power came back on yesterday. Thank God, I was starting to get cold! None of the office staff made it to work (I couldn't get out of my parking lot) and the ones that made it in, were sent home. However, I am back at work today.

I can't believe all of the trees and power lines that are down. It's amazing what ice can do. I could hear trees breaking and falling. The ice looked beautiful on the trees. It WAS something to see.

Earthquake, tornadoes, hurricane wind storm, ice and snow...

What's next?

Bye Bye Bush

2009-01-21T06:38:00.000-08:00

Drunk Ass: See this is what pisses me off, they are showing nothing, but blacks.

Me: Well, it's a moment in history for black people. They are showing white people too. Look, there is a white woman and she's crying!

Drunk Ass: Yeah, all because a f'n NIGGAR made President.

Me: STFU! Just because your dumbass is racist doesn't mean I am. I'm sick of listening to your shit and I'm sick of you using that word! Go to f'n bed!

He continued to yell niggar through my apartment. I was about to call the police (seriously). Our neighbor is a black man, a very nice black man. I know the guy could hear his dumbass through the wall. If I see my neighbor outside, I feel I should apologize, even though I wasn't the one saying it.

A black man becoming President. It shows just how much the world has changed. I think it's truly amazing.

Maybe Obama is just what this country needs.

Stalking Mig...Again

2009-01-20T07:11:00.001-08:00

The Cannon Fodder MeMe

1. Is there someone you'd like to be kissing right now? No, I'm not in the kissing mood today. Thanks.

2. When you're being extremely quiet, what does it mean? It usually means I'm sad. I'm hiding within myself.

3. What are you listening to right now? Some stupid country song that I don't care for at all.

4. Are you a big fan of thunderstorms? Not since I've seen the damage of what a tornado can do. And not since I live in an upstairs apartment!

5. Do you believe in perfect? No way. Thank God, perfect would be boring.

6. Are you a jealous person? I try not to be, but I totally am.

7. What was the first thing you thought this morning? What time is it?

8. What do you think about when you are falling asleep? The things I want/need to change. People in my life. Let's just say I pray a lot.

9. Are you satisfied with what you have in life? No, but I am grateful.

10. Do people ever think that you're either older or younger than you actually are? All I know is they don't card me for beer anymore! I'm not happy about that!

11. Do you think men truly understand women? Nope. Not from what I've seen.

12. How about women understanding men? Repeat answer at #11.

13. Did anybody ever call you handsome or beautiful? Yes, beautiful. It's very flattering.

14. What is one fact about the last person that called you? He's an immature ass.

15. Other than your current one, what’s the longest relationship you have had? 11 years with my ex. Almost a complete waste of 11 years. :/

2009-01-13T09:51:00.000-08:00

"Where I Stood"

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Stalking Mig

2009-01-13T07:23:00.000-08:00

1. What is the bravest thing that you feel you've ever done physically?
I physically went to another country all by MYSELF. Does that count? It should!

2. What is the bravest thing that you feel you've ever done emotionally?
When I filed for divorce. I didn't think I would ever be able to do that.

3. What one talent do you wish you had that you don't?
I wish I could sing.

4. If you had that talent what would you be doing with it?
Entertaining the drunks at the local bar?

5. We all have our reasons for blogging but what would be your ultimate goal for your blog or as a blogger?
Blogging is just an outlet for me. It's also for me to get advice. I need advice!

6. What advice would you give a new blogger?
Write from the heart.

7. Who are you three favorite blogs to visit (Yes, you can have ties and name more than three.)
Mig, Coyote, Jess. I visit all of them daily. More than once a day. Seems like most blogs are quiet these days. What's up with that? Blog dammit!

8. You can trade lives with any one person for a month. Who would it be and why?
Someone pregnant who gives birth in that month. That way I could decide if I really want children or not. haha

9. There's a fire and your family is safe but you have the chance to save any one item from your house. What would it be and why?
My pictures from Amsterdam. I will probably never get to go back.

10. You have the chance to go back in time and warn yourself before making a bad choice. What choice would it be and what would you tell yourself?
I wouldn't of got married. You all know why.

Scary, but true...

2009-01-12T13:35:00.001-08:00

This is a picture of my mother in her "angry" personality. No shit! I did not get this off of the internet. However, I am thinking of calling Hollywood. She could star in the next zombie film!

Anyways....

