Pop a Pill to Deal

HOLLY SAID...

"Am missing you here, and wondering how you are"

I'm fucked up right now.

The guy I've been seeing is an ASS. He gets drunk every day, one minute he loves me, the next minute he's hateful. It's his way or no way. He's controlling. He's a liar. He's unstable...period.

Why do I put up with his shit?

Let's just say there is more to the story. I can't go in to it right now, but I will in due time.

COYOTE SAID...

"Find the trail to loving yourself, and then you can set the markers".

I found the trail, but it only went so far. There isn't anymore trail to find at this time.

I'm looking at myself from the outside...

only to be trapped on the inside.

I'm completely exhausted today. Hanging in there at work with only three more dreaded hours to go. I spent most of the night arguing with a drunk. A drunk who doesn't deserve me. A drunk that I am good to. Too good. All because I don't want to be alone.

Alone. Being alone has to be better than this. It's the human touch that keeps me putting up with this shit. I know most of you aren't going to understand. I don't understand it myself.

I think I've been so damaged in my life, that normal just doesn't exist for me. I'm tough, I can take crap. I'm used to not being loved. I don't think I even know what that is, what that truly feels like.

You can't miss something you've never had....

I just want to sleep.

Blah Blah Blah

The things we put up with so we don't have to be alone...

I've learned that no matter how important you feel to someone, or how important you may THINK you are to someone, you are just a moment. You are there to pass the time until something better comes along.

Friendship doesn't mean much these days. Me, I've always tried to be a loyal friend. I get fucked in the end. People leave me. I'm not important.

I lost my best friend to a romantic relationship. Someone who I always thought would be there. Someone who I thought was sincere. I thought I meant something to him, really meant something, only to find out...

I didn't mean much of anything.

God, it hurts.

Back in Business

My electric was fixed yesterday. It felt so nice to take a hot shower and shave my legs! You don't realize how important electricity is until you don't have it. What can I say...

I'm spoiled.

No Juice

Due to the hurricane, I've had no electricity since Sunday. I can't shower at home, I have no telephone, all my food in the fridge went bad, and I look like I've been camping. I haven't talked to Jess, but I'm pretty sure she's out of power too.

I'm working 45 minutes away, at another location that does have power.

They are saying it could be Sunday before we are up and running again. Please pray that we hookers get electricity ASAP!

This so sucks.

I could never be Amish...

9-11

Where was I that day? Working at the bank. I was talking to my ex on the phone when the second plane hit. His words...

"holy fuck, another plane just hit the building"

WHAT????

My grandma called me about thirty minutes before I was leaving work to tell me that my cousin's baby died(SIDS).

I went out for a smoke and cried.

I cried for my cousin, I cried for the world.

I Need to Vacate

Yesterday I was having sharp pains in my left arm (all day). A few chest pains last night, and an upset stomach this morning. I had an EKG a few weeks ago due to chest pain, the doctor believes it's stress and put me on some valium type medication. He wants me to have a treadmill test, but I haven't scheduled it. If the EKG came back fine, why do I need a treadmill test?

Yes, I'm stressed.

My job drives me crazy sometimes. The phone rings off the hook, everyone is demanding something, and I can't seem to do anything right lately.

I give people more chances than they deserve. Why? I don't want to be alone. Am I happy? Not really...

I'm occupied.

I found this interesting...

On Sept. 24, 1988, Mel Ignatow forced Schaefer, his girlfriend, to strip naked, tied her to the top of a GLASS COFFEE TABLE and then a bed, and sexually tortured her before killing her with chloroform -- later telling a judge "she died peacefully."

A Kenton County jury acquitted him of the murder in 1991, but a year later undeveloped film was found in a heating duct of a home Ignatow had owned. It showed him sexually abusing Schaefer, 36, on the night of her death.

Ignatow later confessed, but the legal doctrine of double jeopardy prevented the state from retrying him for murder.

He eventually served five years on a federal perjury charge, then was convicted in state court in December 2001 of being a persistent felon and of perjury for lying about his relationship with Schaefer. He was released from prison five years later.

MEL IGNATOW, THE POOR BASTARD, WAS FOUND DEAD IN HIS APARTMENT A FEW DAYS AGO...

Taylor said Ignatow's autopsy has been completed, but the cause of death is pending as she waits for more information, including a toxicology report, from the state medical examiner, which could take weeks.

Ignatow's son, Michael, said his father fell through a GLASS TABLE over the weekend and walked around various rooms, yet never called for help before apparently bleeding to death.

HEH

Reflecting

I'm sitting here today thinking about Jess and what she said on her blog. I'm having a problem with it, because as much as I don't want to admit it, she's right.

I'm personal. I let people in. And every time I get hurt. I have people who say they love me and doesn't show it. I have people who say "you have no idea what you mean to me" and completely shove me right out of their lives.

I'm so confused right now. I'm not happy with anything. Depression hit me last night in a big way. I feel lost in the world. I'm floating around waiting for someone to catch me, for me. Not for themselves.

I'd give the shirt off my back to just about anyone. I give homeless crackheads on the corner, money. Once I even gave a stranger a ride because it was raining. When he got in the car, I had a bad feeling about him, and couldn't wait to get him to his destination. I do stuff like that because I try to be a good person, I try to give everyone the benefit of a doubt.

I'm in so much pain. So much fucking pain. I just have a better way of dealing with it...

I have a better way of hiding it.