I spent Friday evening at my grandma/mom's house. I did laundry and we talked about old times. Old times led into my childhood. I listened to excuses being made as to why NOTHING was done to protect me.

Anxiety level: 10

After washing my clothes, I said thanks and left. I analyzed our conversations on the way home. I was angry, but I refused to cry. I wanted to cry. I'm tired of being the victim. I quickly made myself get over it.

All I can say...

pills are great.

2009-01-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

"When you die, all you have to take with you, is LOVE".

Maybe that's why we look so hard to find it...

I Still Have Head Worms

2009-01-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

I pretty much spent my weekend at home, watching tv, in bed.

Depression. Oh...what...fun.

Me and my sister are sort of speaking, well, texting. I had to be the one to break the ice. I'd like to think that doesn't make me weak. Right?

Me: I don't want to fight with you. Life is too short. We are sisters. I love you and the kids. I miss you.

Her: You too, but I won't ask you to go out with us again.

Does she actually think I WANT to go out with her again?

I let that comment go. That's her way of putting all the blame on me. I'll let her have her way, only because I want this bullshit to end. Things will never be the same between us. We are from the same womb, but two different worlds.

The ASS I've been seeing is out of town. His dad is dying. He's been gone for a week (we talk everyday). At first I enjoyed having my home, myself back. Then I realized that all I had was me and started missing him...

How fucked up is that?

What a way to bring in the New Year...

2009-01-02T07:47:00.000-08:00

I went out New Years Eve with my sister, her hub, and two of their friends. We all got pretty drunk. Let me add, when I'm drunk, I'm a little wild and free. As most of us are. Everything was going great, I was having a blast. The singer in the band said "I haven't seen boobs all night, what's up with that". I flashed my BRA. No boobs were shown...at all.

My sister instantly got pissed off. She got mad because her husband of 12 years was standing there. Might I add, he didn't even see the TWO SECOND bra flash. She said I wasn't going anywhere with them ever again, I was acting like a whore, blah blah blah. I told her I couldn't believe she was actually mad over something so ridiculous. It was a freakin joke, and I just showed my bra. I told her to stop acting like a bitch. I walked away.

The other chick that was with us asked me what happened, as I was telling her, my sister reaches across the bar and hits me in the face (I didn't even see it coming). I lost it. I went right back at her, and broke three of my nails in the process. My brother n law told us to stop it, we were sisters. The security guard came over and asked us to leave. I took a taxi home. My brother n law called to make sure I made it home, and that I had money to pay the taxi driver.

I haven't talked to her since.

This isn't the first time she has hit me. Once she hit me when I was 16 because I wanted to stay the night with my friend and wouldn't go home with her. I didn't hit her back, I let it go.

This time, I had enough. Maybe I did disrespect her by flashing my bra, but regardless, she had no right to hit me. I am not a violent person, but I am not going to tolerate someone hitting me in the face. I will not just stand there and take it.

My mother and grandmother of course thinks my sister does no wrong. It's all my fault. It's always been that way. I had to kiss my sister's ass all my life to be accepted by them. If they can't accept me for who I am, I don't need them. It doesn't matter. My sister got everything on a silver platter. I was kicked to the curb to be abused. Does it make me angry? Yes, it does. It's not my sister's fault, however, she too treated me like shit for years. Up until a few years ago, we barely spoke or saw each other. Since my split with the ex, we have become really close. Or so I thought.

I guess this bullshit ends the relationship. I refuse to apologize. I know she isn't going to apologize. I imagine she will keep the kids from me. So what family I did have, is now gone. I love her. I love the kids. I'm sad that this happened.

I should have kept my ass home New Years Eve.

Happy Freakin New Year

2008-12-30T12:08:00.000-08:00

Christmas was good this year.

Here's a few pictures from the work Christmas party...

Me and my coworker. I was too busy drinking my beer.

Yes, I was flirting. In my defense...I blame it on the beer!

Here's to looking at a better New Year...

*muah*

2008-12-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. I would like to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! I don't know about you, but I'm just excited to be off work for 4 1/2 days. =)

Love to you all!

XOXO

Fa La La La Blah

2008-12-16T08:55:00.000-08:00

I want to start out by thanking my friend, Mig. She sent me a wonderful Christmas package with a lot of makeup, an adorable dachshund figurine, and a cute Christmas tree! I don't know Mig that well. I know her through the wonderful world of blogging. It's nice to know, there are people out there who is as thoughtful as she is. Now THAT is what Christmas is about! Thank You, Mig. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

In other news, I've been feeling depressed. It's physical. I'm not sure why I'm depressed. There are a few things that are bothering me, but nothing major. The GUY is still living in my home. I do not believe he actually "wants" me for a relationship. I believe he wants someone to control. We do not sleep in the same bed(he won't sleep in bed with Harley), we don't have sex, he doesn't show much affection at all, unless he's drunk. When he's drunk, it's totally different. Oh how he loves me, blah blah.

He still accuses me of other men. He's jealous and possessive, which doesn't make sense to me. Like I said, there is no affection/sex there. Isn't that what people do in a relationship? Why is he so jealous, etc. when we aren't even sleeping together?

I am providing him a place to live. He's currently laid off from work and is soon to be drawing unemployment, but as of right now, he doesn't have any money. He says he has no place to go either. I can't get myself to kick him out during the Holidays, but seriously, this shit is getting old. He cleans, cooks, and bitches...daily. He has OCD (I'm not making this up, dammit!).

With lack of affection, sex, and all that crap, I can only feel that he is using me. Either that, or there is something wrong with me. No, I am attractive and caring. Pfft.

What the hell is the problem?

Maybe I'm the problem...

So much for the flu shot...

2008-12-10T13:08:00.002-08:00

Monday morning I got to work at 8:00 A.M., by 9:00 A.M. I was vomiting. By noon I vomited many times in the trash can. By 12:30 I was on my way home with the stomach flu. Vomiting, cold chills, aches. Ugh.

What the hell did I get that shot for? Well, at least it didn't last long. I'm back at work today.

BEWARE: it is out there!

I think Jess gave it to me. I did visit her blog...

I'd like to beat someone with a turkey leg...

2008-11-26T08:22:00.000-08:00

Let me start out by saying my morning has SUCKED.

I had an appointment this morning to get a flu shot. On my way to work, I pulled my back out AGAIN. This is the second time I've pulled my back out by doing NOTHING. I sat on the bed, felt my back catch. When I stood up, it was over. This is all due to my accidental fall down the steps in July.

They wanted to put me in the hospital for "pain management" today. Riiight. I had to go to work! Instead they injected steroids into my lower back and prescribed me pain medication. Good!

I get to work two hours later (doctors take forever). THEN I get yelled at by the boss for not calling him and letting him know I was going to be late (he's out of town). Ok. I see his point. However, I scheduled my 15 minute flu shot for my would be LUNCH hour today. The whole back thing...WASN'T PLANNED or LIED about. Did he listen to what I had to say? Nope.

Me and the other chick in the office gets docked for EVERYTHING. Half the time we don't take a lunch, we eat and work through lunch. IF we have doctor appointments, we have to request the time off. Even if it's during our so called lunch hour. BUT the MEN who work here, who are employees, can work one day a week on a job and get paid a whole week for it. They can go home because it's raining and GET PAID FOR IT. They can go home when they have nothing to do and GET PAID FOR IT. Granted, they have different positions, they work outside, but if you ask me, I think it's BULL.

Not doing anything Thanksgiving. Going to a restaurant and then going home. Yay me. But I can say, I do have things to be thankful for, even though it doesn't always feel that way.

I'm thankful for all of you!

Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

2008-11-21T08:52:00.001-08:00

2008-11-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

Maybe Jay was right.

But maybe he doesn't understand. It's not easy to let go of my traumatizing childhood, it's not easy letting go of my hurtful marriage, it's not easy letting go of a lot of things.

I have come a long way. I went from hating myself, to liking myself.

Yeah, my posts are all the same. They are the same issues and feelings that I am dealing with, have been dealing with for a very long time. It's taking me a lifetime to get past, it seems.

If it was as easy to move forward as some people think, don't you think I would have done that by now?

It's not that I'm not trying. I am.

I just can't let myself get rid of the bad rubbish that enters my life. I want to. Believe me, I want to.

I'm not content this way.

Sometimes...

It's just easier to accept.

IM from an old friend...

2008-11-13T12:29:00.000-08:00

you will never...ever....ever be happy because you dont want to be, for years you've been going on and on about how you hate your life, but you've never done anything to change it, you can blog and have everyone tell you over and over how happy you should be and how you are doing the right thing, but until you actually make some half-hearted attempt to bring happiness into your life, you will continue to be miserable

you are content to let shitty people into yer life and get stupid ass advice from friends who facilitate your monotony, people can tell you you are awesome, but until you do something to make yourself feel awesome, its all pointless

think back to when you first started blogging about three years ago...the posts you made then are the same posts you are still making today, to be honest i dont IM you much because you seem to comfortable with your pity and content not to move foward and it frustrates me, its taken me awhile to think about how to write this, but i dont want you to waste any more of your life than you already have by just treading water

HE'S JUST BEING HONEST. THE SAD PART IS...

HE'S RIGHT.

2008-11-10T13:13:00.000-08:00

I thought being a good person, made you a better person, brought good things into your life, and got you into heaven.

I'm more forgiving of others than I am of myself.

Maybe I'm being selfish, but I just want something good to happen to me, something good to come into my life, just once.

Is that too much to ask?

I'm Here

2008-11-06T06:43:00.000-08:00

I haven't got rid of the guy yet. I keep telling him "it's not working, I'm not happy". He refuses to listen. He changes for a day and then wakes up his same old self. I'm dealing with a fucking child.

The 15th I will be 31. That..makes..me..depressed. I'm getting older. I have grey hairs! Not enough to dye, but they are there. And my eggs? Well, let's just say the older I get, the more my ovaries hurt. My body is telling me "have a child", but that's never going to happen.

The holidays are coming up. Oh the joy. I don't have money for Christmas this year. Not unless I want to get a second job. I'm tired. My full time job is exhausting enough. I like to go home after work and do NOTHING. Fuck Christmas.

I miss my friends. Especially my hooker. The Bulb. =(

Love you, Hooker. Love you, Holly HOO...

Call me at work! It's toll free!!!

2008-10-29T11:53:00.000-07:00

I'm okay.

=)

God Help Me, I'm a Dumbass

2008-10-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Here it goes...

I (and some others because he refused to leave) threw his ass out of my apartment one night. I LET him sleep in my car. The next morning I felt sorry for him because he was cold and had no place to go. I let him come in.

He was only supposed to stay a few days until he could "find a place to go". It's been five.

He said he would stop drinking, he would go to AA, whatever I wanted him to do. He didn't want to be on the streets. That's what he said! I believed him. I thought he really meant it, I thought sleeping in the car opened an eye or two.

I was wrong.

He's been drunk for the past three days and wrecking my motherfuckin nerves! Last night he got pissed when I refused to take him to the liquor store. He started yelling at me and hit the dashboard of my car with his fist. To avoid the situation, I drove to the liquor store, where he purchased a pint of vodka and drank most of it. He kept me up half the night being a drunktard.

When he's drunk, I feel I have to walk on eggshells. I've even stopped smoking in my own apartment (which is ok, I needed to) because he doesn't smoke. He aggravates and scares my dog, I have to constantly tell him to leave my dog alone.

I feel like I can't be my own person around him. I've even found myself doing things, the way he wants it done, in my own home!

I have a code with my sister. If I text "H" it means he started his shit and I need her help. That is, if I can get to my phone. My neighbor also comes over and checks on me.

I want out of this. I want him out of my house. I don't know how to do it peacefully. I don't want to get anyone involved, and I don't want to have to call the police on him (he's on probation). But I know he isn't going out without a fight.

It's Friday, I should be happy the weekend is here...

the truth is, I don't even want to go home.

2008-10-21T07:08:00.000-07:00

I can't blog what I've really been up to. I'm ashamed to admit it. I'm sure those of you that know me pretty well, already know what I've been up to. All I can say is that I'm doing what I have to do, to survive.

I can tolerate a lot. I know I don't have to, but I'm WEAK that way. I thought I could turn my back on the situation.

I was wrong...

Decisions Decisions

2008-10-17T12:55:00.002-07:00

Should I...

go out and get drunk?

stay in bed and watch tv?

knock myself out with medication?

pray?

cry?

stay in all weekend, sleep, eat, ignore anyone and everyone and feel sorry for myself?

It doesn't look like I have a lot of options...

considering the mood I'm in.

I wish all of you a great weekend.

It Is Me

2008-10-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. Yay! Before I know it, it will be Monday again. Ugh.

Some guy tried to pick me up at McDonald's. hahahaha

Who the hell picks up women at McDonald's?! Well, he did work there, which means he couldn't afford me...

He walked by me, gave me the up and down look, as I stood there waiting on my grilled chicken wrap. I got my food to go, went to the car, and he came out of the back door (he was so stalking me)...

McGuy: What's your name, pretty thing
Me: (I shouldn't have told him, but I did)
McGuy: You going back to work?
Me: yes
McGuy: Is your boyfriend at home? (WTF)
Me: No, he's at work
McGuy: Ah, you have a man...that's cool

He turned around and walked back in the door.

OOOOOkay.

Even though he was a McGuy that cooked McFries...that attention felt good. For some reason guys try to pick me up at gas stations and restaurants. Maybe I should hang out at Ronald McDonald's more often...

or not.

For Pearl...

2008-10-06T13:38:00.001-07:00

Due to my previous post, the fact that Joe (Pearl's ex) is soon to have crotch rot dick (thank you voodoo), and due to the fact that I'm tired of caring about anyone/anything because I'm ALWAYS getting shit on, this is now my theme song...

AND MY ATTITUDE!

It's Over

2008-10-06T05:11:00.000-07:00

I'm done with his ass.

Over the past month, I've been giving giving giving. He's been taking taking taking. It's ok, I let him. I'm the idiot.

I paid $300 to get him out of jail (probation violation). He PROMISED to pay me back and I've never seen a penny of it. I've sort of been sticking around to make sure he goes to his court date so I can get my bond money back, but after last night...fuck him. I hope his ass goes to jail.

He got drunk. His friends daughter texted me. He immediately accused me of screwing guys at work. He told me I was a piece of shit, I was a ho, and that he hoped I died on the way home, that it was over (you bet it is). I told him...

"I can't believe you are treating me like this after everything I've done for you".

He said "I've gotten more out of bitches than what little bit I've gotten out of you".

I left in tears.

I paid to get him out of jail, I've given him my last dollar, I've given him rides to see his son, I've bought him things. All because I wanted him to care about me, all because I no longer wanted to be alone. And the whole time...

he was using me.

He's a terrible person. I try to see the good in everyone, but there isn't any good in him. I keep wondering WHY he crossed MY path....

I'm a sucker.

Tell Me What YOU Think

2008-10-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

I got an offer that I'm not sure about.

The guy that I'm seeing, his two (lesbian) friends, that I'm very fond of (No, Coyote...not THAT way) has asked me to move in with them. Everyone is kind of having it hard right now due to the economy crisis and it would benefit all of us. Especially me because I would be saving over $500.00 a month, I could get a decent car, I could go SHOPPING, and I'd have money in the bank.

They have a decent size house, I could have the basement to myself and keep my dog (my dog gets along with their dog). I think we would all get along fine.

HOWEVER...

The guy I'm seeing also lives there. I've been told no matter what happens with him, I'm there to stay. That's not really an issue for me. UNLESS I actually develop strong feelings for him, and well..you know that shit won't work.

I'm also thinking how much I love my privacy. I will be losing most of that.

BUT....

MONEY. I will have money to do things! And just maybe...

the Holidays won't be so sad and lonely this year.

Pop a Pill to Deal

2008-09-30T12:48:00.000-07:00

HOLLY SAID...

"Am missing you here, and wondering how you are"

I'm fucked up right now.

The guy I've been seeing is an ASS. He gets drunk every day, one minute he loves me, the next minute he's hateful. It's his way or no way. He's controlling. He's a liar. He's unstable...period.

Why do I put up with his shit?

Let's just say there is more to the story. I can't go in to it right now, but I will in due time.

COYOTE SAID...

"Find the trail to loving yourself, and then you can set the markers".

I found the trail, but it only went so far. There isn't anymore trail to find at this time.

I'm looking at myself from the outside...

only to be trapped on the inside.

2008-09-25T11:03:00.000-07:00

I'm completely exhausted today. Hanging in there at work with only three more dreaded hours to go. I spent most of the night arguing with a drunk. A drunk who doesn't deserve me. A drunk that I am good to. Too good. All because I don't want to be alone.

Alone. Being alone has to be better than this. It's the human touch that keeps me putting up with this shit. I know most of you aren't going to understand. I don't understand it myself.

I think I've been so damaged in my life, that normal just doesn't exist for me. I'm tough, I can take crap. I'm used to not being loved. I don't think I even know what that is, what that truly feels like.

You can't miss something you've never had....

I just want to sleep.